THE EDSBS OSCARS 2009

by Orson on Feb 23, 2009 3:57 PM EST

edsbs_oscar

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Sarah Jessica Parker Tripp Thornton Oh God Why The Fuck Do Southern Bourgeoisie Insist On Giving Their Children Eight Thousand Names John Parker Wilson. Naked, exposed, and vulnerable: all the things an actor fears, but must embrace in a role. In him, we see our own demise, but gorier and more painful than could possibly be imagined.

Best Animated Short. Jeff Demps in Le Waterbug.

Best Animated Feature Film. Mack Brown's All-Singing, All-Dancing, All-Shillling Extravaganza, playing for two straight months in December and January to sold-out audiences on ESPN, with a cast of thousands of shrieking wronged Texas fans.

Best Performance By An Actor in a Supporting Role. Percy Harvin in Braveheart Two (You Can Rip Out My Intestines But That Just Makes Me Faster, Fuckers.)

Best Score. Ohio State fanbase and the original compositions "Screams," "Screams Again," and "Continued Din of Communal Screaming Ending in Silent Weeping (aka "Boeckman's Theme").

Best Visual Effects. Knowshon Moreno in Die Hard 5 Splayed Out In Midair (But Still Lost To Georgia Tech).

Foreign Language Film - Bowl Winner Notre Dame. Critics say: ACCLAIMED! BELOVED! INCOMPREHENISIBLE!

Best Director: Jeremiah Masoli for the production Sit, Bitch.

Best Documentary Short: My Football Career, By Jonathan Crompton.

Best Makeup: Texas Tech's Brandon Carter in his stirring role in Attention Whore.

Achievement in Sound Editing: Eric Berry in the zany musical "You Didn't Need Math and Empathy, Anyway."

Best Actor in a Leading Role Bill Stewart in I Am A Division I Football Coach.

Best Documentary Feature. The Sun Bowl. Irrefutable proof that documentaries are boring.

Best Achievement in Editing. ESPN, who artfully used the 7 second delay to edit out numerous ethnic slurs, profanities, and incoherent tics from the speech of Lou Holtz, who appeared to be only a borderline personality not in fact kept tied to his desk and at arm's length from his fellow hosts with a webbing of leather restraints. (Also nominated for visual effects.)

Best art direction. The surreal artwork and ghostly minimalism of the Michigan offense.

Best Screenplay Based On Actual Material. Andre Smith's It Had Nothing To Do With An Agent, Y'all!

Best Screenplay, Fiction. Collected college football writers of the universe for Georgia: 2008 MNC Champions With Ease And Flair.

Best Picture of the Year. Slumdog Millionaire, by Houston Nutt.

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also nominated for best director: darren evans in the feature length production of “human wrecking ball”.

trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVJY_1wU8Lo

by Ben on Feb 23, 2009 4:04 PM EST reply actions

All of these are still better than The Reader.

by Holly on Feb 23, 2009 4:08 PM EST reply actions

and Frost / Nixon, and Milk. And fuck Sean Penn. That is all.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 23, 2009 4:17 PM EST reply actions

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Tommy Tuberville in <Dude, Where’s My Offense?

by CincySooner on Feb 23, 2009 4:21 PM EST reply actions

Best Short Story:

Ima Be Here All Day starring Brandon Spikes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2b6UAYuI2o

by NativeSon on Feb 23, 2009 4:21 PM EST reply actions

Who’s had more work done, Mickey Rourke or Layla Kiffin?

by poguemahone on Feb 23, 2009 4:21 PM EST reply actions

As much fun as Mike Leach is, it was even more fun to see the Texas Tech o-line torn apart by Ole Miss. Brandon Carter has just GOT to be an asshole of colossal proportions.

by OhioDawg on Feb 23, 2009 4:27 PM EST reply actions

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: East Carolina Pirates. “Hey, remember us? We had fun on the animated blogpoll for a couple of . . . uhoh.”

by burgler on Feb 23, 2009 4:31 PM EST reply actions

Damn. I was SURE that Pete Carroll was going to win for best performance by an actor in a supporting role for his performance in the Sanchez press conference.

