NEW CHEESE: CHRIS RAINEY

by Orson on Mar 10, 2009 2:24 PM EDT

New cheese follows newish/soon-to-be-more-important starters around our beloved college football.

Name: Chris Rainey

Substantials: Tiny. Fast. Jiggle-equipped. Aware of all three and prone to showing it. 5-9, 156. Forty: somewhere between 4.24 and 4.4, depending on which reality currency you accept as legal tender. Once beat Noel Devine in a parking lot footrace. Fast enough to be a dick about it and get away with it.

Connotations: Little: the actual name Rainey is a derivative of "Rainer," German for "deciding warrior," and a variant of the first name of Simpsons icon Rainier Wolfcastle. The implications are clear: if you do not like Chris Rainey, perhaps you are a homosexual, too. Also, Rainey probably does fall asleep on a pile of money and beautiful women, since he's already infamous for the phrase "It's good to be Chris Rainey" in connection with some improper gifting at the high school level.

Position: Quarkback, Florida.

Favorite President: John F. Kennedy, because he (like Rainey) preferred the company of white girls. Mmm, pancake ass just like mom used to make.

Benefits: 110 touches up for grabs: that's the lump sum of Percy Harvin's total role in the Gator offense Rainey can eat from this season, total chances he'll likely have to split with fellow microspeedster jeff Demps. Demps probably has more straight-line speed, but Rainey's advantage comes in his ability to split frames and vaporize from spot to spot with lateral jukes and ability to move in tight spaces. He makes hash from trash fairly often, and has good hands as a receiver, as well (though he only had 3 catches on the year last year, his practice catches and spring game receptions indicate little problem playing in a wideout role.) A plug-in horror with battery power for miles, and surprisingly strong: he shook off a number of ankle tackles in 2008. Even getting just half of Harvin's total would get him boggling numbers.

Downsides. The periodic outbreaks of dickishness that could get him in hock with Meyer quickly, and put him in the inescapable tiger pit of Meyer's Cave of Condemnation. (The one where Kestahn Moore set up his own suite due to fumble problems. The cable bill's still in his name there.) Rainey's only real possibility of failure comes via natural or self-inflicted injury; otherwise, he's a stat whore looking to walk the streets of Awesometown, USA.

Prospects: Superb, lest he trip over his tongue on the way to glory. Rainey looks to see significant time playing in all phases of the scoring game: returning kicks beside Brandon James, taking the ball out of the backfield on handoffs and options, and getting the ball in the short receiving game. (GET IT SHORT HAHAHAHAHA.) He's a difficult telephone booth tackle and a set of sad taillights in the distance should you miss a tackle. The best defense is probably to send him complimentary letters praising him above all other team members--that kind of injury may be the most damaging of all to someone as candid and flamboyant as Rainey.

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Comments

“flying 20”?!?!?!?

well shit, no wonder OU lost… Florida players have been practicing how to fly

by CincySooner on Mar 10, 2009 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

jeff Demps – so small, the J in his first name isn’t capitalized

by poguemahone on Mar 10, 2009 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

Pogue, that’s a happy mistake we’ll just leave in there. It’s fitting.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 10, 2009 2:37 PM EDT up reply actions

Muahahahahahahaha! Rainey has MIRV-like agility. Unless UGA bankrupts itself in employing a 747 with a laser on its nose, I see another stellar year for him. WHERE DA WHITE WOMEN AT?

by BurritoBrosShits on Mar 10, 2009 2:45 PM EDT reply actions

No matter what Florida does in football from now on I will never have a more enjoyable football experience than sitting in that half empty stadium that day. We could put 100 on UT and it still wouldn’t match the Cocktail Party of ’08.

by Tom Kasanski on Mar 10, 2009 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks for that clip, Orson. I know I have seen it once before, as well as several of the plays that came before it, but never with the perspective of one not filled with rage, bourbon, and antipathy. And (I think) Vicodin.

This is part of healing.

by Jason on Mar 10, 2009 2:55 PM EDT reply actions

His run at Arkansas was a thing of beauty. Just hope he can stay relatively healthy. a shoulder that is prone to separation and “a mass” in his groin would suggest otherwise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pynQ0ZIpff4

by Kerwin4two on Mar 10, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

Tom @ 5:
I just took a small step backwards.

by Jason on Mar 10, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

Here’s the thing that doesn’t make sense to me. According to the board, Chris Rainey runs the first 20 yards in 2.54 seconds and the last 20 yards in 1.85 seconds. Now if my math is correct (and that’s no given, I went to public school) he runs a 4.39 rather than 4.24. If you’re going to exaggerate about it, you might as well be consistent.

Using that same method other players drop similar amounts, very reflective of the times they did at the combine.

Louis Murphy: 4.25 to 4.38
Percy Harvin: 4.28 to 4.43
Deonte Thompson: 4.28 to 4.41
Wondy Pierre-Louis: 4.31 to 4.51 (at best)

by Tommie on Mar 10, 2009 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

Fulmer Cup Alert:

http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2009/03/arrest_warrant_issued_uab_blaz.html

“An arrest warrant has been issued for Will Dunbar, a standout on the University of Alabama at Birmingham’s football team, for failing to register as a sex offender, according to the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office.”

I’m not sure what surprised me more, the fact that a UAB standout failed to register as a sex offender or that there is such a thing as a “standout” on the UAB football team.

by AL on Mar 10, 2009 3:45 PM EDT reply actions

Sir, I will not allow you to insult the pulchritude of my white sistren. I don’t know if it’s hormones in the milk or steroid abuse in the high schools, but white girls have been growing big round asses for quite some time. I got one of the first models off the line nearly 15 years ago and she still runs like a dream. Back then, if a brother could find a white girl with a black girl’s ass he had to lock her up right away because competition was intense. Today? Pfft, the Chris Raineys of the world don’t know how good they got it. There’s a white girl with a big ass on every block.

by Harris on Mar 10, 2009 3:58 PM EDT reply actions

That little turd is going down next year.

by I Love Turd on Mar 10, 2009 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

We really need to get Chris Rainey on Things…But Very Slowly.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 10, 2009 4:11 PM EDT reply actions

…I love the knee-fake…wonder if Richt will have UGA’s strength and conditioning coach have his team do pushups each day for each yard Rainey got after faking the knee…not that it would make any difference…

by sb on Mar 10, 2009 4:58 PM EDT reply actions

Not sure why you used UGA special teams as the example, as players much slower and less agile that Rainey burned them last year.

by meg on Mar 10, 2009 8:58 PM EDT reply actions

@9: You have to account for acceleration, though. The first 20 is going to be slower than the last 20 because you have to deal with the drudgery of actually increasing your speed from dead stop.

by AERose on Mar 12, 2009 1:46 AM EDT reply actions