FOOTBALL NAMES THAT SHOULD EXIST

As funny as some of these names are, I don’t think it is unrealistic to expect to hear of any of the following within the next 5 years:

Traenavarious
Tarranchulus
Perfectivus
Excalibur
Jamacious
Federal
Optimator
Independence
Derek

During the off season I don’t know what’s harder, writing the posts or reading them.

Paddy, the real offseason challenge is (3): finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Oh, right, that ‘job’ thing.

#2: You are no longer Plastic Paddy.
I rename you “Buttsplosion Nofunnery.”
Carry on!

Chili Runz

Driver Wilde

Alister Bullfeathers III

Jaxon Painthuffer

Jerry Chryst

All winners!

From the real world, Derwood Kirby’s hard to beat.

I once knew a kid named Prince Albert. He met an un-princely end, when he ducked out of church to go swimming and drowned.

Leviathan Gigglefoot

Hans Greed

Humper Hunter / Hunter Humper

Cornchute MacDaniel

Skye Pickleballs

D’Earnest Fragile

MacGyver Lancaster

or my 3 star recruit from NCAA 09, Paris Slaughter

Trapdoor J’adore

Maxim Quarterstaff

Oh and something (pointless) I recently learned: Rainn Wilson, aka Dwight Kurt Schrute was almost named Thucydides by his hippie parents. Thanks, NPR!

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Rocky & Bullwinkle once had to search the Himalayas for the Kirward Derby, a hat that granted mystical powers. Kinda like the Oogle Bird and betting.

And don’t forget about Mike Hunt, who still lurks in Starkvegas.

Way too much work. If you want to name a football player, just take the name of an OTC cold/allergy medication and pair with a 19th century president.

Tavist D. Grant
Allegra Filmore
Claritan Cleveland
Triactin Hayes
Actifed Lincoln
Drixoral Buchanan
Edfidac Jackson

I wanted to avoid laughing out loud in class, so I had to scroll down and stop reading. Then the list kept… happening. Then the comments. Jesus, I have to save this for later before I get kicked out of class.

Also, I like to imagine some sort of fevered list like this is how they came up with Alpa Chino.

And I’m not sure even any of these manage to top Jim Bob Cooter, the greatest name in human history.

Harris:

Zicam Van Buren!

Kaktiss Malone

Magnificent Livingstone

Ponsius Pilot

Cameroon Blacksmith

Dangerous Quincy

REAL NAME ALERT!!!

While browsing ESPNs college football page today, I ran across this name gem… Zack Asack, former QB, now a Safety.

Wouldn’t alarms go off in your head if you were Dave Cutcliff and your QBs name has “sack” in his last name?

I once created an entire team on NCAA Football consisting of desirable names for players. The anchor of the O-Line:

6’7" 375 lb. LaDontron Willis

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Is that pronounced ass-sack?

Rex Ramses
Gunner Glory
Excellence Elroy
Master Swordsman
Mister Simpson (oh, wait)
Blackjack Womack (almost certainly an LSU linebacker)
Tedward Edward
Frankie Fontinau
Tremayne Talleyrand
Autobahn Bismarck

@ Digital Headbutt (#16): Sounds like Michigan has a new punter.

Future Fulmer Cup material:

Felonious Montgomery
Scooter Infraction
Dewey Flak
DeMaurice Yayo
Tremendous Blow

it took me a second to realize that the hanging quote on the front on "Renaldagarious Catface Burtsmith Campbell was intended. no idea how to pronounce it either. Bravo.

I went to school with a kid whose name (on his birth certificate) is…Beaver Packer!!!

We must create a scholarship fund in their names. Maybe the dream can be realized.

Poontavious Piledriver

Thank you. I have not laughed so hard in so long. Instant classic. BTW, I think I broke a rib so I will need the name of your attorney.

My mother (an elementary school teacher in North FL) had a young girl in her class:

Tatiana Tittensore

Not sure of the spelling, but the pronunciation is spot on…

florida atlantic LB Yourhighness Morgan

I could be biased, but can we really continue to find any imaginary names humourously outrageous in the era of Mingo the Merciless?

