HE'S AS QUALIFIED AS ANYONE ELSE
by Orson on Mar 9, 2009 11:05 AM EDT
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PrintJulio Jones, turbofreakbot wide receiver for Alabama who shone despite having to catch loopy, errant passes from the heartbreakingly beautiful John Parker Wilson this fall, has been elected to the Alabama Student Senate despite no being on the ballot, not campaigning a lick for the seat, and stating no interest in the seat prior to his election.
"He did not campaign, to my knowledge, as a write-in candidate, but he got write-in votes for every office and most senate seats," she said.
Barkley/Jones now, Barkley/Jones forevah!
Given the rump parliament of retards, kiss-ass ninjas, fuckwits, slaglobed shitboxers, lizard people, and sluts who ran student government at Florida, we assume the Alabama Student Government must be populated with the same type of half-people who always seem to pop up for these things. Julio Jones is therefore more qualified than any of them since on the open market his pass-catching skills and exceptional athleticism will earn him tens of millions of dolllars at the least in the NFL. That's value, people, something you won't find in someone who gets really excited about sticking it to the Chess Club by cutting their budget.
Therefore: congrats to Alabama for electing someone of actual economic worth. Charles Barkley could totally pull off the governorship, especially if he just starts talking and runs on a campaign of things like "Who hasn't gotten a DUI in the name of chasing an adulterous blowjob?", "That thing that makes you mad? It's someone else's fault," and "I will kill those bastards at the EPA for ruining your prize tomatoes by banning SevenDust." That should cover all the key demographics there. Add Jones as the lieutenant governor, and we're talking blowout here.
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This must mean that Bill Blount has used his influence from behind bars to induct Julio into The Machine.
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 9, 2009 11:15 AM EDT reply actions
“Given the rump parliament of retards, kiss-ass ninjas, fuckwits, slaglobed shitboxers, lizard people, and sluts who ran student government at Florida, we assume the Alabama Student Government must be populated with the same type of half-people who always seem to pop up for these things.”
You obviously know nothing of “The Machine”.
by Bottagetta on Mar 9, 2009 11:19 AM EDT reply actions
You beat me to it yoyofutbawl. Cue the Pink Floyd lyrics.
by MaconDawg on Mar 9, 2009 11:19 AM EDT reply actions
Also, I’ve been looking through Audubon’s Field Guide to North American Birds for a solid 10 minutes and can’t find the slaglobed shitboxer anywhere. Is it indigenous to Alabama?
by MaconDawg on Mar 9, 2009 11:22 AM EDT reply actions
Not just any B.J., as Sir Charles advised the arresting officer, but the Best Head Ever.
by NRBQ on Mar 9, 2009 11:58 AM EDT reply actions
There is going to be a lot of ambivalence among Machine folks at ‘Bama about the comeuppance Julio is going to have to suffer because he ran without the blessing of the football team’s Theta Nu rep.
by King Cockfight on Mar 9, 2009 12:11 PM EDT reply actions
Shhh…Don’t you people know anything? You’re never supposed to admit that The Machine exists. It is just a figment of the Independents’ minds!
by Phocion on Mar 9, 2009 12:11 PM EDT reply actions
I figured this post would go at least 2 comments before Machine references were made. Well done, yowyow. What is the world coming to when Julio Jones can defeat an SAE or KD? Shuddering, I am.
by Coop on Mar 9, 2009 12:28 PM EDT reply actions
I’m starting to think that the first disqualification for holding elective office is wanting the job. I KNOW it should be for being a cop.
by OhioDawg on Mar 9, 2009 12:36 PM EDT reply actions
Really, what’s the problem with kick-ass ninjas and sluts running things again?
by Ltrain on Mar 9, 2009 12:41 PM EDT reply actions
Wait
The EPA banned Sevin dust?!?!
From my cold dead hands!!!!!!
Who’e with me?!?!?! Freeeedddooooommmmm!!!!!!!!
by PeayHog on Mar 9, 2009 12:52 PM EDT reply actions
@10
Said best…
If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.
William Tecumseh Sherman
by Phocion on Mar 9, 2009 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
"We were excited," Knox-Hall said. "He’ll be a good addition to the senate. There area a lot of athletes in human environmental sciences, so, hopefully, he can represent this college well."
Human Environmental Sciences huh? Well played Alabama. You managed to have the name ‘science’ and ‘environmental’ in your stud warehouse. Lessons hard learned from drawing NCAA ire in the past, no doubt.
by tzubear on Mar 9, 2009 1:13 PM EDT reply actions
He’ll be the best student senator that never shows up to any meetings ever.
by LSUKevin on Mar 9, 2009 1:29 PM EDT reply actions
2
Know The Machine well. One of my good friends in grad skool was a former VP of the SGA & he explained “things” to me.
Coop – I married a Bama KD. Happily divorced for 20+ years, thank God.
yoyofutbawl
UA, MBA ’76
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 9, 2009 1:51 PM EDT reply actions
“the machine” – an example of college kids coming up with self-important terminology to describe what is basically just block voting- i was in a “machine” / “old row” fraternity and the whole thing (sga, the greek system, etc) is so gay its embarrassing- the really pitiful thing is there are a whole lot of adults who never outgrow this terrible shit
by matt on Mar 9, 2009 2:42 PM EDT reply actions
“he really pitiful thing is there are a whole lot of adults who never outgrow this terrible shit”
yes, they’re called US Congressmen.
by Dave(not that one, the other one) on Mar 9, 2009 3:04 PM EDT reply actions
“Given the rump parliament of retards, kiss-ass ninjas, fuckwits, slaglobed shitboxers, lizard people, and sluts who ran student government at Florida, we assume the Alabama Student Government must be populated with the same type of half-people who always seem to pop up for these things. "
Spot on, as always!!
by maomatt on Mar 9, 2009 5:36 PM EDT reply actions
Viva Julio!
Moral victory. First win of the season. I hope he rules with an iron fist. Maybe he can use his influence to get the new Birmingham Dome named after him.
“Julio Jones Dome” has a nice ring to it.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 9, 2009 7:54 PM EDT reply actions
@23
or, Dome Julio if you prefer a little more agave in your sporting venues!
by Phocion on Mar 10, 2009 10:27 AM EDT reply actions
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