I guess there really is a west coast bias.

by hobeg8r on Feb 23, 2009 4:33 PM EST reply actions

If you’re gonna piggyback on my comment, son, don’t do it dissing Milk.

by Holly on Feb 23, 2009 4:37 PM EST reply actions

Best Costume – Coach Kiffykins dressing up and pretending to be a D 1 A coach.

by hobeg8r on Feb 23, 2009 4:42 PM EST reply actions

The Terminator “I’ll be back after I get dipped into a vat of molten metal that is the Sugar Bowl after getting too many Coach of the Year Awards Prematurely” Award-Nick Saban…..should have a decent enough defense to compete in a Field Goal tug of war vs conventional offenses of LSU and Ole Miss, if our offense can get past the fifty…….theirs wont be able to.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Feb 23, 2009 4:45 PM EST reply actions

Fine Holly. But Sean Penn is still a douchebag.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 23, 2009 5:02 PM EST reply actions

Haha, even tailgating has a spring season.

http://www.recsports.ufl.edu/cornhole_intramural_tournament.aspx

by Brian on Feb 23, 2009 5:20 PM EST reply actions

Duly noted, ace.

by Holly on Feb 23, 2009 5:21 PM EST reply actions

But who looked good on the red carpet?

by www.southbendblarney.com on Feb 23, 2009 5:26 PM EST reply actions

B.O.B.

FYI, you are not alone. At times, I wonder if there would be Oscar buzz around Judge Dread if the only difference in Stallone’s character was that he was gay.

But, hey, to each his own.

by meatybob on Feb 23, 2009 6:12 PM EST reply actions

As an Ole Miss fan, I don’t know whether to be proud or offended.

by JimHalpert on Feb 23, 2009 6:14 PM EST reply actions

I give you Exhibit 6,783,290(B) in the ongoing “Greg McElroy/Star Jackson/A.J. McCarron/The Left Rear Tire From That F-150 Over There will not be as good a QB as John Parker Wilson” debate.

In the negative, of course.

by Counter Trap on Feb 23, 2009 6:53 PM EST reply actions

I’m now going to have nightmares of Lou Holtz’ head on an Oscar statue. Thanks.

by WarCardinals on Feb 23, 2009 6:55 PM EST reply actions

How ’Bout This Award Dept:

The lardo-fatty-Beyonce-Award…
…goes to….

…Charlie Weis!

(could not resist…carry on…)

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Feb 23, 2009 8:09 PM EST reply actions

Pants:

You forgot to add, “We didn’t know they had Samoans!”

And something about a missing O-lineman.

by NRBQ on Feb 23, 2009 8:36 PM EST reply actions

Who says foreign film is inaccessible?

by Harris on Feb 23, 2009 9:27 PM EST reply actions

You could have at least put Erin Andrews or Tracy Wolfson’s head on the statue.

Best Fight (Weekly Serial): Mark May vs Lou Holtz

by jg on Feb 23, 2009 9:52 PM EST reply actions

Yeh the Samoan Mormon thing had me puzzled. Even Urban referenced that as a positive to coaching in Utah-the Polynesian Culture, as he put it. Thats kinda like something you dont see everyday, like a Cajun Muslim…..its odd, but not too far off you wouldnt believe it…..

And it looks to me that Andre Smith is ducking the Detroit Lions….maybe he will go to the Rams where he knows at least if due to a recession, that franchise will survive.
If the powers that be want to cut 2 teams, Detroit and Oakland would be liquidated pretty quicklike, especially if Ford Motors cant pull out of its nosedive…..

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Feb 23, 2009 11:29 PM EST reply actions

FC update:

Wazzu back on the board. Just a one pointer, but there might be a bonus point for carrying an unconscious woman and then getting busted for MIP at the police station.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 23, 2009 11:37 PM EST reply actions

Virginia getting in on the action too.

Another funny item from the Wazzu story - “He was slumped over [at the police station] with a grocery bag of vomit between his feet”. Definitely some bonus point material there.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 23, 2009 11:47 PM EST reply actions