CURIOUS INDEX, 3/27/09

by Orson on Mar 27, 2009 10:37 AM EDT

That's new. South Carolina walk-on Dustin McElroy may walk himself off the team after going all Jarkko Ruutu on someone in a fight in Columbia.

McElroy didn't just bite someone in a bar fight--he bit the living fuck out of a guy to the tune of felony charges:

Police say McElroy grabbed a man who was trying to break up the fight, put him a bear hug and bite him on the left cheek and left him with a severe facial laceration.

That means, like, teeth meeting and stuff. South Carolina gets five points in the Fulmer Cup for the felony assault charge, the property damage charge, and the bonus point for biting a man so hard in the face you get a felony charge. May Tebow have mercy on your soul.

But Mike's still in the cage, right? TELL US HE'S IN THE CAGE. LSU suffered damage to the roof of their practice facility in a violent spring storm in Baton Rouge. The plan for future indoor practices is to have Herman Johnson stand over the building to shield the team from the rain in event of future showers until repairs are complete.

Sooner Screws Himself Out of a Scholly. Justin Chaisson, 2009 Oklahoma signee at defensive end, showed excellent pursuit in following his girlfriend in a car, displayed good tackling form by catching up with her and threatening her with a screwdriver, and then finished the play by wrapping her up, putting her in his car, and driving off for a bit before eventually releasing her. No word on whether this will affect his scholarship, but big crazy white defensive end with excellent relationship skills? Nebraska is fully erect at hearing these words.

He's currently tackling the shit out of Knowshon Moreno in a grocery store. No one's sure where Brandon Spikes is, though Urban Meyer says he's off to tend to a family matter.

Aged 17 Years In A Whiskey Barrel For Your Pleasure. Johnny Majors returns to Tennessee after a 17 year boycott, no one really notices all that much, and he gets confused when told that the ball boy over there is in charge, and not him. Shhhhh. Don't tell him. The shock may be too much for him to process.

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Chaisson should have threatened her with a pillow, not a screwdriver. That’s the Cornhusker way. Or, better still, a pillowcase full of screwdrivers…

by Cubehead on Mar 27, 2009 10:49 AM EDT reply actions

OM (Freaking)G that was funny…. “No word on whether this will affect his scholarship, but big crazy white defensive end with excellent relationship skills? Nebraska is fully erect at hearing these words.” I thought the same thing even before I read it….

Instad of fully erect, I was going more along the linges of engorged to the point of needing professional help.

My day is so done now….. where is that Purple Drink at?… good job!

by The Holy Grail on Mar 27, 2009 10:50 AM EDT reply actions

Looks like McElroy is a big fan or Rorschach from The Watchmen!

by Michiana Tiger on Mar 27, 2009 10:53 AM EDT reply actions

I think a new EDSBS rule should mandate a hockey highlight video to underscore any story about gratuitous violence.

I love hockey.

by zzgator on Mar 27, 2009 11:07 AM EDT reply actions

Ahem, I played defensive tackle, sir, not defensive end. Now if you will excuse me, I have a female’s bathroom place to grab.

by Christian Peter on Mar 27, 2009 11:14 AM EDT reply actions

ABHAN is a misdemeanor

by Gamecock on Mar 27, 2009 11:28 AM EDT reply actions

McElroy is sooo ready for the zombie apocalypse.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 27, 2009 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

Steve is makin room for his customary oversignage at Sakerlina, thats all.

by DrB on Mar 27, 2009 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

I think he meant to say that Nebraska has priopism over this incident.

by Crabapple Buck on Mar 27, 2009 12:19 PM EDT reply actions

O, we need to have an all-star Fulmer Cup team by position this year. Plus an updated all time all star team with Ellis T. Jones being excluded to allow the other poor souls a chance at his position.

by yoyofutbawl on Mar 27, 2009 12:19 PM EDT reply actions

South Carolina should get minus one (-1) points for the kid being a walk-on…plus it was during a St. Patrick’s Day festival…white guys of Irish descent are supposed to be violent…

by Evander Holyfield's ear on Mar 27, 2009 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

In McElroy’s defense, and to be perfectly honest, there have been several times where I’ve drunk myself into a blinding white rage at Village Idiot. The flat bud light that they serve there does strange things to the psyche.

by robert on Mar 27, 2009 1:33 PM EDT reply actions

You gave points to a walk on? Seriously? A WALK ON!?

This may need to be renamed the “Load of” Cup

by OnTap on Mar 27, 2009 3:25 PM EDT reply actions

How many Dustins are on the USCe football team? 17? Kinda like Jim Bob on Tenn’s team?

by EZ on Mar 27, 2009 3:39 PM EDT reply actions

…and by “tackling the shit out of Knowshon Moreno”, you mean “not getting called for the most obvious personal foul since Clint McMillan hit Stafford 5 seconds after the whistle”.

Not that I’m bitter.

by Hobnail_Boot on Mar 30, 2009 3:31 AM EDT reply actions