FULMER CUP: CLASSIC EDITION

by Orson on Apr 7, 2009 11:32 AM EDT

Did you bet a substantial sum of money that not only would Iowa be the next Fulmer Cup contributor, but also that it would be the head coach's son who contributed? If so, you may be doing this right now.

Daddy Fat Stacks you would be if you wagered correctly.

It's not just that it's the coach's son and two other football players who incurred the rather gentle charge of public intox, a misdemeanor charge handed out like pizza coupons on most college campuses. (We never got one, but that's the advantage of being uncoordinated and mumbling all the time--no one notices when you fall down and start slurring your speech.) It's the manner in which they got the charges.

According to University of Iowa Department of Public Safety Associate Director Bill Searls and criminal complaints, Zachary Merlin Derby, 19, and Tyler Allen Christensen, 19, both of Hillcrest Residence Hall, approached an off-duty UI police officer and attempted to pick a fight with him.

It's akin to attempting sexual assault on a woman with a vagina dentata, and with figuratively similar results.

There's little else more embarrassing than having a program with a nagging discipline program get their PR dick bitten off by having their head coach's son arrested on campus with a .160 BAC and attempting to fight a random stranger who turns out, funnily enough, to be a policeman.

They were at least courteous once arrested, or perhaps just hallucinating and imagined the policemen to be mermaids guiding them into their magical flashing light-laden carriage. Mermaids are mentioned intentionally here, as you'd have to be 18th century dehydrated sailor cranked on sour rum to match this level of CRUNK:

Police said Derby had a blood-alcohol level between .207 and .211 percent.

That's called "Finnish Cruising Altitude," and if you haven't been there lately, it's the kind of drunk that makes pants disappear, wraps cars around telephone poles, and has you waking up in Corsica when you began the night in Paris. T-Pain got that drunk once, and now his voice sounds that way all the time no matter what he says or does. It's that serious.

The three charges are one measly point a piece, but a bonus point is awarded to Iowa for the whole "we're Iowa and we get arrested" pattern for a grand total of four points. The FAA should probably file charges, too, as players did not file flight plans before floating in lazy, booze-fueled circles in regulated airspace for several hours prior to arrest.

CORRECTION: There's a fifth-degree criminal mischief charge in there, so Iowa gets five points. Oops Pow would like to note that that charge wasn't even awarded to the guy above Finnish Cruising Altitude.

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Why didn’t Ferentz just pull a “don’t you know who my dad is” on the cop? It worked for Dan McCarney’s daughter! OK, no, it actually didn’t.

by Doug on Apr 7, 2009 11:41 AM EDT reply actions

iowa’s finally on the big board, and thus the world is back on its proper axis and orbit after drifting into neptune-like elliptical insanity. also, this means uga’s debut can’t be far behind…

by tomcat on Apr 7, 2009 11:43 AM EDT reply actions

From wikipedia:
“The overall crime rate of Finland is not high in the EU context. Some crime types are above average, notably the highest homicide rate in Western Europe. Crime is prevalent among lower educational groups and is often committed by intoxicated persons.”

You learn something new every day, Finland is like the downtown Charleston of Europe.

by Kecalf Bailey on Apr 7, 2009 12:03 PM EDT reply actions

And with that Iowa moves into a tie for 7th all time in points. Big 10 is represented well up there.

by psuphiman80 on Apr 7, 2009 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

Iceland is laughing at Finland right now, as they blow up their Range Rovers. And by laughing, I mean holy shit, they’re fucked.

by Brian O'Blivion on Apr 7, 2009 12:25 PM EDT reply actions

I did a search for “fifth-degree criminal mischief” on Google, and unsuprisingly enough, a link to Iowa codes came up as the first link.

I quote: “All criminal mischief which is not criminal mischief in the first degree, second degree, third degree, or fourth degree is criminal mischief in the fifth degree.”

