SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE...THE GOPHER'S COMING BACK

by Orson on Mar 26, 2009 11:58 AM EDT

Hallo! And welcome to Play4Brew.com. Coach Brew's plan for success is for the players at the University of Minnesota to get their degrees and graduate from the University. In order to do this...I...

Can you hear me? Really, tell me if you can. Make some kind of sign. I'm...I'm trapped here. I don't know how this happened. I filled out an application, and then ten minutes later I'm in this little box reading this schpiel about Minnesota football academics with a flashlight pointed at me, and now I don't even know what day it is.

Food comes through a slot three times a day. I have a bucket for my personal needs. I haven't had any human contact for days now: the light just comes on whenever anyone visits the site, and then I have to read this script with this smile on my face. If I don't, they turn the hose on. If I do, I get to sleep for ten minutes, unless someone else clicks on it, and then oh jeez here we go again--

---and Coach Brewster has hired two of the nation's top academic compliance officers to help Minnesota be the best academic institution...

Help me. Please. Someone help. Oh god the light's coming on again STOP CLICKING FOR GOD'S SAKES---

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You betcha!

Sorry, I don’t know any other way to respond to a post about Minnesota athletics.

by MaconDawg on Mar 26, 2009 12:01 PM EDT reply actions

A gopher holding a FAL. Not as cool as a rabbit shooting an RPG. That scene is the only redeeming scene in this entire movie.

by BurritoBrosShits on Mar 26, 2009 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

Fist of an angry God…

yo yo footbaw

by A.G. on Mar 26, 2009 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

GO FIGHT! TEAM WIN! 55-0… WHERE ARE THE GOAL POSTS….. WHO AM I… WHY AM I HERE

-TIM BREWSTER Twatter (oops)

by The Holy Grail on Mar 26, 2009 12:22 PM EDT reply actions

That does have the atmosphere of a ransom note video.

Free the Minnesota fan w/ too much eyeliner!

by Techie on Mar 26, 2009 12:28 PM EDT reply actions

I have poorly convincing evidence that she is the crotch spawn which resulted from a case of Boone’s, three cartons of Marlboro Reds and 1000 mg of mescaline consumed by Lou Holtz and Lil Red on a cold Minnesota night back in the winter of ’84.

by vegas_buckeye on Mar 26, 2009 12:33 PM EDT reply actions

vegas_buckeye:

To be fair, it is Minnesota we’re talking about, so you’ll need to lower your expectations. Significantly so.

by JD on Mar 26, 2009 12:51 PM EDT reply actions

“I haven’t had any human contact for days now: the light just comes on whenever anyone visits the site, and then I have to read this script with this smile on my face.”

Here is a blogger who writes from experience.

by Hannibal Montegna on Mar 26, 2009 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

HATE MAIL!!! HARUMPH HARUMPH HARUMPH! HOW DARE YOU?!

Great job, O. Even ardent U of M fans and Brewster backers think this is a little over the top. And Holly, thank you for creating my new wallpaper. You’re still my hero.

by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Mar 26, 2009 1:33 PM EDT reply actions

Carl Spackler sez Gopher poontang is dead poontang.

by yoyofutbawl on Mar 26, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions

This site goes well with my Gophers 2007 Rose Bowl shirt.

by Ben on Mar 26, 2009 3:59 PM EDT reply actions

Hilarious—the URL is so unfortunate… I thought this was going to be about beer, then I realized its a real site.

by Bobak on Mar 26, 2009 4:03 PM EDT reply actions

BurritoBrosShits, the carrying handle and the folding buttstock are similar to the FAL’s but that’s a Galil, the fire selector lever above Goldy’s index figure is a distinctive feature of kalishnikov based assault rifles. Yes, I miss college football very much.

by BaggyPantsDevil on Mar 26, 2009 4:13 PM EDT reply actions