SPRING RUMOR MILL, PART ONE: LET'S GO!

by Orson on Mar 23, 2009 1:23 PM EDT

Things that may or may not be true for spring practice

Michigan: Tate Forcier has earned the nickname "Queen Bee" for his sudden ascent to the peak of Michigan football social hierarchy, thus forcing new boy Vincent Smith to choose between his scruples or his social standing at a new school. Rich Rodriguez disturbed by @WVMountaineer's disturbingly violent stalktweets.

Ohio State: Jim Tressel considering ending his 19 year relationship with Selsun Blue in favor of the slightly cheaper and just as effective Head And Shoulders Intensive Treatment.

Georgia: Mark Richt says: "God Led Me to Choose C-8 At the Snack Machine Wednesday."

UCLA: Rick Neuheisel, strapped for offensive linemen, toys with the idea of putting five stunningly attractive women in as linemen on pass plays to distract or shame the pass rush into giving Bruin qbs time to throw.

USC: Taylor Mays, suffering flashbacks from his past, misses the final two practices of spring, wanders the Canadian wilderness alone, and survives by fighting bareknuckled in desolate, squalid logging camps. He stares grimly into a beer that can never get him drunk.

Florida: Emmanuel Moody, after missing time to injury, falling into Urban Meyer's doghouse for ball security and work ethic issues, has a superb series of spring practices before getting his dick blown out the back of his pants by a frisky roommate testing out the Invisible Engine Cock Shot.

Randy Shannon: In the mode of Georgia Tech's Rambling Wreck, ends spring practice by introducing new Miami tradition, "King Donk."

In pregame, Shannon informs the team, a clearly intoxicated and belligerent Donna Shalala will drive the vehicle onto the field, and perhaps into several things on it.

Arizona: Mike Stoops' record falls to 0-3 on the year despite there being no actual games on the schedule.

Notre Dame: Athletic director Jack Swarbrick isn't sure, but he suspects Charlie Weis may be on to his clever code for discussing the coach's future when he raises a suspicious eyebrow at Swarbricks' overheard comment to several influential alumni visiting spring practice: "enWhay ancay eway irefay ethay atfay anmay?"

Iowa: Enjoying the luxury of returning starters and a relatively quiet offseason, Kirk Ferentz knocks over a convenience store, drives a golf cart over the exposed kneecap of his starting tight end, and kicks three perfectly good running backs off the team just to feel something like normal.

West Virginia. Bill Stewart walks barefoot down a dusty road, whistlin' in the wind, singin' to the blue birds, and a-chewin' on a nice piece a sweetgrass to pass the time. His hair is on fire, but that don't trouble him none.

Texas. Mack Brown nails down the last eight commits for a highly anticipated 2034 recruiting class, campaigns for spot in 2010 National Title Game in advance.

Kentucky. For the 1837th time, Joker Phillips spells out his first name to a local utility's customer service person. "Yes, J-O-K-E-R. (Sighs, puts gun to head.) Yes, like that Joker."

Wisconsin. Bret Bielema wakes up with splitting headache, "Backdoor Whore Corps Vol. 18" on the television, and the front door wide open at 7:00 a.m. Again.

Pitt. Dave Wannstedt sees you from across the room. He knows right from the beginning that you will end up winning. He knows right from the start you'll put an arrow/through his heart. Then, on fourth and short, he attempts a drop-back pass despite having gained yards on the ground at will all day long, and turns the ball over with 3:29 to go in the fourth quarter. ROUND AND ROUND.

Tweet Comment 25 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

I understand Tim Brewster plans on losing a scrimmage against a local community college 55-0 when practice starts tomorrow just for the sake for continuity.

by White Speed Receiver on Mar 23, 2009 1:36 PM EDT reply actions

FSU (in a reverse Arizona) begins a pilot program where the football team scrimmages with various jv high school teams . TK files an appeal when the NCAA refuses to count the wins during said scrimmages.

by hobeg8r on Mar 23, 2009 1:37 PM EDT reply actions

"God Led Me to Choose C-8 At the Snack Machine Wednesday."

Apparently God did not lead Orson to proofread and replace “C-8” with (presumably) “V-8”. You’re forgiven due to the King Donk bit.

by scafidi on Mar 23, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

No, Scafidi. C-8. The Funyuns, which unlike the Doritos never, ever get stuck in the little coils on their way out of the rack.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 23, 2009 1:45 PM EDT reply actions

As long as Coach Tressel is still a Dapper Dan man, my faith in him will not be tested.

by Sam @ WWAHT on Mar 23, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions

Ah, I see where you were going with it. See, I’d think that Richt would shun the Funyuns for something more spiritually and nutritionally fulfilling like V-8. Of course, I WOULD think that, which is why I don’t get to claim “blogger about sports who works with no shirt on” as my occupation.

by scafidi on Mar 23, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

How sad is it that I totally understood the C-8 bit? BTW…Twix around here are F-3.

by zzgator on Mar 23, 2009 1:56 PM EDT reply actions

WSU. Paul Wulff (the extra ‘F’ is for WTF?!?), feeling frisky after his end of season win against the Huskies, offers everyone who shows up to watch spring practice a free Snuggie.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 23, 2009 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

Clarify please: is it the actual mascot WVU Mountaineer sending disturbingly violent stalktweets, or just some random WVU Mountaineer fan-type person?

