Orson Charles says he’s not coming to Florida. Fuck all y’all. We’re outta here.

Charles has narrowed his list to Georgia, USC, or Tennessee, who’s busy shuffling deck chairs around to clear obvious and glaring space for Charles. Best of luck, Orson. WE COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING, DAMMIT. Consolation will come with all that NASA money we’re stealing, or via the pride we feel in Gainesville’s diligent and extremely observant parking police.

BWHAAHAHAHAHA. The anticipated early leader for the Tennessee starting spot is Jonathan Crompton. We fully support this decision, as Crompton’s talent hasn’t been fully utilized at Tennessee yet, and will require him throwing no fewer than 45 times a game for Tennessee to win. Hear us clearly: no less than 45 times. Anything less would be cheating him, really.

Iowa gets 4% less interestingly spelled. Defensive backs Diaunte Morrow and Lance Tillison are transferring from Iowa.

Just what you want to hear: Auburn’s qb competition is wide, wide, wide open, and Kodi Burns will not be the automatic starter. We recommend just flipping them around for a whole season in a new offense and seeing what happens.

Alcoholic Blasphemy. Well, Maker’s is expensive anyway, and given the Michigan economy it’s probably a good idea to bump the whiskey budget down a notch anyway, even if drinking away 2008 hasn’t quite happened yet.