5 MOVIES COACHES CANNOT LIKE
by Orson on Mar 4, 2009 11:38 AM EST
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PrintA conversation with another college football blogger via IM, after finding out Randy Shannon liked the movie 300:
CFBlogger: So, so disappointing.
Orson: What coach won't like that movie?
CFBlogger: A humanistic coach with a sense of pacing, scale, acting and suspicion of fascistic undertones?
Orson: All coaches love fascism.
CFBlogger: It works for them.
Many coaches attempt to defuse the tension before games by having a team movie night, or by cutting up Gladiator-type action flicks into dramatic montages for motivation. (If Mike Leach's trend of one is any indication, watching teen vampire soft-core porn before big games is a strong indicator of future FAIL.) This led to the concept of "Name a movie that is completely useless to a coach," or better still, "movies one should not show to your team ever, ever, ever prior to a game."
A quick list of five films completely devoid of motivation to a football coach follow in no particular order:
5. Twilight. It has a one game losing streak as pregame movie of choice, and why not: little could be less motivating to a man seeking to lead a team to victory than the sad reminder that what women really want in their heart of hearts is a spellbinding but cold-blooded lover they can never attain. And unless you're an Alabama, LSU, or Michigan State fan or in love with a vampire, you'll never really know what that feels like.
4. The Perfect Storm. Never has a movie so willingly cut its balls off after demonstrating such great testicular potential.
You spend 90 minutes gearing up the final moment where the storm destroys the ship, and instead of George Clooney shooting fate a non-index and ring finger assisted bird as he bites down on a pressure activated plastic explosives charge, you get Marky Mark mooning over love looking into the clouds on his way to a shivering death by water. Nothing sets up an overwhelmed team going in for a sheer asswhipping for a paycheck like, "It's okay, at least you got to have sex with someone you like."
3. Everybody's All-American. Hey, kid. This is a real important game. Here's a tale about how you will never, ever get back these three seconds of glory, and how the rest of life is one long slide into the twin oblivions of responsibility and mediocrity. But hey, in the book he kills himself, so the movie's way, way better. LET'S GO. [/losesbyfiftypoints.]
2. Old Yeller. If ever a game would be forfeited due to an outbreak of sorrow, this would cause it. Not even turning this into a "we're going to have to put our opponent down like they do to Ol' Yeller" offers a shred of help, because then it implies your opponent has rabies, and even football players know this is a bad, bad thing. (Unless they're defensive tackles, and even then saying "DOG BITE FOAMY OWIE SHOT CRAZY" should do the trick.)
1. Blue Velvet. The only possible positives of exposing a group of young men to Blue Velvet before a game would be filling the room with weapons-grade hallucinogenic gas, strapping them to their chairs, hiring animal control men in gas masks to patrol the room randomly shocking players with cattle prods, and then unleashing them on the field below. They might start attacking the crowd, but at least something is going to happen. It would be the only hope of anything positive coming out of this, as they'll be just as damaged as we were from watching it at the age of 13 and buying gas masks for unspeakable purposes afterward. (Those poor, poor women.)
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Any Austenesque period piece, with the future exception of Pride and Predator.
by Zord on Mar 4, 2009 12:03 PM EST reply actions
Love in the time of Cholera
could end up making your offensive line run into the ocean like lemmings
by DrB on Mar 4, 2009 12:11 PM EST reply actions
“The Fountain.” They’ll be asking each other why there weren’t more awesome Aztec/conquistador battle scenes and wishing majoring in “Football” included classes on various strains of Buddhist thought.
by robert on Mar 4, 2009 12:16 PM EST reply actions
Unfortunately the movie probably won’t come close to the awesomeness of the concept.
by Zord on Mar 4, 2009 12:17 PM EST reply actions
Oh, that’s just one part of the period-horror mayhem.
Jane Austen would be rolling over in her grave…
http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347
And there’s a movie deal forthcoming!
by KYGator on Mar 4, 2009 12:19 PM EST reply actions
Me: so, what did you think about the movie?
Anyone: I didn’t really care for the sense of pacing, scale, acting or suspicion of fascistic undertones
Me: you’re a douche.
by Kecalf Bailey on Mar 4, 2009 12:25 PM EST reply actions
peter greenaway’s prospero’s books (slightly nsfw)
by kleph on Mar 4, 2009 12:37 PM EST reply actions
Gerry. It’s a Gus Van Sant movie with Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. There is nothing that cause EPIC FAIL more than this movie. Nothing.
WARNING: If you watch this movie and actually make it to the end, you will want to take alot of pills, or perhaps you will want the hot death as fast as possible.
by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 4, 2009 12:42 PM EST reply actions
About 7-8 years ago, I was on a transatlantic flight that was going to show The Perfect Storm. We hit real bad turbulence for 30 minutes just before it was going to start and were treated to reruns of Roseanne. No explanation was given.
Brokeback Mountain. That alone would induce 98% of the team to transfer immediately. And I wouldn’t play “drop the soap” around the 2% who stayed.
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 4, 2009 12:50 PM EST reply actions
Also on the not-recommended list: Mulholland Drive.
Your players would lay awake all night trying to figure out what the hell they just watched.
by CincySooner on Mar 4, 2009 12:53 PM EST reply actions
Odds the “unnamed blogger” is Hinton?
