FULMER CUPDATE: NEBRASKA PILLOWFIGHTS ITS WAY IN

by Orson on Mar 5, 2009 11:06 AM EST

Pillowfights aren't always sexy. We reserved a special pillow for Boy Scout camping trips: the Hammer. The Hammer was an ancient down pillow that had, over the course of decades, surrendered much of its fluff to the atmosphere, leaving the remainder as a sack of rock hard feather stems and assembled grit. It had zero give as a pillow, and may have accounted for years of nightmares we had as a child about clowns crushing us in the watery pits at the bottom of elevator. We're actually not sure it wasn't just a sack of corn husks and gravel with a pillowcase around it, now that we think about it.

When swung with the appropriate amount of force, though, the Hammer could shatter testicles, evict teeth, and turn a raging pillow fight into a 360 degree swath of prone bodies around you. It was our preteen Mjolnir, and worked with the kind of force that Nebraska defensive end Barry Turner must have applied in a mighty alleged swat of a pillow at his girlfriend on Friday night. Ordinary pillows don't get you third-degree assault charges.

According to the police report, Turner and the woman fought on Friday night, when Turner allegedly picked her up in the entryway and carried her into the apartment. There, he asked her about a phone call, and when she did not answer, allegedly hit her with a pillow. The report said she grabbed a candlestick and hit him in retaliation. He allegedly responded to that by biting her on her arm and refusing to let her leave.

The universe gives you a FAIL on the Rhett Butler move, Barry, but awards points for the attempted candlestick murder by your girlfriend, Miss Scarlet. As for biting: when your relationship reaches the point where emotions run so high you can only communicate with biting, then it's true love. We suggest proposing immediately, because that kind of fire does not die.

Nebraska is awarded one point for their efforts in the Fulmer Cup, bringing their total up to a respectable two points in the early innings of the Great Race.

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Did the <a href="http://media.www.reflector-online.com/media/storage/paper938/news/2009/03/03/News/Breaking.Msu.Football.Player.Suspended.Indefinitely.From.Football.Team.Following-3659463.shtml" rel="nofollow">Mississippi State points get allotted? Pound of weed with “intent to distribute”.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 5, 2009 11:26 AM EST reply actions

And to think, without Title IX, the above video would have never happened.

by meatybob on Mar 5, 2009 11:26 AM EST reply actions

It’s coming. In the desert you space your rations, Brian.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 5, 2009 11:30 AM EST reply actions

This is just muscle memory from the Cosgrove years. Bo will have the Blackshirts swinging shovels by next spring.

by Land of Os(borne) on Mar 5, 2009 12:03 PM EST reply actions

A pillow? A candlestick? A hallway?

Are we sure they weren’t just acting out some elaborate game of “Clue”?

Orson, I’d tell you why that Scout’s pillow was rock hard, but I don’t want to scar you even more. The fact that you were a Scout is bad enough.

by GamecockTony on Mar 5, 2009 12:04 PM EST reply actions

Is the Miss State guy still considered a recruit since he just sign his LOI this year?

by Theskipster on Mar 5, 2009 12:12 PM EST reply actions

Turner should have realized that with his last name, he’ already got two strikes against him in the abuse category.

by Curtis on Mar 5, 2009 12:16 PM EST reply actions

Your Boy Scout camping trips weren’t sexy?

Oh, yeah, I remember, you guys are Florida, not Michigan.

by Tim on Mar 5, 2009 12:59 PM EST reply actions

Mjolnir!

by OhioDawg on Mar 5, 2009 1:29 PM EST reply actions

I tried to resist “You don’t bring a pillow to a candle fight, son” but there you have it.

It’s Lincoln after all, and after hibernating all winter it is not uncommon for folks to randomly chomp on each other for the entertainment purposes. When everything is said and done this should leave us with exactly one DE who has starting experience in the fall. //look of disgust

by Flatlander on Mar 5, 2009 2:02 PM EST reply actions

Pillow fight? I like that pillow sack full of oranges from The Grifters. That’ll get your attention real fast. Plus leave no brusies.

And…GO BULLDOGS!!! WOOHOO!!! We’re on da FC board!!!

by yoyofutbawl on Mar 5, 2009 2:36 PM EST reply actions

No charges were filed.

You clowns will have to figure how to successfully subtract one from two to amend your ranklings.

by eastofwest on Mar 5, 2009 3:23 PM EST reply actions

You hear that? HE CALLED US CLOWNS. That’s bringing down the thunder. At least three men over fifty are nodding and pointing at you in appreciation.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 5, 2009 3:41 PM EST reply actions

Oh eastofwest, you dont bring a clown to a Fulmer Cup fight…tsk tsk tsk…..
If I had a dollar for everytime I was called a clown, I’d be a clown with money.
Also, I haven’t had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!………I mean…. I was dating alot.

What he should have done is glued magnets to her head, to confuse her. It works on reptiles, why not a woman w/ PMS issues?
Also, biting is a form of communication when someone is not listening, or you cannot talk to tell someone to stop doing something, biting gets their attention and is wholly endorsed by many 2yr olds. Usually happens when you have them in the headlock. My boys will know how to grapple before they get into preschool, but without the biting.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 5, 2009 4:02 PM EST reply actions