FULMER CUPDATE, 3/2/2009: SNOW DAY FREAKOUTS

by Orson on Mar 2, 2009 11:12 AM EST

The weather and cabin fever prior to spring practice can only be blamed for the psychobilly freakout that occurred this weekend in an active Fulmer Cup scoring session. The Big Board is updated and brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson.

Incidents, clarifications, and rank inaccuracies follow the board.

Ryan Mallett learns the Arkansas qb playbook. The Matt Jones one, to be specific. Ryan Mallett takes an epic mugshot in his arrest for public intoxication in Fayetteville this weekend, earns Arkansas two points on the Big Board, and gives Michigan fans further reason to crow that losing the blue-chip wunderkind was no real loss, after all, as he's the kind of guy who will smirk but not outright smile during his mugshot. (The smile indicates you're just insane; the smirk implies 'smug.') Bobby Petrino responded by interviewing for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders' head coaching position. (Score equals one point for public intox, and one bonus point for the mugshot mugging.)

I thought those Shirley Temples tasted odd. Shaun Prater could have given Iowa a mere two points for an OWI on Sunday, but he insisted on chatting with policemen, and chatting with policemen means they start writing the stupid things you're saying down, and then they end up on the internet for all to see.

(There's a cheaper way of doing this, and it's called blogging.) When Prater blew a .134, he responded with this perfectly understandable explanation:

Prater told police his bartender must have put alcohol in his Coca-Cola, the report said.

That earns him a bonus point for style, and gives Iowa a grand total of three points in the Fulmer Cup. It also marks another sign that the cosmos is working on fresh batteries, as a Fulmer Cup without Iowa is like an orgy without the sad fat guy in the corner that no one will so much as fondle.

Buck-high. Two Ohio State linemen get nabbed with "drug paraphernalia" in their car, a tantalizing charge since we'd love to see the broad definition of what qualifies as "drug paraphernalia" in the eyes of Ohio State campus police: Visine, a reading list from an English major's classes, a sleeveless t-shirt, or anything else subversive you'd like to go ahead and tell us you have in the car, hippie. Each count gets a point, giving Ohio State two points in the Fulmer Cup and insuring that Ohio State never gets on the board for anything but minor marijuana offenses in the contest for the third year running.

Nebraska won't make the big board for this, but TE Ben Cotton was cited for having a piddling .085 BAC in a dorm this weekend. That is enough for a single point, not enough to make the board, and certainly more than enough to get at least one coach on his ass in an unholy manner in spring drills. His father, Barney Cotton, is the Cornhuskers' current offensive line coach, and owner of a striking lipstripe .

USF: Even Our Film Guy Is Leavitt-Intense. USF's film guy may be charged in an alleged scuffle with a student. No points awarded, but we point this out just to show that if you're going to work for Jim Leavitt, you've got to be ready to strike at any moment at any time for any reason. (Perhaps a reason they're having difficulty filling the defensive coordinator position: there are so few DCs with cross-disciplinary experience in Muay Thai, Jiu-Jitsu, and Greco-Roman wrestling.)

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Comments

Think you lost a 0 in that BAC, there. I say if he could have a .85 BAC, then Nebraska should get a future pass on account of badassery.

by I'm A Lasagna Hog on Mar 2, 2009 11:21 AM EST reply actions

Again, how does Florida have 4 points? Carl Johnson only accounts for 2.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 2, 2009 11:22 AM EST reply actions

Carl Johnson’s score is in error, and should read a two.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 2, 2009 11:23 AM EST reply actions

When I was in college I too got into a scuffle with the football film manager. He was trying to film me violating a goat at the Opelika Farmer’s Co-Op. It was part of my fraternity hazing. But like most students at that school I grew to enjoy it.

by yellawood on Mar 2, 2009 11:26 AM EST reply actions

USF hasn’t found a DC yet because of a clause in the contract that states: If you look for another job, you have to fight Jim, to the death, naked in the Octagon.

by The Bull on Mar 2, 2009 11:27 AM EST reply actions

Uh, Orson. A .85 would mean that you’re dead and embalmed. I think you misplaced a zero..as in .085.

by hobeg8r on Mar 2, 2009 11:28 AM EST reply actions

Whoa, Iowa and Illinois looking to be a shootout… should be interesting… you know in Iowa City, the troops get restless because of the impending spring sunshine and the coeds in bikinis… they need to drink to forget these things

by The Holy Grail on Mar 2, 2009 11:39 AM EST reply actions

I have Iowa running away with it. You cant spell Iowa without O-W-I!

