NEW CHEESE: AARON CORP

by Orson on Mar 5, 2009 1:26 PM EST

New cheese follows new starters around our beloved college football.

Name: Aaron Corp

Substantials: Has beefed up to 204 pounds after coming into USC at 180, stands 6' 4", and has has a removable head for maintenance purposes:

Connotations: The only quarterback that already sounds like his own evil multinational conglomerate.

Position: Quarterback, USC

Favorite Presidents: Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Go out on a limb there, Daredevil. Our favorite president is Gorilla-Man. You say he's never been President? Yet, friends. Yet.

Benefits: Sex. We can't possibly imagine the amount of sex available to the starting qb at USC. It must be like going to Whole Foods every day and discovering that the free sample on every aisle is pussy. It must be like being attacked by ninjas at every turn of every corner, but instead of attempting to throttle you, they disrobe and unveil their secret identity as turbonymphettes determined to fry every nerve ending out of your jimmy as part of a four year course in Pants Rescue and Sextraction. Your verbs while spoken at USC as a starting quarterback are all in the same tense: the pussy pluperfect. We don't know what that means, but it applies.

You're also likely to go to the NFL even if you ride the bench, and if Matt Leinart is any indication, no amount of NFL glory compares to the worship you receive as the starting qb at USC. His entire offensive line consists of juniors and seniors, too. Fun.

Downsides. Will ruin you for other pleasures in life forever. Besides that the possibility of failing on the national stage? Absolutely no downside, especially as you're not replacing Leinart or Palmer, but merely the good-to-occasionally great Mark Sanchez. (Sentence taken almost entirely from last year's piece on Sanchez with John David Booty in the Sanchez slot.) Also has to work with the downhome new USC offensive coordinator Jeremy Bates, but expect no drastic changes in what has been a pro-style, play-action offense at USC. Everything remains keyed to put players in the draft, and that means keeping the qb under center, the wideouts NFL-tall, and the line loaded with mean-ass Samoans and blue-chip continentals who can block out their pro-ish assignments.

Prospects: Yawn. The usual excellence maligned with a midseason loss to an Oregon State or Stanford out of nowhere, the posh luxury of being the quarterback for the de facto pro team of Los Angeles sigh...all of the basics, you know. Just the standard "Babylon's Prize Man-Stallion" treatment. The sedan chair you're carried aloft in may seem excessive, but you're wrong. The sedan chair is merely luxurious; It's the flatscreens in the sedan chair that make it excessive

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Will ruin you for other pleasures in life forever

Yeah, in some sense, it’s all downhill from here. Like a Ringo Starr solo concert in the 80’s.

by OhioDawg on Mar 5, 2009 1:34 PM EST reply actions

you might want to put a helmet on before reading these life altering quotes; ‘cuz they’ll blow your mind. jack handy is getting a run for the money here.

http://www.aaroncorp.org/aaron-corp-quotes.php

by teddy dupay on Mar 5, 2009 1:43 PM EST reply actions

http://www.bullmoosestrikesback.com/blog/blogpics/mattdamon.jpg

Yeah, his team will probably hand my team its own head come September 12. But he still looks like Matt Damon in Team America.

by poguemahone on Mar 5, 2009 1:46 PM EST reply actions

teddy @#2…the depth and insight truly boggles the mind…

by sb on Mar 5, 2009 2:15 PM EST reply actions

All of this only comes to pass if he can beat out Mitch Mustain in practice.

Otherwise the ninjas will simply throw delicious fresh-from-the-oven cookies at him.

by CincySooner on Mar 5, 2009 2:15 PM EST reply actions

This site’s official Favorite POTUS was President Camacho, I thought.

by spartanmike on Mar 5, 2009 2:20 PM EST reply actions

OK, so he’ll see more ass than a toilet seat. But will he have a horse named after him?

May I suggest when Traveler dies, they rename him Aaron Corpse.

by Crabapple Buck on Mar 5, 2009 2:23 PM EST reply actions

He should legally change his name to Aaron Carp. Think of the possibilities with a moniker like that.

