FOOTBALL NAMES THAT SHOULD EXIST
This post sponsored by Publix, who’d be honored to have a football player named after their fine chain of grocery stores.
Football players’ names that should exist: Produced in cooperation with the Great Barstoolio.
Clampett Rank
“Renaldagarious Catface Burtsmith Campbell
Delisharious Sluts Barkin
Publix Euripedes Jelfry
Gas Station Montclair
Anklette Digiorno Jackson
Ford Taurus Explosion
Shrubbery Hopkins
Hobie Ray Jims
Jims Ray Hobie
Slimshot McGonnarray
Prevaricate Anthony Stingrae
Hammer Warren
Wave Nebuchanezzar (sp) Wilson
Peacedonkey Valtrex Murphy
Shelf Roger Petersonskins
51 Cent Evans
Google Hampton
Threepac Davey
Traenavarious Ishus
Hopalong Leggety
Shed McRabbity
Jonas Jonas Jonas
Tarranchulus Berry
Leech L’Avenueshus
Bicycling Treestump
D’D'Deadrick Simmons
Jester Esophagus
Tai’rant
Windowblinds Sears
Luc Barnnnnnns
Chicago Asiatic Sainsbury
Lo’Mayne Noodul
Cheyld Model
Perfectivus Flexor
Transporter Williams
Lyon Maine Luxurior
Jump Start Jones
Excalibur Melvin
Book Biinder Librarious
Exeter Nooseman Mooseberry
Mats Kurdpummler
Wilhelm Horsstryker
Wraythe Odyawantu
Telephone Koala
Xerxes McGruff
Liberty Mutuous
Contrariant Snyder
Johnny Birdshot Labrodeau’eax’or
Derek Snoofdgiver
Eaux D’licious
Dade Catgiver
Gater D. Wrestleheimer
Cousin Pregnacious
Zartan D’Litigate
Ozzy Turkoluxe
Markupp Oxenfeed
Jamacious Islander
Chow Chow
D’Tergent Tide
Ho Lo Ho
Agrebeyanu Effendi Rothstein
Tampain Assious
Unikorne Tradewinds
Beastious Elephante (with an accented e)
Saturday Next Weekly
Bizkit Seepage Cromartie
Geechat Wheel
Peptide Wilson
Facebook Holmes
% Rogers (pronounced percentage)
Homey Benz
Evolusia Benson
Roald Chain Samson
Globe Evans
Never Scared Anderson
Statue Of Liberty Nelson
Mandible Hoschauer
Babaghanoush Treereaper
Dirk Dirk Mahoney
Glubnuk Giggety
Ewok Bentley
Jeeves Jeeves
Rajiv Patmanutsak
Pornjib Thaiporn
Little Girl Gerald
Kingly Ransom
Old Testament Turner
Revalations Nook
Federal Hogg
Roger Tableau
Weevil Benders
Pee Pee Beaxjangles
Deeveedee Barnes
Molehill Skerrit
Nash Bridges
Optimator Cranderson
Plains Artshoop
Workable Littleton
Hardmon Hardman
Trayne Tracks
Eissfloe Amundsen
Independence Hall
Dadabase Manson
Javanese Oarman
Picasoh Sanders
Puerto Rico McNally
Ram Page
Church Bell Landiso
Loading ...
1
D'Jango says:
As funny as some of these names are, I don’t think it is unrealistic to expect to hear of any of the following within the next 5 years:
Traenavarious
Tarranchulus
Perfectivus
Excalibur
Jamacious
Federal
Optimator
Independence
Derek
March 18th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
2
plastic paddy says:
During the off season I don’t know what’s harder, writing the posts or reading them.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
3
4.0 Point Stance says:
Paddy, the real offseason challenge is (3): finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Oh, right, that ‘job’ thing.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
4
The Great Barstoolio says:
#2: You are no longer Plastic Paddy.
I rename you “Buttsplosion Nofunnery.”
Carry on!
March 18th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
5
CincySooner says:
Chili Runz
Driver Wilde
Alister Bullfeathers III
Jaxon Painthuffer
Jerry Chryst
March 18th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
6
NRBQ says:
All winners!
From the real world, Derwood Kirby’s hard to beat.