’Cause the new Mountaineer is a lady, and that would be a rare data point on the “violent-stalker-as-woman” graph.

by An 'eer with a beer on Mar 23, 2009 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

Tennessee’s Lane Kiffykins held a press conference in which he announced that he had fired the entire team for showing up late for practice. AD Mike Hamilton issued a statement that Kiffykins did not have the authority to fire the team. Lane Kiffykins issued a follow-up statement stating that he never meant to offend anyone by suggesting the team be fired and that from what he heard, practice went well.

by hobeg8r on Mar 23, 2009 2:02 PM EDT reply actions

Seriously? They going to make her grow a beard?

by CincySooner on Mar 23, 2009 2:18 PM EDT reply actions

Couch burnin’ girl is the new WfV mascot? Is she barefoot and pregnant?

by Crabapple Buck on Mar 23, 2009 2:22 PM EDT reply actions

Mountaineer is a girl. 2nd time ever. Much angry debate on message boards. Of course, if one of you’ns talks bad about her, we’ll kick yer ass. http://wvutoday.wvu.edu/news/page/7562/
If she can shoot the gun and do the push-ups, then I don’t care. Beard not required.

by jb on Mar 23, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

F.C. Update: Charges dropped against Husker player/coache’s son.
http://omaha.com/index.php?u_page=3918&u_sid=10593466

by Middle America on Mar 23, 2009 2:30 PM EDT reply actions

Ole Mi$$: Houston Dale Nutt speaks for 25 minutes straight, and everybody in the audience thinks he is making perfect sense. However, he is speaking to the Bipolar Society of Memphis.

by yoyofutbawl on Mar 23, 2009 2:31 PM EDT reply actions

Apologies for the superfluous “e”.

by Middle America on Mar 23, 2009 2:32 PM EDT reply actions

No. 10, Kiffykins then tells reporters that anything that gets the UT name out there for free is good for UT.

by SCDawg on Mar 23, 2009 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

Curious WVU factoid: the actual statue of the Mountaineer is beardless:

http://www.wvpics.com/pics/WVUmountaineer.jpg

The tradition of having the mascot grow a beard started back in the ‘70s, but it’s not a requirement.

Could be worse. Could be this:

http://www.as.wvu.edu/soca/images/11_1938-39_mtneer.jpg

by An 'eer with a beer on Mar 23, 2009 2:42 PM EDT reply actions

@middle America #16:

You also forgot the “r”.

by Corrine Brown on Mar 23, 2009 3:01 PM EDT reply actions

jb, “you’ns??” I’ve lived most of my life in WV and don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone from WV say “you’ns.”

by iceman on Mar 23, 2009 3:03 PM EDT reply actions

Ms. Brown, thanks for gustily pointing that out.

by Middle America on Mar 23, 2009 3:16 PM EDT reply actions

@2
That’s assuming F$U actually wins the scrimmages.

@18
Your mascot seems to actually be gripping the rock with his toes. I would suggest “missing link” but with the lack of facial hair, not sure if he fits the generally accepted description of said “link.”

I now open the floor up to theories connecting WfVU and the Missing Link.

by NativeSon on Mar 23, 2009 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Ralph Friedgen: Begins thinking up new excuses for going 7-6 every year despite being in a talent rich area and continuing to lose local recruits. Gets head start on planning return trip to Boise.

by jg on Mar 23, 2009 9:07 PM EDT reply actions

@22
Nah, the Mountaineer in the statue is supposed to be standing way up on top there:

http://www.mtnriverhome.com/images/seneca_rocks_mvbw.jpg

I’ve been up there; and believe me, when you’re standing on top of that ridge your toes can crush solid granite. It’s a long fall otherwise.

by An 'eer with a Beer on Mar 23, 2009 9:16 PM EDT reply actions

Iceman, I’ve heard you’ns here, although I get pretty far out in the sticks, and it’s infrequent. Not meant as a negative, just tongue in cheek flavor. I’ve met some old timers that i could barely understand in conversation; it just makes it interesting. I love WV and choose to live here proudly.

NativeSon, I think the mountaineer statue is wearing thin moccasins, and yeah you grip with your toes; sandstone can be slick. We’ve all seen what happens when you slip when there is a Panther about; no good can come of it.

by jb on Mar 23, 2009 9:17 PM EDT reply actions