Pillowfights aren’t always sexy. We reserved a special pillow for Boy Scout camping trips: the Hammer. The Hammer was an ancient down pillow that had, over the course of decades, surrendered much of its fluff to the atmosphere, leaving the remainder as a sack of rock hard feather stems and assembled grit. It had zero give as a pillow, and may have accounted for years of nightmares we had as a child about clowns crushing us in the watery pits at the bottom of elevator. We’re actually not sure it wasn’t just a sack of corn husks and gravel with a pillowcase around it, now that we think about it.

When swung with the appropriate amount of force, though, the Hammer could shatter testicles, evict teeth, and turn a raging pillow fight into a 360 degree swath of prone bodies around you. It was our preteen Mjolnir, and worked with the kind of force that Nebraska defensive end Barry Turner must have applied in a mighty alleged swat of a pillow at his girlfriend on Friday night. Ordinary pillows don’t get you third-degree assault charges.

According to the police report, Turner and the woman fought on Friday night, when Turner allegedly picked her up in the entryway and carried her into the apartment. There, he asked her about a phone call, and when she did not answer, allegedly hit her with a pillow. The report said she grabbed a candlestick and hit him in retaliation. He allegedly responded to that by biting her on her arm and refusing to let her leave.

The universe gives you a FAIL on the Rhett Butler move, Barry, but awards points for the attempted candlestick murder by your girlfriend, Miss Scarlet. As for biting: when your relationship reaches the point where emotions run so high you can only communicate with biting, then it’s true love. We suggest proposing immediately, because that kind of fire does not die.

Nebraska is awarded one point for their efforts in the Fulmer Cup, bringing their total up to a respectable two points in the early innings of the Great Race.