Thanks, lawmakers.

by Limedust on Apr 7, 2009 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

Unfortunately, the guy in the pic no longer has his stacks. He bet the house on the Cubs in 4 over the Dodgers in the NLDS.

by yoyofutbawl on Apr 7, 2009 12:52 PM EDT reply actions

What, no reference to the fact that one of the kids is has Merlin as his middle name? I hope his attorney brings that up, in the “hasn’t he suffered enough already?” defense.

by The Tusk on Apr 7, 2009 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

Come on it is spring time in Iowa City, what are these poor guys supposed to don on the weekends, besides quaff copious amounts of beer. I heard the Coach was going to ground his kid, which means no cell phone or TV priveledges until his 5 million hours of community service are completed. At Wartburg, we just kept it simple, 60 shots of beer in an hour and then just keep going. 104 minutes was the record, and of course he woke up in the middle of the fertile cresent, after going to sleep (passing out) at 7:30 pm.

I bet the steps at Kinnick will be busy in the eaqrly hours this spring and summer. I can almost see the wear tracks from these three running steps until Hayden Fry says they have had enough.

by The Holy Grail on Apr 7, 2009 12:55 PM EDT reply actions

It’s not so much that Finns commit crimes, it’s that they’re drunk. Really drunk. So drunk, in fact, that the Russian phrase for getting epically shitfaced is, literally, “drunk as a Finn.”

Of course, the Finnish phrase for getting completely housed translates roughly as “wrestles with tow trucks.” So for those scoring at home: Alex Boone > Finns > Russians

by Busted Draft Pick on Apr 7, 2009 12:59 PM EDT reply actions

I’m an Iowa fan, but this has become a bad joke. We’re like a northern version of Thug-U., but without the national championships.

If you’re going to recruit a bunch of drunken thugs, at least get to the Rose Bowl and win it. People talk about Ferentz being a great coach and a great leader of young men: what I see is a 28-22 record over the past four years and not a single BCS victory in the decade he’s been there. And leader of young men? The ONLY thing we lead the Big Ten in is arrests.

Get it together, Kirk.

by Disgusted Hawk Fan on Apr 7, 2009 1:13 PM EDT reply actions

@8:

“Suffered enough?” He was named after a goddamn Top Gun character. That’s pretty awesome, I say.

by robert on Apr 7, 2009 1:39 PM EDT reply actions

I echo Tusk, it’s not everyday a kid named Merlin relevantly appears. I’m surprised Orson let that one get by without comment.

by Joshua on Apr 7, 2009 1:50 PM EDT reply actions

Cheer up Disgusted Hawk Fan. Both Illinois and Penn State have more all time Fulmer Cup points than Iowa.

by Theskipster on Apr 7, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

“vagina dentata”…allright…just one more thing to worry about. Never occurred to me before, but what a fuckin’ nightmare…literally.

by sb on Apr 7, 2009 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

Shot of beer for a 104 minutes… 100 is called the Century Club around the parts I used to frequent, and not that rare an accomplishment.

by Phocion on Apr 7, 2009 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

Well, I just recently moved to Iowa and I must say, if I hadn’t quit drinking I might have been in Finnish Drunk Land with these guys.

by Brizzle on Apr 7, 2009 5:28 PM EDT reply actions

What, no extra points for the coach’s son being one of the offenders?

by cocknfire on Apr 7, 2009 7:08 PM EDT reply actions

I hate to say I told you so…

by cyclonestate on Apr 7, 2009 7:34 PM EDT reply actions

The University of Iowa is currently under review for a name change to JOHNSON COUNTY CORRECTIONAL COLLEGE

by cy on Apr 7, 2009 8:32 PM EDT reply actions

It seems you’re missing a lot of the hawkeyes offenses. I think they are up to 31 offenses in 2 years and some of those are rape and multi point offenses. Maybe they lawyered up or something. They do have a big ambulance chaser school there.

by mike in Madison on Apr 8, 2009 1:07 AM EDT reply actions