I once knew a kid named Prince Albert. He met an un-princely end, when he ducked out of church to go swimming and drowned.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
7
Philip says:
Leviathan Gigglefoot
March 18th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
8
CincySooner says:
Hans Greed
Humper Hunter / Hunter Humper
Cornchute MacDaniel
Skye Pickleballs
D’Earnest Fragile
March 18th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
9
robert says:
MacGyver Lancaster
or my 3 star recruit from NCAA 09, Paris Slaughter
March 18th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
10
CincySooner says:
Trapdoor J’adore
Maxim Quarterstaff
March 18th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
11
robert says:
Oh and something (pointless) I recently learned: Rainn Wilson, aka Dwight Kurt Schrute was almost named Thucydides by his hippie parents. Thanks, NPR!
March 18th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
12
yoyofutbawl says:
6
Rocky & Bullwinkle once had to search the Himalayas for the Kirward Derby, a hat that granted mystical powers. Kinda like the Oogle Bird and betting.
And don’t forget about Mike Hunt, who still lurks in Starkvegas.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
13
Harris says:
Way too much work. If you want to name a football player, just take the name of an OTC cold/allergy medication and pair with a 19th century president.
Tavist D. Grant
Allegra Filmore
Claritan Cleveland
Triactin Hayes
Actifed Lincoln
Drixoral Buchanan
Edfidac Jackson
March 18th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
14
TJ says:
I wanted to avoid laughing out loud in class, so I had to scroll down and stop reading. Then the list kept… happening. Then the comments. Jesus, I have to save this for later before I get kicked out of class.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
15
TJ says:
Also, I like to imagine some sort of fevered list like this is how they came up with Alpa Chino.
And I’m not sure even any of these manage to top Jim Bob Cooter, the greatest name in human history.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
16
Digital Headbutt says:
Harris:
Zicam Van Buren!
March 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
17
Digital Headbutt says:
Kaktiss Malone
Magnificent Livingstone
Ponsius Pilot
Cameroon Blacksmith
Dangerous Quincy
March 18th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
18
CincySooner says:
REAL NAME ALERT!!!
While browsing ESPNs college football page today, I ran across this name gem… Zack Asack, former QB, now a Safety.
Wouldn’t alarms go off in your head if you were Dave Cutcliff and your QBs name has “sack” in his last name?
March 18th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
19
Jesus says:
I once created an entire team on NCAA Football consisting of desirable names for players. The anchor of the O-Line:
6′7″ 375 lb. LaDontron Willis
March 18th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
20
Roll Tahd says:
18
Is that pronounced ass-sack?
March 18th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
21
Sam @ wwaht says:
Rex Ramses
Gunner Glory
Excellence Elroy
Master Swordsman
Mister Simpson (oh, wait)
Blackjack Womack (almost certainly an LSU linebacker)
Tedward Edward
Frankie Fontinau
Tremayne Talleyrand
Autobahn Bismarck
March 18th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
22
Harris says:
@ Digital Headbutt (#16): Sounds like Michigan has a new punter.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
23
Brian O'Blivion says:
Future Fulmer Cup material:
Felonious Montgomery
Scooter Infraction
Dewey Flak
DeMaurice Yayo
Tremendous Blow
March 18th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
24
haveagreatday says:
it took me a second to realize that the hanging quote on the front on “Renaldagarious Catface Burtsmith Campbell was intended. no idea how to pronounce it either. Bravo.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
25
thwg1974 says:
I went to school with a kid whose name (on his birth certificate) is…Beaver Packer!!!
March 18th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
26
77south says:
We must create a scholarship fund in their names. Maybe the dream can be realized.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
27
jose en cali says:
Poontavious Piledriver
March 18th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
28
Magnesia Philips says:
Thank you. I have not laughed so hard in so long. Instant classic. BTW, I think I broke a rib so I will need the name of your attorney.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
29
Pecan says:
My mother (an elementary school teacher in North FL) had a young girl in her class:
Tatiana Tittensore
Not sure of the spelling, but the pronunciation is spot on…
March 18th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
30
BocaHuskyUWowl says:
florida atlantic LB Yourhighness Morgan
March 18th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
31
King Joey says:
I could be biased, but can we really continue to find any imaginary names humourously outrageous in the era of Mingo the Merciless?
