THE EDSBS OSCARS 2009

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Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Sarah Jessica Parker Tripp Thornton Oh God Why The Fuck Do Southern Bourgeoisie Insist On Giving Their Children Eight Thousand Names John Parker Wilson. Naked, exposed, and vulnerable: all the things an actor fears, but must embrace in a role. In him, we see our own demise, but gorier and more painful than could possibly be imagined.

Best Animated Short. Jeff Demps in Le Waterbug.

Best Animated Feature Film. Mack Brown's All-Singing, All-Dancing, All-Shillling Extravaganza, playing for two straight months in December and January to sold-out audiences on ESPN, with a cast of thousands of shrieking wronged Texas fans.

Best Performance By An Actor in a Supporting Role. Percy Harvin in Braveheart Two (You Can Rip Out My Intestines But That Just Makes Me Faster, Fuckers.)

Best Score. Ohio State fanbase and the original compositions "Screams," "Screams Again," and "Continued Din of Communal Screaming Ending in Silent Weeping (aka "Boeckman's Theme").

Best Visual Effects. Knowshon Moreno in Die Hard 5 Splayed Out In Midair (But Still Lost To Georgia Tech).

Foreign Language Film - Bowl Winner Notre Dame. Critics say: ACCLAIMED! BELOVED! INCOMPREHENISIBLE!

Best Director: Jeremiah Masoli for the production Sit, Bitch.

Best Documentary Short: My Football Career, By Jonathan Crompton.

Best Makeup: Texas Tech's Brandon Carter in his stirring role in Attention Whore.

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Achievement in Sound Editing: Eric Berry in the zany musical "You Didn't Need Math and Empathy, Anyway."

Best Actor in a Leading Role Bill Stewart in I Am A Division I Football Coach.

Best Documentary Feature. The Sun Bowl. Irrefutable proof that documentaries are boring.

Best Achievement in Editing. ESPN, who artfully used the 7 second delay to edit out numerous ethnic slurs, profanities, and incoherent tics from the speech of Lou Holtz, who appeared to be only a borderline personality not in fact kept tied to his desk and at arm's length from his fellow hosts with a webbing of leather restraints. (Also nominated for visual effects.)

Best art direction. The surreal artwork and ghostly minimalism of the Michigan offense.

Best Screenplay Based On Actual Material. Andre Smith's It Had Nothing To Do With An Agent, Y'all!

Best Screenplay, Fiction. Collected college football writers of the universe for Georgia: 2008 MNC Champions With Ease And Flair.

Best Picture of the Year. Slumdog Millionaire, by Houston Nutt.

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