“Carp hooks up for TD on fly route”.
“SC’s offense looks a little fishy today.”
“Bruin Defense Feasts on Carp.”

by yoyofutbawl on Mar 5, 2009 2:25 PM EST reply actions

“Aaron Corp as a junior (9 foot 4 and 195 pounds)”…

and i thought adding a couple inches was only for the nba! maybe it’s my fault for actually reading the damn page…joke’s on me i guess!

by exagerate-much on Mar 5, 2009 3:15 PM EST reply actions

Skinny QB’s never last. Trust me. Ask Brodie “Unbreakable” Croyle how being wafer thin works out when you get sacked more than twice in a game. There won’t be no
“Corp Smash” plays, I’ll tell ya that.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 5, 2009 3:48 PM EST reply actions

Orson,

That Benefits paragraph should be engraved in gilt bronze and displayed prominently in you home/work environs forever as a testament to and reminder of your thunderous talents.

And from now on, I will respond to the pussy pluperfect, and no other tense. Thank you.

by NRBQ on Mar 5, 2009 4:26 PM EST reply actions

@ 10

Tom Brady, and more pertinently the NE Patriot OL, disagree with you. All you need is good blockers and you can weigh 150 lbs and be fine, assuming you have an arm on you.

Yeah, according to Deadspin Brady has bulked up since he went through the combines, but it does not matter what you weigh if you do not get sacked for a season.

by Coop on Mar 5, 2009 4:26 PM EST reply actions

#12
Yeh, unfortunately for Brodie, he hasnt had that luxury. Ever. Whenever I feel bad for myself, I pop in the Auburn game where he got sacked 11 times, then I feel better that I aint him.
He is the closest thing we have to a Bionic Man in Alabama, and I think he has run out of things to surgically repair with the Chiefs.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 5, 2009 4:40 PM EST reply actions

Since when did Mick Jagger have a kid that is actually uglier than himself??

Also, Mertin Hanks called, he wants his look back.

by Drew on Mar 5, 2009 6:23 PM EST reply actions

“the pussy pluperfect”

Damnit, I’m such a nerd…

So I totally took Latin classes in High School. There are three past tenses: imperfect, perfect, and pluperfect.

Imperfect is for something that has happened, and is still happening (I decided to go to the store to get some food, do you need anything while I’m here?)

Perfect is for something that has happened, and is no longer happening (I went to the store and got some food)

Pluperfect is for something that had happened before the past tense you are talking about: (I had already gone to the store to get some food when you called).

Thus, the pussy pluperfect would be that the pussy was already a thing of the past for whatever you’re describing.

So. While it SOUNDS awesome superficially, what it’s really saying is that sex is a fond memory, and has been for a while.

God damnit, I am such a nerd…

by Not You on Mar 5, 2009 6:33 PM EST reply actions

#10:

HONK! (I sacked Brodie)

I actually saw one of those bumper stickers today. In Florida no less. Sadly there was no “punt Bama punt” sticker on his Yukon.

by Big Jon on Mar 5, 2009 7:50 PM EST reply actions

@ #2 & #9: Did you guys notice the part on that web site where it says it is not associated with Corp or USC? Just somebody throwing up a hokey page to draw some traffic based on the kid’s name.

And actually Jeremy Bates isn’t the new OC, that job is going to John Morton. But Bates will be the one calling the plays. Exactly what the coordinators do under Pete is murky at the best of times.

by oc phil on Mar 5, 2009 8:11 PM EST reply actions

“Prospects: Yawn. The usual excellence maligned with a midseason loss to an Oregon State or Stanford out of nowhere,”

I believe you mean the usual excellence maligned by a midseason loss to Cal. Also perhaps Oregon. But they’re going to beat the crap out of Ohio, again.

by AERose on Mar 5, 2009 11:34 PM EST reply actions

@15, thanks. I’m fairly certain I’ll never do anything with that information, but learning useless facts is one of the things that makes this blog great.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 6, 2009 11:24 AM EST reply actions

Not you @ 15 – When it comes to the pussy pluperfect (heh) tense, you could also have the following example: “Aaron Corp had already had some hot ass when his next door neighbor came by to provide more hot ass.” It could also indicate a steady stream of same, in other words, just yesterday instead of today.

by DC Trojan on Mar 6, 2009 11:07 PM EST reply actions