GO Eastern Iowa Skycarp. MAKE THE STATE PROUD.

by cyclonestate on Mar 2, 2009 11:43 AM EST reply actions

“or anything else subversive youd like to go ahead and tell us you have in the car, hippie.”

seriously, have you ever known anyone who owns an Umphrey’s McGee live CD who wasn’t guilty of something?

by MaconDawg on Mar 2, 2009 11:43 AM EST reply actions

GO Big Red.
http://www.omaha.com/index.php?u_page=3918&u_sid=10575885

by Middle America on Mar 2, 2009 11:47 AM EST reply actions

Probably the same look he had after his little sideline stunt last year against UF. I expect Mallett to be punished more than any QB the Gators face this season, and I, for one, look forward to it.

by NativeSon on Mar 2, 2009 11:55 AM EST reply actions

I just want to feel loved!

by Sad Fat Guy on Mar 2, 2009 12:30 PM EST reply actions

Don’t forget the trespassing charge for Cotton. Worth another point, methinks?

by D'Brickashaw on Mar 2, 2009 12:39 PM EST reply actions

Sleeveless t-shirts are far from subversive in C-bus. In fact, Subcommandante Wayne tells me that he even has a sleeveless dress shirt for weddings and funerals.

by Double Eagle on Mar 2, 2009 12:42 PM EST reply actions

Oh the ole alcohol in the coke trick! I hate it when my bartender does that!

by BurritoBrosShits on Mar 2, 2009 1:02 PM EST reply actions

“…must have put alcohol in his Coca-Cola.” Priceless. I should have thought of that back in 1983.

by yoyofutbawl on Mar 2, 2009 1:11 PM EST reply actions

Hate to crash the party, but 1 of the 2 “possession of drug paraphernalia” charges was just dropped – the other one should fall off by the end of the week.

http://www.cleveland.com/buckeyeblog/index.ssf/2009/03/ohio_state_football_adams_drug.html

by TAFKastOSUB on Mar 2, 2009 1:35 PM EST reply actions

I guess we are supposed to believe he used that pipe for smoking tobacco. Samuel Clemens would be proud.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 2, 2009 1:44 PM EST reply actions

Iowa won’t score anything worse than a couple drinking related crimes.

As long as there is no rape or credit card fraud involved I consider it a win.

I think Iowa just needs to hire Penn State’s press agent. They do a pretty good job of not getting the 47 arrests in the past two years mentioned other than on fine sporting blogs such as this.

by Mike Jones on Mar 2, 2009 2:22 PM EST reply actions

As a Georgia guy, I wonder if speaking about our absence on the board is akin to talking about a no-hitter.

I guess we’ll find out.

by Jason on Mar 2, 2009 2:58 PM EST reply actions

@20
C’mon, Jason. You know your boys don’t git warmed up ’til May or so. Summertime is Prime Time!

by NativeSon on Mar 2, 2009 3:36 PM EST reply actions

I’m curious as to who administered the “voluntary” drug test the OSU fellas took. I’m sure it was given by somebody reliable (Shugarts gave Adams his and vice versa) and I’m sure it wasnt diluted by a detox drink as well!! Its a shame fine young athletes at such a clean-run program can’t smoke a tobacco pipe in peace.

Please note the HEAVY sarcasm

by Sweater Vest Hata on Mar 2, 2009 3:55 PM EST reply actions

@ 21. True. That’s when they get out their scooters. The damned scooters.

by Jason on Mar 2, 2009 4:16 PM EST reply actions

Also the pipe was tested, by the cops, and was found to not have any drug residue

by Gobrutus on Mar 2, 2009 11:51 PM EST reply actions

I’m beginning to wonder about my beloved bulldawgs as well, no way we can keep this shutout going, somebodies got to bust out with a scooter violation or destroy some hospital property, has Preacherman Richt finally converted the masses?

by Snoop Dawgy Dawg on Mar 2, 2009 11:59 PM EST reply actions