Careful Barstoolio or I will introduce you to my “friend” LaDonkay PunCha

Sentry Rollinship

Harold Highhamer

Imperius Constantine

A GT player from about 7 years ago:

I-Perfection Harris

He had a sister (who ran track) named I-Supreme Harris.

I’ve heard of Bizkit Seepage Cromartie. Doesn’t he play for Neece High in Jacksonville? A speedy OLB that hits like a truck, but may have to move to corner or safety at the next level due to size. I heard he’s between UF and LSU for the class of 2011.

Actual name alert and future Fulmer Cup material:

Nefarious Jackson

Dodecametrius McFadden

Mountain Dew Comancho

My mother is a piano teacher and once had to introduce a brother and sister at a piano recital (at a church) whose names were Shithead and Asshole, pronounced “Shi-they-ad” and “A-sho-lay”, respectively. She jsut called them Mister and Miss and skipped that whole problem…

This reminded me of an IM conversation a buddy and I had a couple summers ago. Here’s all the audacious names we came up with, edited down. (the first few have the same last names cause we were at first discussing ridiculous shit to name our kids.)

Balzac Honey McKinley
Cinderella Yuma McKinley
Susquehanna Rolex McKinley
Laramie Jackson “Buck” Parker
Eustis O’Hara “Skip” McKinley
Rapunzel Austin “Missy” Parker
Gallahad Jauquin “Teency” McKinley
Canaan Quincy “Beef” Parker
Alejandro de Pueblo “Willy” McKinley
Dakota Abraham “Chauncy” Parker
Judson Carmichael “Chooch” McKinley
Marlow Jefferson “Geech” Parker
Landolin Sparksmore “Gabe” McKinley
Alphonse Tintin “Beauregard” Parker
Barbam Spinks “SweetTits” McGee
Johnston Paunch “CheeeEEEEEse” O’Franklinton
Julius Schwanz “Screech” Yeardley
Manitoba Kelston “Crackle” Undermore
Fillmore Solstice “Pops” Spoonthrift
Rodney Beau “Dickies” O’Houllihan
Equinox Hartford “Pasty” Dorrington
Eleanor Toffee “Spitz” Swallows
Beasely Quarantine “Sandy” Rollohendro
Brandebourg Gunstein “trick shot” Ianucci
Mandy Ripstone “Lips” Laporte
Remington Persephone “Fireball” McWhorter
Kelly Fernando “Pinkey” Scorpio (male)
Klavin Rexrold “Stink” McClure
Jupiter Heinrich “Spudz” Hernandez
Richter Mangold “Rock” Xybex
Qbert Azore “Spunk” Maxington
Bowman L’Enfant “Brooklyn” Mazario
Zorro Gumshoe “Dynamite” Ypsilante
Corey Speckleman “Toots” Scheblie
I-Perfection Xerox “Bobert” Taunston
Thomas Jefferson “Guffy” Makebarrel

List needs more redneck names, like Remington McTucket.

A real WTF? name, reminded by % Rogers. L-a. And no, it’s not “La”, because according to the child’s mother, and I quote, "It’s Ladasha, because the “dash” don’t be silent."

Jarvis Redwine
I.M. Hipp

Oh wait……those were real….and possibly 2 of the greatest football names, evaa.

Dr. Harry Beaver, MD, Obstetrics & Gynecology

http://www.healthgrades.com/directory_search/physician/profiles/dr-md-reports/Dr-Harry-Beaver-MD-FD3B8B34.cfm

(not a football name, but does actually exist)

although I certainly favor the Southern flavored “Shed McRabbity” or the simplicity of “Tai’rant”, I cannot help but encourage some potential college player to get ahead of the curve and change his name to “Tee Urdwrestler” or just “Tee Urd” if typing/penmanship is a problem

After reading extended wordplay like this it makes me imagine that TCOAN has a very satisfying sex life with a partner who is so thorough and patient with the delivery. Bravo!!

1. - I never thought someone would name their kid after the band in “Saved by the Bell.” My first kid will be “Hot Sundae”