MIAMI QB RIDES FISH AND WAFFLES TO POUNDS OF VICTORY

by Orson on Feb 26, 2009 11:20 AM EST

Jacory Harris of Miami is trying to gain weight the old-fashioned way: by eating himself into a clammy, gibbering stupor at "MLK Restaurant Proudly Specializing in Home Cooked Meals" in Miami. Put down your drool guards, fat guys, because we're about to reprint quality food porn that is the culinary equivalent of watching vintage Swedish adult film through the scrambled lines of cheap eighties cable.

One glance at the menu backs up the slogan. Fried chicken and smothered chicken wings. Pan Sausage. Liver and grits. It's all food, as one of your older relatives likes to say, that "sticks to your ribs.

I want an extra waffle THIS big.

Goddamn, that sounds good--even the liver and grits, which for some reason would be delicious in Miami, since for some reason anyone from Miami has the ability to competently prepare the filter-gland and make it taste way better than a body's version of an air-filter has a right to taste.

It would sound a lot better if whole pieces of it didn't bypass the digestive system entirely and take up residency in your colon, brain, and aorta, but who the fuck cares: you have to die someday, and doing that without completely wearing out the warranty on the equipment makes as much sense as letting your car die from old age and not from being wrapped around a telephone pole in a fiery 80 mile police chase. Harris is pounding the fish platter and extra waffle to bulk up, as qbs are following the over all trend of getting larger to absorb the pounding they're taking from the even more swollen likes of linebackers and defensive linemen.

(Willy Korn is the heaviest qb in the ACC at 220, but 30 pounds of that is his cock, because Willy Korn is awesome because his name is Willy Korn, and saying his name in a mantra-like fashion has POWERS.)

He may have to take more of that, too. Miami wants a more "pro-style" feel, which by definition means more formations and more concussions for the quarterback, fewer points, and a vanilla playbook camouflaged with a zillion shifts and one yard runs on first down.

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Since they are scheduled to play my Buckeyes in 2010 & 2011, I am hoping they can at least be a competent foe so they can help our SOS. Not good enough to beat us, but to win enough games to appear formidable. Something tells me the will remain middling, despite a wealth of talent, wasting away in the heat.

by Crabapple Buck on Feb 26, 2009 11:36 AM EST reply actions

Yall are making it tough on Willy, he’s got hos all over his jock already.

by DrB on Feb 26, 2009 11:51 AM EST reply actions

Waffle order, or a sign to his agent to sidle up to the scout in the crowd from DaU?

by OhioDawg on Feb 26, 2009 11:53 AM EST reply actions

liver and grits. soul food foi gras.

by kleph on Feb 26, 2009 11:56 AM EST reply actions

Damn, I haven’t had liver and grits in a while. A breakfast like that will put your ass to sleep for a good part of the day.

by BurritoBrosShits on Feb 26, 2009 12:02 PM EST reply actions

If they want a fat QB for a pro-style offense, maybe Rohan Davey has a little, er, younger brother? Preferably the one not involved in a Nigerian bank scam.

by GamecockTony on Feb 26, 2009 12:03 PM EST reply actions

That’s the most unpleasantly accurate description of the “pro-style” offense I’ve ever read.

Jimmah!

by Irish09 on Feb 26, 2009 12:07 PM EST reply actions

Nothing like a 3 hour lunch pilgramage then a semi conscious afternoon on the couch with a food induced coma. College, I miss you.

by majors on Feb 26, 2009 12:08 PM EST reply actions

I believe “pro-style feel” also requires variants of “Hide your eyes, Kevin Gilbride just called another 4 yard hook on third and 8.” Miami fans should consult 2008 film of Tennessee for patent infringement of this maneuver by Dave Clawson.

There again, 2008 Miami film confirms the Hurcs were already doing this, so I’m not sure any real changes will be necessary.

by Counter Trap on Feb 26, 2009 12:12 PM EST reply actions

Pro-style’s idea of perplexing the opposition is to throw on first down. Or to run a draw on 3rd and 8, which works about 1 in 10 times.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 26, 2009 12:32 PM EST reply actions

A pro-style offense has got to be a step up from Patrick Nix’s special box of chocolates.

by GTFridge on Feb 26, 2009 12:33 PM EST reply actions

which works about 1 in 10 times*

*If you’re not Tim Tebow.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 26, 2009 12:38 PM EST reply actions

I’ve eaten liver once in Miami. Managed to swallow only a few bites before I threw up on the table. Nasty, NASTY shit. It was prepared by a Jamaican lady… if that makes a difference.

by Sue E. Pig on Feb 26, 2009 1:06 PM EST reply actions

As Holly can attest (surely?) the local joint in LA is known as Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles.

http://www.roscoeschickenandwaffles.com/

It could surely turn a skinny emu looking kid into JaMarcus Russel in no time. Maybe this is why Jimmy Clausen fled to Notre Dame?

by dogtown gator on Feb 26, 2009 1:17 PM EST reply actions

“more formations and more concussions for the quarterback, fewer points, and a vanilla playbook camouflaged with a zillion shifts and one yard runs on first down.”

AKA tOSU’s offense (in any year w/out Troy Smith).

by Dawg on Feb 26, 2009 1:23 PM EST reply actions

So does the extra free waffle the proprietor adds to his meals to help him gain weight make that an “extra benefit” for the athlete, thus threatening to bring down the entire U athletic program?

by JTG on Feb 26, 2009 4:24 PM EST reply actions