SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE…THE GOPHER’S COMING BACK
Hallo! And welcome to Play4Brew.com. Coach Brew’s plan for success is for the players at the University of Minnesota to get their degrees and graduate from the University. In order to do this…I…
Can you hear me? Really, tell me if you can. Make some kind of sign. I’m…I’m trapped here. I don’t know how this happened. I filled out an application, and then ten minutes later I’m in this little box reading this schpiel about Minnesota football academics with a flashlight pointed at me, and now I don’t even know what day it is.
Food comes through a slot three times a day. I have a bucket for my personal needs. I haven’t had any human contact for days now: the light just comes on whenever anyone visits the site, and then I have to read this script with this smile on my face. If I don’t, they turn the hose on. If I do, I get to sleep for ten minutes, unless someone else clicks on it, and then oh jeez here we go again–
—and Coach Brewster has hired two of the nation’s top academic compliance officers to help Minnesota be the best academic institution…
Help me. Please. Someone help. Oh god the light’s coming on again STOP CLICKING FOR GOD’S SAKES—
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1
MaconDawg says:
You betcha!
Sorry, I don’t know any other way to respond to a post about Minnesota athletics.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:01 am
2
BurritoBrosShits says:
A gopher holding a FAL. Not as cool as a rabbit shooting an RPG. That scene is the only redeeming scene in this entire movie.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:08 am
3
A.G. says:
Fist of an angry God…
yo yo footbaw
March 26th, 2009 at 11:08 am
4
The Holy Grail says:
GO FIGHT! TEAM WIN! 55-0… WHERE ARE THE GOAL POSTS….. WHO AM I… WHY AM I HERE
-TIM BREWSTER Twatter (oops)
March 26th, 2009 at 11:22 am
5
Techie says:
That does have the atmosphere of a ransom note video.
Free the Minnesota fan w/ too much eyeliner!
March 26th, 2009 at 11:28 am
6
vegas_buckeye says:
I have poorly convincing evidence that she is the crotch spawn which resulted from a case of Boone’s, three cartons of Marlboro Reds and 1000 mg of mescaline consumed by Lou Holtz and Lil Red on a cold Minnesota night back in the winter of ‘84.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:33 am
7
JD says:
vegas_buckeye:
To be fair, it is Minnesota we’re talking about, so you’ll need to lower your expectations. Significantly so.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:51 am
8
Hannibal Montegna says:
“I haven’t had any human contact for days now: the light just comes on whenever anyone visits the site, and then I have to read this script with this smile on my face.”
Here is a blogger who writes from experience.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
9
WhiteSpeedReceiver says:
HATE MAIL!!! HARUMPH HARUMPH HARUMPH! HOW DARE YOU?!
Great job, O. Even ardent U of M fans and Brewster backers think this is a little over the top. And Holly, thank you for creating my new wallpaper. You’re still my hero.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
10
yoyofutbawl says:
Carl Spackler sez Gopher poontang is dead poontang.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
11
Ben says:
This site goes well with my Gophers 2007 Rose Bowl shirt.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
12
Bobak says:
Hilarious–the URL is so unfortunate… I thought this was going to be about beer, then I realized its a real site.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
13
BaggyPantsDevil says:
BurritoBrosShits, the carrying handle and the folding buttstock are similar to the FAL’s but that’s a Galil, the fire selector lever above Goldy’s index figure is a distinctive feature of kalishnikov based assault rifles. Yes, I miss college football very much.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
14
The Holy Grail says:
Is Goldy armed and on the bathroom patrol to keep the Hawyeye fans from Fornicating in the Metrodomes’ (OUR DOME) bathrooms
March 26th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
15
Brian O'Blivion says:
Food three times a day? Shit, I knew I was doing something wrong. Now I have no idea what to do with the dead hookers in my trunk.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
16
wilbur says:
Is that a Kanye West album cover?
March 26th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
17
CKGator says:
One small inaccuracy: People in/from Minnesota would never say “Stop clicking for God’s sakes-” It would be “Stop clicking for gosh sakes-”
March 27th, 2009 at 10:07 am