FULMER CUPDATE: FLORIDA, UVA, AND WAZZOU ALL MAKE THE BOARD

by Orson on Feb 24, 2009 12:27 PM EST

The Big Board is presented this week by Hosea Williams Bail Bonding: Still Settin' 'Em Free after All These Years. Conveniently located at the Garnett MARTA station and adjacent to the Dekalb County Jail on Memorial Drive. Bond on Tuesdays is still half-off for first-timers!

Presented as always by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson.

(Board will go here. In the meantime, why not pay a visit to the Old Saloon?)

Biting is considered affectionate where I come from. That place? Abuseton, Texas. Florida lineman Carl Johnson is in court today regarding a petition from his former girlfriend, whose restraining order was violated last week on a bus, leading to a Johnson arrest, the awarding of two solid Fulmer Cup points, and many more charges/points if Johnson did indeed "shake, bite, and hit" his accuser. At this point it appears to be an "it said, she said"* case, and my, aren't those legal fun for the whole family. ("He raped me repeatedly, but I have no evidence." "No, I didn't." Judge: "Well, okay then." [/stares into void of proper action])

Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way... to say "Merry Christmas, you're being sexually assaulted and attacked by a Warrior football player." Jo Pierre Davis, a cornerback for UH, was arrested and charged with sex assault, assault, and burglary in two incidentsinvolving the same woman in both instances. We tentatively award Davis both the early status as frontrunner for the Ellis T. Jones Award for individual achievement and a sum of nine points for at least three felony charges (if not more, pending additional charges.) We may award further points for Davis reinforcing our stereotype of Hawaii as a beautiful tropical facade underpinned by a never-ceasing underworld of killers, thugs, rapists, con artists, and mulleted men pepper-spraying them into submission. (Brah.)

Thrown out, and not just for illegally sensuous dancing. UVA football players Corey Mosely and Amad Wolcott earned UVA two points (one point each) for teaching white girls the secrets of hip-hop dance, opening their hearts, and helping them get over the deaths of their mothers on the way to their dance recitals. Julia Stiles can jam, y'all! Get your overbite on!

Bringing meat to the jackals in grand style. Wazzou would get just one here, but falling asleep in the parking lot of a police station as a minor in possession demands a bonus point for style. That's Paul Gascoigne, Nick Nolte-level flair there.

Really, if true, Carl Johnson goes to "it" status and loses personal pronoun status.

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FYI, Its Corey Mosley, not Anthony Mosley. And while these are only minor acts, this clearly demonstrates that Virginia IS NOT a one year wonder when it comes to the Fulmer Cup race.

by Big Ern on Feb 24, 2009 12:31 PM EST reply actions

And as noted yesterday in this story, [Lobbestael] was slumped over with a grocery bag of vomit between his feet.

Underage, at the police station with a grocery bag of vomit at your feet. Kudos to you sir.

And Julia Stiles is proof positive that even with marginal looks and even less marginal talent, you too can make it in movies. Huzzah.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 24, 2009 12:45 PM EST reply actions

If you grew up watching Hawaii Five-O as I did, then you would know that it is indeed filled with the meanies you mentioned. All we need is a connection to Wo Fat and then McGarrett can tell Dano to book em’.

by Crabapple Buck on Feb 24, 2009 12:56 PM EST reply actions

I’d like to think Lobbestael (wtf on the spelling!) had gone to the police station to do the right thing and give the young lady a ride home.

Anyway, I remember how the grain alcohol punch served in garbage cans had a real kick, even though I COULD HARDLY TASTE THE ALCOHOL IN THIS THING.

by OhioDawg on Feb 24, 2009 12:56 PM EST reply actions

Crabapple -

I’m a child of the 80s so I remember Magnum P.I. … which means it’s probably even worse there than you remember.

Hell, even the Brady Bunch ran into some trouble when they took their vacation there.

by JD on Feb 24, 2009 1:04 PM EST reply actions

WHEN ARE YOU AZZ HOLES GOING TO POST ABOUT CARL JOHNSON STOP HIDING YOU’RE THUG PROGRAMS THUGS THUGGY ARP

by Holly on Feb 24, 2009 1:08 PM EST reply actions

I think Carl’s matter has been thrown out as 1) he didn’t know she had a restraining order against him, 2) he didn’t know she was on the bus, 3) he got off the bus and went straight into his class, still without knowledge of her presence. I mean even a judge has to have some sense of mens rea…to say nothing of notice.

So, does this render less solid the current Florida Fulmer Cup points? And de-“it”-ify Mr. Johnson, if it has indeed been thrown out? Or do we just save the points on the board for when someone else does something stupid?

by sb on Feb 24, 2009 1:10 PM EST reply actions

Nice Gazza reference!

by Lawrence on Feb 24, 2009 1:11 PM EST reply actions

“Grocery bag of vomit at his feet”? I don’t know if I blame Loebbestael for drinking — if that’s the kind of lunch his mother is sending him off to school with, he clearly has the kind of home life that merits a little escape from reality.

by Doug on Feb 24, 2009 1:55 PM EST reply actions

Plastic, not paper.

by Wozzo the Wonder Dog on Feb 24, 2009 2:08 PM EST reply actions

“There he drank from the minibar and he became fixated with the Nintendo Wii game which he played constantly. He would even call up room service so that he could have someone to play against.”

This is actually kinda tame for Gazza.

by Raider Red on Feb 24, 2009 2:09 PM EST reply actions

We see nothing wrong with buying drinks for parrots, toy or otherwise.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 24, 2009 2:11 PM EST reply actions

Actually, O…Carl was not in court today. The hearing to have the temporary restraining order (issued without any testimony from anyone) become a permanent restraining order (where there would be actual testimony before a judge) was continued to April (at the request of the Petitioner).

by hobeg8r on Feb 24, 2009 2:37 PM EST reply actions

Thanks, hobe.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 24, 2009 2:39 PM EST reply actions

hobe…just beat me to it.

by sb on Feb 24, 2009 2:43 PM EST reply actions

“Jo Pierre Davis, a cornerback for UH, was arrested and charged with sex assault, assault, and burglary in two incidentsinvolving the same woman in both instances.”

Is the burglary charge tacked on for stealing her innocence?

/calm down, lawyas. I know what burglary actually consists of.

by GamecockTony on Feb 24, 2009 2:43 PM EST reply actions

Note, friends, that the banner ad at the top of the page linked to in the UVA item states “Now on the air: Coy Barefoot.” Now there’s a name. Indian maiden sneaking stealthily through the woods?

by DolichVespula on Feb 24, 2009 4:28 PM EST reply actions