100%
by 4.0 Point Stance on Mar 4, 2009 1:28 PM EST reply actions
Brian’s Song: Not only does Brian Picollo die, you’ll never be as good as Gayle Sayers.
Alternately, a surprisingly good pick? Baz Lurhman’s “Romeo and Juliet.” I wanted to destroy everything in the entire world after sitting through that godawful film.
by Harris on Mar 4, 2009 1:42 PM EST reply actions
Let’s be honest here, any David Lynch work could be used for #1. The resulting conversations in the huddle would be priceless, though.
“So when he woke up, was he actually a different person, or not?”
“I don’t know, just make sure to block that linebacker…and so that was never a real baby in there, right?
by jakldawg on Mar 4, 2009 1:53 PM EST reply actions
On the other hand, screaming “I’ll fuck anything that moves!” after the hallucinogenic gas would probably get a number of coaches pretty darn fired up.
by OhioDawg on Mar 4, 2009 1:54 PM EST reply actions
The English Patient…….Sitting through that marathon length mess of a movie will leave your team as exhausted as if they had just finished running an actual marathon. It’ll also turn their brains to mush.
by mhentz on Mar 4, 2009 1:59 PM EST reply actions
“All Quiet on the Western Front”
Imagine what this movie would suggest if you played it before the first game of the season:
Everyone is behind you, you are going to go 12-0 and win the SEC Championship. You win the first 3 games, everything is wonderful. Then, you face LSU on the road, and lose a tough one. Ouch. You then win you next 4 games, but none by any large margins. Then, you inexplicably lose to Ole Miss. You are heartbroken. Thankfully, you have a bye the next week. You try to socialize with your non-football friends, but not only do they not understand you, they revile you for losing to Ole Miss. Thankfully, you return to the security of the football team on Sunday afternoon. Everything seems better, although you have now lost two games and the prospects of playing in the SEC championship seem slim. But its still possible. The next week, you play a cupcake in a homecoming game. On a routine slant route, you reach out a little far for the pass, but hey, these guys are not tough. Suddenly, a sharp pain flashes white before your eyes, and you go down with a career ending injury. Fin.
by CrimsonCommodore on Mar 4, 2009 2:00 PM EST reply actions
Steel magnolias. Just thinking about it makzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
by Big Jon on Mar 4, 2009 2:57 PM EST reply actions
A personal favorite of Kiffins:
Howard the Duck
by tidefan44 on Mar 4, 2009 3:21 PM EST reply actions
Dune. “What the fuck did coach just make us watch?”. “I don’t know, but that worm thing kinda looks like charlie weiss.”
by dawg 05 on Mar 4, 2009 3:32 PM EST reply actions
Hotel Rwanda
I shamelessly hooked up with a girl while watching this. Sadly, the climax of the movie was more uplifting
by dwill on Mar 4, 2009 4:51 PM EST reply actions
Howard the Duck +1.
worst movie of all time.
by Hook'em Tide on Mar 4, 2009 5:15 PM EST reply actions
Leaving Las Vegas, Gummo, or The Rabbit Test would instantly implode any team, without a doubt.
BASEketball would be a runner up, except I found the getting a 8yr old drunk before surgery with Tequila shots pretty funny.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Mar 4, 2009 5:37 PM EST reply actions
Howard the Duck would be Oscar worthy over this movie.
And seriously, Gerry. I fucking dare anyone to watch the entire thing. You’ll never complain about how crappy The English Patient is again.
by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 4, 2009 5:40 PM EST reply actions
I can’t believe I’m only the 2nd guy to mention Brian’s Song. If you want a surefire way to see 85 guys start crying like a four year old watching “Old Yeller”, just play that.
Shit, I can hardly think about that movie without getting a little wet around the eyes.
by El Kabong!!! on Mar 4, 2009 5:47 PM EST reply actions
@#32:
Ah, the first MST 3000 film reference…And I say “Mitchell” was worse.
by robert on Mar 4, 2009 7:58 PM EST reply actions
Most Westerns by Anthony Mann. They’re about 95% brilliant psychoanalytic breakdown of violent men, 5% actual violence.
by This Guy on Mar 4, 2009 10:25 PM EST reply actions
Jacob’s Ladder. Horribly anticlimactic with a muddling plot, it only leads to annoyance. Not anger, mind you, something that could be useful in a game, but just annoyance. Also, the ending claim that a gas known for its sedative qualities was secretly used by the military to induce berserker-like rages is just mind-bogglingly stupid.
On a side note, I’d love for a team to replace their usual cadence with a series of Frank Booth quotes. It would hide the snap count AND serve as trash talk (“DON’T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME”)!
by Publius on Mar 4, 2009 10:42 PM EST reply actions
I’d also like to add American History X.
Yay, racial reconciliation! Everything will be ok! Even though Ed Norton got butt fucked, it all is going to work it self out and they’ve learned from their mistakes WHATTHEFUCKTHEYSHOTTHEKID!!!!!
by JimHalpert on Mar 4, 2009 11:26 PM EST reply actions
P.S. I Love You. Yeah, I said it. I’m useless after watching it.
by spartanmike on Mar 5, 2009 8:36 AM EST reply actions
@34 I see your Mitchell and raise you Zaat.
by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 5, 2009 10:52 AM EST reply actions
Midnight Express. Love in a Turkish prison…GATA!
by Dawglicious on Mar 5, 2009 11:40 AM EST reply actions
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