In our focus on offseason conditioning around college football, we present Colorado’s infamous “Jack Palance 13,” a series of grueling workouts named after a baker’s dozen of Dan Hawkins’ favorite Western actor’s movies.

Bloody Avenger Players scale a forty foot-tall pile of shale while towing another player behind them on a shock cord wrapped around their wrists . The prone player must visualize victory while refusing to bleed. Repeat until blood loss becomes unsustainable and constant.

Grrrrr. Training with the Hawk.

The Last Contract. Players bear crawl a path in the shape of the word “victory” with a pair of eighty pound kettlebells. Victory is to be sprayed across football field in letters covering the area from the ten yard line to the opposite ten yard line. After the five minute mark, the path is set alight to provide additional motivation.

Unknown Powers: Everyone leaves the practice facility, running in different directions, and must kill the first animal larger than their hand they encounter and return wearing its skin.

Alone in the Dark: Players invited to game of “seven minute ” with comely coeds. When invited to closet, their attractive counterpart will disappear behind a hidden panel. An enraged Ralphie will be introduced in her place. All seven minutes must be completed to attain competency in the drill.

Sting of the West: Dan Hawkins put snakes in the locker room. You’ll never know how many or if you got them all out.

Hell’s Brigade: Dodgeball, but instead of kickballs, players use child volunteers from local Boulder schools.

I Died A Thousand Times. Players are invited to choose between another rep or the removal of a square inch of skin from their torsos.

Sudden Fear. Players are secretly fed powerful laxatives at lunchtime training table and immediately outfitted in white pants. Series begin with heavy squat cleans starting from floor.

One Man Jury: Benching Dan Hawkins. And not like Dan Hawkins benched Cody Hawkins.

Torture Garden: Mental agility drill. Players must assault and subdue a privet shrub before it attacks an innocent bystander. But privet shrubs can’t walk or attack you say? OR CAN THEY? [/mindblown]

Deadly Sanctuary: Navigating a snowbound obstacle course while avoiding ruler shots from a crack team of nuns and librarians.

Craze: Less of a drill, and more of a hip but still unpretentious eatery bringing Boulder the latest in Nouveau American/Asian fusion cuisine. Join us for Trivia Thursdays and win a fifty dollar gift certificate!

Welcome To Blood City: Mat drills alternating between four separate stations: Burning Coals Mat, Broken Glass Mat, Rusty Nails Mat, and Bees Mat.

The Final Assault A five round man-maker designed to test an athlete’s very limits.

15 reps, 185 pound Heavy Snatch (no giggling)

100 m sprint (backwards as a Kierkegaardian metaphor for life)

12 reps heavy deadlift (weight determined by application of the I-Ching)

200 m uphill astral sprint. If one cannot sprint on the astral plane, you may substitute a 400 m deeply meditative but energetic sprint.

10 reps back squat (pause at bottom to consider fragility of life and enduring, indestructible power of positivity)

HT: Hinton.