March 19th, 2009 at 2:50 am
32
Buttsplosion Nofunnery says:
Careful Barstoolio or I will introduce you to my “friend” LaDonkay PunCha
March 19th, 2009 at 7:40 am
33
Philip says:
Sentry Rollinship
Harold Highhamer
Imperius Constantine
March 19th, 2009 at 8:10 am
34
Craig says:
A GT player from about 7 years ago:
I-Perfection Harris
He had a sister (who ran track) named I-Supreme Harris.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:40 am
35
Big Jon says:
I’ve heard of Bizkit Seepage Cromartie. Doesn’t he play for Neece High in Jacksonville? A speedy OLB that hits like a truck, but may have to move to corner or safety at the next level due to size. I heard he’s between UF and LSU for the class of 2011.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:47 am
36
Holla McGeezy says:
Actual name alert and future Fulmer Cup material:
Nefarious Jackson
March 19th, 2009 at 9:03 am
37
WhoooTex says:
Dodecametrius McFadden
March 19th, 2009 at 9:51 am
38
Gabe says:
Mountain Dew Comancho
March 19th, 2009 at 10:40 am
39
Terry Tate, Office Linebacker says:
My mother is a piano teacher and once had to introduce a brother and sister at a piano recital (at a church) whose names were Shithead and Asshole, pronounced “Shi-they-ad” and “A-sho-lay”, respectively. She jsut called them Mister and Miss and skipped that whole problem…
March 19th, 2009 at 10:46 am
40
Ramblin' Jeff says:
This reminded me of an IM conversation a buddy and I had a couple summers ago. Here’s all the audacious names we came up with, edited down. (the first few have the same last names cause we were at first discussing ridiculous shit to name our kids.)
Balzac Honey McKinley
Cinderella Yuma McKinley
Susquehanna Rolex McKinley
Laramie Jackson “Buck” Parker
Eustis O’Hara “Skip” McKinley
Rapunzel Austin “Missy” Parker
Gallahad Jauquin “Teency” McKinley
Canaan Quincy “Beef” Parker
Alejandro de Pueblo “Willy” McKinley
Dakota Abraham “Chauncy” Parker
Judson Carmichael “Chooch” McKinley
Marlow Jefferson “Geech” Parker
Landolin Sparksmore “Gabe” McKinley
Alphonse Tintin “Beauregard” Parker
Barbam Spinks “SweetTits” McGee
Johnston Paunch “CheeeEEEEEse” O’Franklinton
Julius Schwanz “Screech” Yeardley
Manitoba Kelston “Crackle” Undermore
Fillmore Solstice “Pops” Spoonthrift
Rodney Beau “Dickies” O’Houllihan
Equinox Hartford “Pasty” Dorrington
Eleanor Toffee “Spitz” Swallows
Beasely Quarantine “Sandy” Rollohendro
Brandebourg Gunstein “trick shot” Ianucci
Mandy Ripstone “Lips” Laporte
Remington Persephone “Fireball” McWhorter
Kelly Fernando “Pinkey” Scorpio (male)
Klavin Rexrold “Stink” McClure
Jupiter Heinrich “Spudz” Hernandez
Richter Mangold “Rock” Xybex
Qbert Azore “Spunk” Maxington
Bowman L’Enfant “Brooklyn” Mazario
Zorro Gumshoe “Dynamite” Ypsilante
Corey Speckleman “Toots” Scheblie
I-Perfection Xerox “Bobert” Taunston
Thomas Jefferson “Guffy” Makebarrel
March 19th, 2009 at 11:15 am
41
Tim says:
List needs more redneck names, like Remington McTucket.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
42
The Big Cheese says:
A real WTF? name, reminded by % Rogers. L-a. And no, it’s not “La”, because according to the child’s mother, and I quote, “It’s Ladasha, because the “dash” don’t be silent.”
March 19th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
43
shovel-pass says:
Jarvis Redwine
I.M. Hipp
Oh wait……those were real….and possibly 2 of the greatest football names, evaa.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
44
SonOfBuckeye says:
Dr. Harry Beaver, MD, Obstetrics & Gynecology
http://www.healthgrades.com/directory_search/physician/profiles/dr-md-reports/Dr-Harry-Beaver-MD-FD3B8B34.cfm
(not a football name, but does actually exist)
March 20th, 2009 at 1:32 am
45
WarChiziken says:
although I certainly favor the Southern flavored “Shed McRabbity” or the simplicity of “Tai’rant”, I cannot help but encourage some potential college player to get ahead of the curve and change his name to “Tee Urdwrestler” or just “Tee Urd” if typing/penmanship is a problem
After reading extended wordplay like this it makes me imagine that TCOAN has a very satisfying sex life with a partner who is so thorough and patient with the delivery. Bravo!!
March 21st, 2009 at 7:03 am
46
D'Jango says:
#18 – I never thought someone would name their kid after the band in “Saved by the Bell.” My first kid will be “Hot Sundae”
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:16 am