BRYCE BROWN DECLARES FOR UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX
by Orson on Mar 16, 2009 1:35 PM EDT
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PrintCorrection: Brown actually chose Tennessee. They pay slightly less than the deal reported below.
KANSAS--(AP)
Uber-recruit Bryce Brown stunned the college football world today in announcing his intent to attend the University of Phoenix, hoping to become the first player to ever reach the NFL while playing for a virtual university without a football team.
Brown made the announcement surrounded by his family, friends, advisor Brian Butler, and University of Phoenix founder John Sperling.
"I can't tell you how excited I am to play for the University of Phoenix, where I can get as much of an education as I don't want, and continue to do my thing on the football field in exactly the manner I choose to. I'm logging on: I am a Phoenix."
Brown will be paid 1.3 million dollars a year to attend the University of Phoenix for three years until he is ready to make the leap to the NFL. When asked how this arrangement would not be in stark violation of the terms of amateur competition agreement, Brian Butler--the controversial svengali to Brown and his former high school coach--leapt in to address the doubts about the propriety of the deal.
"Frankly, we think we're forging into a bold new frontier here.
Bryce isn't exactly 'a strong reader,' and he's only interested in playing football in college because he has to go there to get to the game. Rather than bother with all that, he's going to work out, take some bullshit online classes, and keep himself healthy and ready to go for draft."
"He's the only top prospect who I guarantee won't be injured in college, won't fail out academically, and who won't have to worry about a coach lying to him about where he is on the depth chart. Oh, and he's not going to have to worry about taking money under the counter, because my boy is GETTING PIZZ-AID."
Brown then exchanged numerous high-fives with Butler, his family, and with the octogenerian Sperling, who nearly fell backwards from the blow and had to be held up by assistants.
Mel Kiper has already projected Brown as a second round pick for the 2012 draft, and the announcement changed little in his estimation.
"It's a brilliant move. He's a change-maker. A field-flipper. A real factor back with size and moves. I know he may trip on the squat machine at L.A. Fitness and shred his knee and change everything, but as long as he can do eight tricks really well at the combine and fool an army of sub-retarded NFL scouts, I'm convinced he's going to be a great draft pick, and possibly a football player after that."
As for his academic career, Brown plans on studying "Asian shit."
"I love Jet Li, and kung-fu, and all that freaky anime they do. Sperling said I could get online credit pretty much doing whatever I want, so I'm gonna watch some schoolgirls get tackled by space octopuses with eight dicks."
Brown laughed, and then looked at Sperling. "Naw, I'm just kidding, man."
Brown then noticed that Sperling had his hearing aid turned off. He leaned into the mikes of reporters and stage-whispered.
"No I'm not. I'm gonna sit around and watch Asian toon-poon and go to the gym for three years. It's awesome."
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I’m glad I came here for the scoop first! I just hope the NCAA violation-in-waiting doesn’t pick LSU. Sometimes not being in the news is better than the opposite.
by DrBundy on Mar 16, 2009 1:45 PM EDT reply actions
Hey, why not? They already have their own stadium in Arizona.
And I vote for Fighting BSODS
by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 16, 2009 1:46 PM EDT reply actions
What exactly does a fighting kilobyte look like? I’m trying to picture the mascot.
by hobeg8r on Mar 16, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions
“so I’m gonna watch some schoolgirls get tackled by space octopuses with eight dicks”
Ok, now I’m just confused. I thought Miami yanked his scholarship offer?
by MaconDawg on Mar 16, 2009 2:00 PM EDT reply actions
Dr Bundy @ 1: I agree the kid and his advisor look like way more trouble than they are worth. I’d be happier if he went somewhere other than USC.
by oc phil on Mar 16, 2009 2:11 PM EDT reply actions
And it’s settled. Has anyone taken the sharp objects away from Holly yet?
by DrBundy on Mar 16, 2009 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
This is kinda like that time I won Herpes.
by VolunteerValrex on Mar 16, 2009 2:20 PM EDT reply actions
The fact that there is a University of Phoenix ad right below this post makes this even more priceless.
by BurritoBrosShits on Mar 16, 2009 2:21 PM EDT reply actions
3
I can’t seem to remember their fight song too. However, haven’t they hired Dr Lou to be the new HC and AD?
