FULMER CUPDATE: UNM FINDS OUT RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFICULT

by Orson on Mar 13, 2009 10:53 AM EDT

Your girlfriend catches you alone with another woman. There's reasons for this to happen: you're helping her with a difficult bit of calculus, or maybe comforting her after a relative died, or perhaps you're having sex with her. They're all on the table, really, except for the sex, which could happen on the floor, sofa, or for the especially adventurous, in the specially constructed chair you've been working on in the basement for weeks. (Semi-SFW, if your boss doesn't mind dildo-chair references.)

Anyway, she catches you, and she claims you roughed her up after confronting you. And the police report reads as follows:

Witnesses told police they heard yelling at these dorms, but no one witnessed any abuse.

The police report said, in regards to the victim, "I asked if she had any marks, bruising, swelling or soreness and she said that her face was red. I checked where she indicated and could not detect any redness."

Friends of the couple who didn't want to go on camera said it comes down to his word against hers.

Now, the little prudence we have suggests we say that if you had just been caught in a compromising position with another woman that the last thing you would do would be to slap the wronged woman around. But people are squirrelly, irrational creatures, and New Mexico's Andre McQueen could have done this. Then again, she could be making it up, and now we're all getting a taste of the fun a prosecutor has trying to figure out what to do with a case like this.

Our task is a bit simpler: two points for UNM for "assault against a household member," a compromise charge since we don't know if it's a felony or a misdemeanor, and will split the difference for the moment.

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Comments

O – it’s a misdemeanor. And a household member can include a person with whom you have an ongoing personal relationship. Though – after the incident, I doubt that will be in the cards for long.

by hobeg8r on Mar 13, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

Will this stuff never end?

Its a munge thing. Everyone just munges any more.

I can’t take it.

No pictures?

WTF?

by Chrisgocomment on Mar 13, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

Deny everything! But remember that women are like buses, another one will be along in five minutes. Holly may disagree. Or apply it to fit her needs too.

by Crabapple Buck on Mar 13, 2009 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

Hey, where’s the OMG CARL JOHNSON negative points for the charges being dropped?

/ARP
//Don’t have time for this shit
///R.B. thinks this is bullshit
////Giggitah

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 13, 2009 11:33 AM EDT reply actions

In the immortal words of Shaggy:
“It wasn’t me.”
And Bill Clinton:
“I did not engage in sexual relations with THAT woman.”(he meant Hilary,duh)

If there are no marks in an assault case, it does not make sense!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you’re in that jury room deliberatin’ and conjugatin’ the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests…..Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey!

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 13, 2009 11:50 AM EDT reply actions

You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn’t tell you to put the balm on. Why’d you put the balm on?

by Mrs. Parrot Panties on Mar 13, 2009 12:29 PM EDT reply actions

No marks, no witnesses?

The guy is either a ninja or innocent: either way, no FC points should be awarded at this time.

by allaha on Mar 13, 2009 12:34 PM EDT reply actions

“you’re helping her with a difficult bit of calculus.”

Sounds like it was more Geometry related, but I may be missing the point.

by GamecockTony on Mar 13, 2009 1:43 PM EDT reply actions

Coulda been math, but he was probably just tryin to get something straight between them . . .if you get my drift.

by General Disarray on Mar 13, 2009 3:05 PM EDT reply actions

He was just helping her square her variance so that her standard deviation would be back to the original units.

by Anonymous IV on Mar 13, 2009 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

Classic case of wronged woman calling cops on your ass because she assumes they will take you to jail. Only she was too dumb to slap the crap out of herself first. That and in recent years cops are slightly less likely to auto assume the man is guilty in a he said she said domestic event. Slightly.

by Al D on Mar 13, 2009 8:46 PM EDT reply actions