Heeeeeeeyyyy kids! Have you ever wanted to get daggered? Well, if you come to BLOGS WITH BALLS in NYC, we personally guarantee that Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post will DAGGAH DAGGAH DAGGAH with you.* Also, you can hear bloggers dispense career advice, a presentation whose occurrence will officially retire the term and concept of irony to the rhetorical glue factory.

After our presentation, a speech by this man on night navigation in small planes.

Also, we’ll buy you a cocktail if you show up. We will not, however, DAGGER DAGGER DAGGER with you. But Dan Steinberg, king of island rhythms most fierce, will!

*He probably won’t, but you’ll never know unless you ask.

The offices of the Wisconsin football program. A radio blasts Saliva. BRET BIELEMA lifts weights in a tank top. A RECEPTIONIST enters.

Receptionist: Mr. Bielema, your 1:30 is going to be late.

Bielema: No problemo. More time for me to get my swole on before I get my fuck on. He gestures to his penis as he says this.

Receptionist: Coach, I really don’t need to know about that.

Bielema: Whatever, Sue.

Receptionist: It’s Edie, sir.

Bielema: Sure, Eddie. It’s not big deal. It’s natural. Our bodies are natural. Nothing to be afraid of.

Receptionist: I just don’t think it’s very professional of you to point at your..um…

Bielema: My Madison Poon Taser? My Fucky the Badger? Schlong Dayne here, the powerback that goes slow and hard up the middle? My Hairy Alvarez? I make my living with this Eddie. This coaching thing is just extra balls on the nut-train for me. I—

[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]… (more…)

Hawaii’s stayed with a slightly more run-heavy but still pass-wacky offensive attack in the Greg McMackin era, a wide-open attack requiring a quarterback not necessarily with cannonade arm strength, but definitely demanding some degree of accuracy.

The person to run such an attack would be a Timmy Chang or Colt Brennan, and most definitely not Bryce Kalauokaaea, walk-on qb charged with first-degree terroristic threatening and fourth-degree criminal property damage. Kaluokeaasddeaaaeeiiiaa (damn your vowelwhore of a language) threatened his girlfriend with a knife and also held a dog hostage in an extremely poor display of marksmanship on April 12th.


This kind of had to go here. You don’t want the results for “dog knife.”

The charges alone–assuming both are felonies–are six points, but the bonus point for threatening both a pregnant woman and dog earn seven points for Hawaii, taking them to a commanding 16 point total giving them the team lead for the moment. QB guy was probably released on bail, will not jump bail for fear of seeing Dog the Bounty Hunter’s hair and weeping for humanity, and is looking for a quality Alonzo Spellman Dog Saw if you’ve got one lying around.

This Wednesday’s Mustache of choice: Alfie, the horse.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

The first cross-species pick for Mustache Wednesday refuses to allow his handlers to trip the ’stache, as it drives the mares crazy and brings them haters out. (They always do, Alfie.) We haven’t seen a blonde liptopper that magnificent since the Havana Daydreamin’ Buffett, an exact replica of which one can purchase at any Margaritaville for $49.95 with any large drink and fries.

Orson: Enemies of the State—EDSBS needs them for 2009. We will split the votes for Lane Kiffin and Urban between the two of us and run for common foes, okay?

Holly: I was just thinking about this the other day—with Nate Longshore and JPW gone, I need new punching bags. I assume we are taking Crompton and Bill Stewart in some sort of special category reserved for me. Like a playpen.

Orson: Of course. It’ll work like Federal versus State here. You’re a state.

Holly Anderson: I’m a commonwealth, beetch. First nominee: Bob Davie for crimes against the English language.
Exhibit A: “Will Muskamp.”

Orson: Actually, I’ve come to like the word “FOOTBAW”

Holly: Let that be his legacy. After he’s dead. Because we killt him. Number two: Petrino. (more…)

You might think the real star in this clip is Orgeron, but that cluelessly confident blank stare of Kiffykins? Oh, that’s gonna get put on heavy rotation this fall.

LSUFreek is a genius, but you knew that already. BEAUCOUP FUCK AH DETALLAM LAWDEY FALLUM.

Apologies for the late start–please enjoy our appearance on The Solid Verbal in the meantime. It’s long, extremely chatty, and discusses the ugly potential of being the 35 year old guy covering a tailgate.

A fancy parlor in London with frilly lady-types and gentlemen of considerable intellect engage in bold conversation with resident curmudgeon and holder of shocking opinions, Mr. Leach .

Frilly lady one: Surely you do not suggest Herr Schliemann’s theories on the location of the ancient city of Troy are in fact correct? And that the city exists in the form he proposes, and that Agamemnon himself may be found in its dusty footings?

Frilly lady two: If we are to believe such specious thoughts, we may as well crawl on our knuckles and dine on the fruit of the ba-na-na tree, as Mr. Darwin’s savage apes would have us doing a mere thousand years ago or so!

Coach Mike Leach, erupting from his chair: Cease, chickens. (more…)