FULMER CUPDATE: MARSHALL AND OLE MISS DECLARE FOR MAYHEM DRAFT

by Orson on Mar 9, 2009 1:04 PM EDT

Your Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Rampage Jackson, who reminds you that black on black crime is acceptable only if it gets his belt back. The board is Brian's; his pants bulge with a manliness only Reggie Nelson finds comparable to his own.

Clarifications and Award of Points.

Jamar Hornsby: Synonymous With the Word "Charges" Again. Ole Miss's prize transfer Jamar Hornsby left Florida after using a dead woman's credit card for gas money, which could have been a misunderstanding, and let's just give this young man another chance before stamping him with the official USDA approved "DUMBASS" stamp.

Break out that bit of bureaucratic labeling machinery, please; Hornsby was charged with aggravated assault (Felony, three points) and petit larceny (Delicious French misdemeanor, one point) in a brawl in Starkville, MS this past weekend. Our crack sources* tell us that Hornsby was engaged in a hella nasty lopsided fight resulting in some serious injuries, meaning he was not only malicious but unsporting. (All fair fights with lopsided odds should unfold as they do in kung-fu epics: one at a time, please.)

Thus one bonus point for being a repeat offender along with the four charged points for a total of five points for Ole Miss. After a quiet spell under l'Orgeron, Ole Miss has become a contender in both the season and off-season. GIGGITAH.

It is Huntington, WV. From this week's Economist:

"Consider the shoppers at the Save-A-Lot supermarket in Hamlin, West Virginia. At the beginning of the month, when the food stamps arrive, they snap up buckets of lard so big that the label says: "Warning—Children can fall into bucket and drown." The manager, Key-Ray Adkins, shrugs: "People now say lard isn’t good for you. But it’s what we grew up with."

Hamlin is near the Huntington metro area, one of the unhealthiest in America. Some 77% of adults are overweight; an incredible 46% are clinically obese. Some 13% of adults have diabetes, 22% of those over the age of 45 have heart disease, and nearly half the over-65s have lost all their teeth."

What with the gurgling cries of children drowning in lard and the crushing noise of the residents cracking sidewalks, why not block out the noise by getting baked in your dorm room or getting hammered in public to cope with the madness? Also, should you engage in illegal behavior, the chances of the morbidly obese citizens catching you on foot is highly unlikely.

If Marshall's Fulmer Cup offenses could be described as an offensive style, they'd be closest to the late-stage Bill Walsh West Coast offense: short plays where they just get the trouble ball in the hands of playmakers with small charges. It nets them a total of four points here, and reminds us of Marshall's solid long-term performance in the FC markets. Invest now.

Stricken: tOSU's points awarded last week for weed possession, as charges have been speedily dismissed by Circuit Court Judge Tressel. Or someone like that.

UPDATE: Hornsby used brass-knuckles on a drive-through employee. He also was not enrolled at Ole Miss, so the points will not count. Hornsby also faces up to 20 years in prison.

* As in, on crack. But they're all we've got.

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Comments

I’m pretty sure that in Huntington, WV they still have cigarette boxes without the Surgeon General’s warning label on them.

by Geaux Irish on Mar 9, 2009 1:19 PM EDT reply actions

Kernal Dale told all of you non believers on signing day that signing 38 players would work itself out.

Of course, this is a 4 star player we are talking about. I really expect Kernal Dale to bring out some of his old favorite lines for this one. I’ve always been partial to " (insert 4 star player’s name) really needs us more than we need him right now."

by Rick Shaeffer's Stylist on Mar 9, 2009 1:23 PM EDT reply actions

If Marshall’s Fulmer Cup offenses could be described as an offensive style, they’d be closest to the late-stage Bill Walsh West Coast offense: short plays where they just get the trouble ball in the hands of playmakers with small charges.

I once described it as “three yards and a cloud of misdemeanors,” but your way probably works even better.

by DevilGrad on Mar 9, 2009 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

Um, wasn’t there another team with 4 points? The “Daters,” “Faters,” “Haters,” . . . something like that.

by verdant70 on Mar 9, 2009 1:43 PM EDT reply actions

Let he who has never started a brawl in his new arch-rival’s town cast the first stone.

by jakldawg on Mar 9, 2009 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

Columbus, OH District Judge: “Are these your pipes?”

Adams: “Yessir.”

C,OHDJ: “Do you use those pipes to smoke Marijuana?”

Shuggarts: “Nope.”

C,OHDJ: (shuffles papers)

Adams and Shuggarts: (nervous hand-wringing)

Tressel: (catches the C,OHDJ’s eye) (imperceptibly shakes head once)

C,OHDJ: “Ok, then… just checking.”

by CincySooner on Mar 9, 2009 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, what jakldawg said. Shouldn’t there be a partial point for being dumb enough to commit the offense in STARKVILLE, where you know some MSU fans are going to announce your bidness to the world?

by the ex-croominator on Mar 9, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions

Please, Please, Please promise me you will not stop the Giggity references when speaking of Ole Miss. I swear to you I either can’t stop laughing or, if at work, get so red faced that I have to run outside and breathe. That is seriously the funniest bit in all of College Football Blogging. GIGGITAH to you you sir!

by NorCal Buck-I on Mar 9, 2009 1:55 PM EDT reply actions

@5: well done. My mental image is the look that Michael Corleone gave to Al Neri, right before he offed Fredo.

by Expat Ohioan on Mar 9, 2009 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

The real question is WHO was actually publically intoxicated…DaQuan Bembry or DaQuan Markee Starling. This could be a mess of a trial, word is the defense lawyer is pushing for the insanity defense.

by Smoke Dogg on Mar 9, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

Maybe I’m just batshit crazy, but don’t the offenders in question have to be enrolled at the school in order for said school to be awarded points? Don Hornsby I believe had signed an LOI but was still trying to graduate JUCO.