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 16, 2009 2:25 PM EDT reply actions
I wonder if Fulmer left his NCAA immunity idol behind when he cleaned out his office?
by The Tusk on Mar 16, 2009 2:40 PM EDT reply actions
He would never make the grades at U Phoenix anyway and UT probably offered him more money.
by ballsack on Mar 16, 2009 2:47 PM EDT reply actions
U of Phoenix is 5-1 odds on favorite to win the Pac-10 next season.
by GamecockTony on Mar 16, 2009 2:52 PM EDT reply actions
Did we get the ‘handler’ too???
The circus is in town now… yippie!!!
by ExpatVol on Mar 16, 2009 3:16 PM EDT reply actions
Maybe Kiffykins can hold a presser and say something bad about Randy Shannon…call him a cheater or something.
Given Brown’s ego, was that 1 scholarship or 2?
by hobeg8r on Mar 16, 2009 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
Nothing to see here NCAA. Move along please. Ho Hum.
by Lane Kiffin's Nueron on Mar 16, 2009 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
As for his academic career, Brown plans on studying "Asian shit."
He can start by picking out all the peanuts first.
by Touchdown74 on Mar 16, 2009 3:29 PM EDT reply actions
Kiffin told Bryce Brown if he went to Miami, he would end up playing in the NFL like all the other Miami graduates.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 16, 2009 3:44 PM EDT reply actions
Pt2
(quick on the submit button)
And if he wanted an education, he would come to UT, because the NFL stands for “Not For Long” and you can only live off of millions of dollars for so long. A degree is forever.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 16, 2009 3:46 PM EDT reply actions
This is so perfect to have Brown, Kiffykins, and DA COACH O all under one crazy orange tent. This is some sort of perfect combination of crazy. The offseason is a strange beast.
by psuphiman80 on Mar 16, 2009 3:53 PM EDT reply actions
@16:
Actually, he ties up three scholarships.
One for him, one for his ‘manager’ Butler, and a separate one for the ego. Kiffykins, of course, understands the need for a posse completely.
by Not you on Mar 16, 2009 3:55 PM EDT reply actions
@ 4 MaconDawg
Cocktails, sir. 100 of your choosing.
by westbrooke on Mar 16, 2009 4:06 PM EDT reply actions
Tennessee. Perfect. Like peas and carrots, they go together. But, how do you gain yardage without an OL?
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 16, 2009 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
#24
You use your other secret weapon, Big Jon Crompton…..throwing to imaginary receivers all over the field. You will have to use “ghost man” rules in order to advance the ball, though.
He was the only QB to have to run laps for one-hopping the ball to the cut-off man,err, receiver…..
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 16, 2009 5:13 PM EDT reply actions
Given the almost sure to follow NCAA sanctions this kid will leave in his wake, what is the break even point for being ‘worth’ it?
i.e. I don’t think any OSU fans would trade the tarnished image Clarett left for their nat’l championship but will the damage Brown does be bad enough that he needs to do that or will an SEC title and a some probation even out?
by Dave on Mar 16, 2009 6:12 PM EDT reply actions
Good luck, UT! He never would have worked as a tigah anyway – anybody that would even consider not eating for a week (for reasons unrelated to the Church) is not welcome in Louisiana.
by haveagreatday on Mar 16, 2009 6:27 PM EDT reply actions
I dont know who posted this, but this sounds like the work of Mike Leach:
http://slyoyster.com/cheap-thrills/2009/wanna-dress-up-in-fancy-costume-and-ride-the-train-together/
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 16, 2009 6:36 PM EDT reply actions
Send in the clowns, there’s got to be clowns,
don’t worry they’re heeeeere.
The song “Too Hot” comes to mind. Not usu. associated
with Knoxville, TN except June 21 September 15th.
Bruce Pearl’s gonna have to lock up his girlfriends.
by Three Days of Orange on Mar 17, 2009 9:19 AM EDT reply actions
Hummmm… tarnish image for a national championship… at least we admit it now and are going full force, wide ass open into obilivion… I think the image was tarnished as soon as Phil was executed… I mean fired… I mean resigned… on national tv… I can hear the Barnum and Bailey music right now…
by ExpatVol on Mar 17, 2009 12:24 PM EDT reply actions
“Wired magazine reported in their February 2004 article “John Sperling Wants You to Live Forever” that his fortune is quickly approaching US$3 billion, and has plans to donate it to human biology research if and when he dies." – Wikipedia
“WHEN and IF he dies.” Hahaha what a crackpot.
by Brian on Mar 17, 2009 4:51 PM EDT reply actions
His mentor, Tank Black, golf ball through the hosed him. He don’t be knowing it yet; but he will intoduce himself: my name be Bryce, my major are speech.
by Smedley Buttcamp on Mar 17, 2009 9:26 PM EDT reply actions
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