For just $35, you and your loved ones can get your faces rocked off by the Dark Lord of Rock himself: NICK SABAN. That's only a dollar per soul-scorching glare! Or fifty cents per use of the word "process!"

The Crimson Caravan Tour will hit all of the top spots, of course: Bimini, Ibiza, Davos, Yalta. Just kidding: they'll be traipsing through the very dark heart of Trucksylvania itself: Mobile, Panama City, Birmingham, Montgomery, and Atlanta, where Saban and Three Doors Down will treat the Gwinnett Arena to an evening of conditioning drills and songs for guys with goatees and tribal armband tattoos.

Dress is business casual. As for the definition of that...

...why, yes sir! That's exactly what we meant by "business casual." See you there!