On the other hand we could just assume that he will be arrested for something after enrolling at Ole Miss, and go ahead and put these Fulmer Cup points on his tab.

by Dog Brewer on Mar 9, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

I’d hate to lose out on the points but doesn’t Hornsby actually have to be enrolled at the school and on the roster to qualify?

by Wut on Mar 9, 2009 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

We really need Hornsby to contribute next year, so obviously he’s innocent and all of this is being blown out of proportion by underpaid, under bathed policemen with agendas.

by JimHalpert on Mar 9, 2009 3:01 PM EDT reply actions

They’re not done yet. Giggity.

http://www.clarionledger.com/article/20090309/SPORTS/90309011

by Houston's Nutts on Mar 9, 2009 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Hey Orson,

Christ knows I hate to mention it, but UF should be on the board with 4 points.

GO GATORS!

by MrRedDevil on Mar 9, 2009 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Board from last week

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/fulmercup-39.jpg

by MrRedDevil on Mar 9, 2009 3:22 PM EDT reply actions

@16, Yeah, the board from last week was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Florida’s got 2 for CJ, that’s it.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 9, 2009 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

A clarification: Carl Johnson, as batshit as he is, was only arrested for violating a restraining order, a single point that with bonus point equals two. He was double booked for some reason (SHITTY MATH DAMN YOU) and only earned Florida two points. The sexual assault charges have not been filed, and therefore cannot be awarded.

We regret the error.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 9, 2009 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks for the clarification Orson. Glad to see that Big Carl is sitting at 2, and not 4.

GO GATORS!

by MrRedDevil on Mar 9, 2009 3:33 PM EDT reply actions

Mr @#19…its not for lack of trying, sir. Its not always one gets the opportunity to violate a double-secret, un-noticed court order, and lose two points off your FC tally…really sucks, dude.

by sb on Mar 9, 2009 3:50 PM EDT reply actions

I’m quite impressed/saddened (not sure yet) to not see PSU on the board yet. However be sure to watch the forecast, we all know PSU players don’t get feisty until the weather warms up.

by Scirrotto Sucker Punch on Mar 9, 2009 4:09 PM EDT reply actions

The children drowning lard and staggering obesity stats are pretty sobering, but let’s not forget that this is the state that gave us Tudor’s Biscuit World. Whatever Faustian deal produced Tudor’s was probably worth it.

by westbrooke on Mar 9, 2009 4:12 PM EDT reply actions

Since he was on probation at the time of his Starkville arrest, I think Jamar may find himself with some additional legal problems. Chances are good that MS felony arrest will trigger a VOP (Violation of Probation) hearing back here in Florida. A fair bet is that his probation will go by the wayside and he will be facing some jail time for the 4 misdemeanors. (He has already waived a trial on the credit card theft and has plead guilty to the charges). Next step: Sentencing. Not a good thing for Mr. Hornsby.

by hobeg8r on Mar 9, 2009 4:49 PM EDT reply actions

Chalk up some more points today as andre sterling for the rebels was arrested. Yes sir, western champs bank on it!

http://clarionledger.com/article/20090309/SPORTS/90309011

by ThackerReb on Mar 9, 2009 5:01 PM EDT reply actions

The Gainesville Sun is reporting that charges against Carl Johnson have been dropped.

by peachy on Mar 9, 2009 5:09 PM EDT reply actions

Yep, CJ charge was dropped, and the girlfriend isn’t pursuing any charges either. No points now for UF.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 9, 2009 5:20 PM EDT reply actions

My take on Fulmer Cup points for recruits:

If you recruit a known felon, you should get an automatic point on the sheer stupidity of it (say Willie Williams or Pat Lazear). If that person commits an act like Hornsby – you get the points whether he is on campus or not. You recruited a trouble maker willingly. These should be consequences.

If you signed a kid that has never been in trouble, you should get provisional points. If you drop the recruit, the points drop. If you keep him, you keep the points.

Sound about right?

by NCDawg on Mar 9, 2009 6:27 PM EDT reply actions

#27

too complicated… you’re missing the point of the FC race. It’s all about who can’t control their players. For all we know the college experience is just the thing these young minds need to put them on the straight and narrow. Right? RIGHT?!?! hello? is this thing on?

by CincySooner on Mar 10, 2009 9:08 AM EDT reply actions

Brian @ #26…now no points?! Can’t we even get points for the alleged argument over the use of a condom? I mean, cover it or don’t, birth control or disease prevention, where are our priorities? Aren’t these the debates that define our times?

by sb on Mar 10, 2009 9:27 AM EDT reply actions

As usual, i had to try and not laugh so hard I pissed myself. Great job again.

by T-Miller on Mar 10, 2009 4:36 PM EDT reply actions

As a resident of WV who is 1) not obese and 2) has all his teeth (my dad’s the dentist), I have long argued to my state representatives that Huntington should be A. given to Kentucky as a gift (or pox) OR B. dumped into the river.

MU’s athletic dept. would be better used for intramurals as it’s nothing but a black hole for state tax dollars.

by TC#27 on Mar 10, 2009 10:57 PM EDT reply actions