YOU DON'T HAVE TO, REALLY

by Orson on Apr 3, 2009 12:10 PM EDT

According to David Whitley, you're lucky you get any Florida State coverage at all:

It used to be the same in Tallahassee. Now when Bobby Bowden walks off the practice field, he is usually greeted by the Sentinel's Andrew Carter, someone from the Tallahassee Democrat and maybe a couple of students working part-time for state papers.

Whitley then goes on to bemoan how this is a result of Florida moving the needle more than the Seminoles at the moment, and how this will lead to the end of democracy as we know it, dogs driving limousines over fields of innocent babies, and the sun turning purple and winking at all of us shortly before exploding and obliterating the entire universe.

It is surely it is all exactly this serious without exaggeration, but if you would like Florida State coverage, we have the perfect solution. Just go to Rivals.com or Scout, who are more than happy to share the evolving depth chart, complimentary team news, and bits of interesting but non-threatening team gossip, and then throw in random quotes from a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon. See, it works:

FSU's quarterbacks performed well in the scrimmage, something coach Bobby Bowden said was a result of all the hard work the Seminoles had put in over the course of the spring.

"Now that old hound dog is an awful pest. He barks so much I get no rest! That old hound dog ain't got no sense," Bowden said of the competition at the position this spring. "Oh, doggie, you gonna get your lumps."

Florida State's spring game is on Saturday.

See? You're missing nothing. It reads like every other article on Florida State football you've ever read. As for the accusation that Florida State fans won't ever read anything honestly critical about their program, two points. One: fans typically don't believe anything negative written about their program anyway. Two: anyone who thinks fans themselves aren't critical of their teams and more than willing to traffic in rumor despite the best efforts of administration and media to quell those rumors missed the entire Houston Nutt debacle.

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It is Foghorn Leghorns voice in my head whilst reading Bowden quotes…..
Does that make Jimbo Fisher =Egghead Jr, the smart little chicken wearing the glasses that can make paper airplanes with machine guns? or draw a map, mark it a spot on the map with an X, and dig in that spot and make Bobby Bowden appear on the end of the shovel? Who would Barnyard Dawg be? Mark Richt?
That’s a joke… I say, that’s a joke, son.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Apr 3, 2009 1:02 PM EDT reply actions

Idiots. Explosives. Falling Anvils. Nothing like classic Warner Bros. cartoons.

by millon de Floss on Apr 3, 2009 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

One thing the Noles do not have is a sense of humor about their football team. I know, I’ve been to Warchant. It’s like the fucking gestapo over there, and Dorothy is der fuhrer.

by Brian O'Blivion on Apr 3, 2009 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

I definitely don’t understand the newspaper business. How could there EVER have been 3 beat writers for FSU in the first place?

by ohiodawg on Apr 3, 2009 1:39 PM EDT reply actions

@Brian:

Clearly, it’s because they don’t want to admit that their football team is a joke.

by Not You on Apr 3, 2009 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

That is the only recorded evidence where a Gamecock actually outruns anybody and wins consistently.

by yoyofutbawl on Apr 3, 2009 2:19 PM EDT reply actions

Man, they just don’t make cartoons like they used to.

by haybeav on Apr 3, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

There was time, long ago when F$U had a pretty good team and Bobby was considered to be (especially by Brent Mussberger) an elite coach. Unfortunately, the years have not been kind to St Bobby and the drooling, incoherent, pants crapping old fool currently residing in the office of the Head Football Coach bears little resemblance to the coaching icon portrayed by the media and the F$U faithful.

The more media exposure he has, the more apparent this becomes to everyone involved, so in a bid to preserve the facade, most papers have used the “cost cutting” excuse to reduce their coverage.

Besides, not even Mussberger ("You’re looking live…) wants to be the journalistic witness when Bowden publicly melts down, or keels over dead in the middle of an interview.

Ultimately, he’ll never beat JoePa’s record since he never developed the requisite eternal zombie life giving taste for BRAINZZZZ!!!!!!!!!

by General Disarray on Apr 3, 2009 2:24 PM EDT reply actions