60 Minutes Viewers Rejoice. Joe Paterno pronounces himself “100 percent” four months after hip surgery. He’s healed! DEVIL GET OUTTA MY ZOMBIE COACHING LEGEND.

Well, from the neck down, at least:

“I feel great. I’m not sure about from the neck up, but from the neck down, I’m OK,” he joked before practice in his first meeting with reporters since the Rose Bowl. “I’m fine, really. That’s a dead issue.”

We would like to type something snarky here, but we’re all kinds of old-man happy over hearing this, and will go bowling and shake our fist angrily at the television to celebrate his return.

North Carolina Gets Profligate. 12 different receivers caught passes from T.J. Yates in North Carolina’s spring game. This is important on two fronts: one, it shows that the Tar Heels at least have suspects in the race to replace Hakeem Nicks (especially 6′4″ sophomore Dwight Jones, who excelled in the game,) and two, that Yates has recovered from the condition that struck him in the second half of the Meineke Car Care Bowl. (Symptoms included constant flexing and a constant WOO!ing noise; file photo shows Nicks picking up Yates and removing him from the field.)

Rice Wants Your Ex’s Number Rice wants that spare recruit if you’re not going to eat it: Nick Fanuzzi, Alabama transfer, took the lead in what had been a scrum of competing quarterbacks with a three touchdown performance in the spring game. Fellow transfer and Youtube Midget Football Porn Sensation Sam McGuffie, ineligible for this season due to transfer, popped eyeballs by gaining 34 yards on his first two carries just to continue his role as America’s Most Exciting Player to Not Actually Play a Down for Your Team Yet.

Skin-tight jerseys on fat men fail to distract Miami players. Sophomore Damien Berry ran for 124 yards and a touchdown in Miami’s scrimmage, and showed signs of being a proper ‘Cane by doing a front-flip into the endzone on his scoring run. Miami’s offense also got called “creative” for the first time since the Reagan administration, sending Miami fans into paroxysms of dehydrated confusion with things like multiple formations and “plays that don’t suck ass like a vacuum cleaner choking on a pile of spare change.”

R.I.P. Lou Saban. The former Miami and Indiana coach died this past weekend.