Did you bet a substantial sum of money that not only would Iowa be the next Fulmer Cup contributor, but also that it would be the head coach’s son who contributed? If so, you may be doing this right now.


Daddy Fat Stacks you would be if you wagered correctly.

It’s not just that it’s the coach’s son and two other football players who incurred the rather gentle charge of public intox, a misdemeanor charge handed out like pizza coupons on most college campuses. (We never got one, but that’s the advantage of being uncoordinated and mumbling all the time–no one notices when you fall down and start slurring your speech.) It’s the manner in which they got the charges.

According to University of Iowa Department of Public Safety Associate Director Bill Searls and criminal complaints, Zachary Merlin Derby, 19, and Tyler Allen Christensen, 19, both of Hillcrest Residence Hall, approached an off-duty UI police officer and attempted to pick a fight with him.

It’s akin to attempting sexual assault on a woman with a vagina dentata, and with figuratively similar results. There’s little else more embarrassing than having a program with a nagging discipline program get their PR dick bitten off by having their head coach’s son arrested on campus with a .160 BAC and attempting to fight a random stranger who turns out, funnily enough, to be a policeman.

They were at least courteous once arrested, or perhaps just hallucinating and imagined the policemen to be mermaids guiding them into their magical flashing light-laden carriage. Mermaids are mentioned intentionally here, as you’d have to be 18th century dehydrated sailor cranked on sour rum to match this level of CRUNK:

Police said Derby had a blood-alcohol level between .207 and .211 percent.

That’s called “Finnish Cruising Altitude,” and if you haven’t been there lately, it’s the kind of drunk that makes pants disappear, wraps cars around telephone poles, and has you waking up in Corsica when you began the night in Paris. T-Pain got that drunk once, and now his voice sounds that way all the time no matter what he says or does. It’s that serious.

The three charges are one measly point a piece, but a bonus point is awarded to Iowa for the whole “we’re Iowa and we get arrested” pattern for a grand total of four points. The FAA should probably file charges, too, as players did not file flight plans before floating in lazy, booze-fueled circles in regulated airspace for several hours prior to arrest.

CORRECTION: There’s a fifth-degree criminal mischief charge in there, so Iowa gets five points. Oops Pow would like to note that that charge wasn’t even awarded to the guy above Finnish Cruising Altitude.