FULMER CUPDATE: MAKIN’ IT HAPPEN. LIKIN’ IT.
Mornin’ everyone. Feelin’ good. Lookin’ good. You know it. I know it. Charger the Golf Cart of Victory knows it.
Just got a text message from a recruit telling me I’m the sexiest coach. Might be gay. I don’t judge. Just likin’ the intensity. Get him in the program. Have him pick out some shades. Maybe class up the coaches’ uniforms a bit. We need some pizazz. Some action. More lightning bolts on the sleeves.
LIGHTNING BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLTS!!!
(Flexes, calls trick play for a turnover on first play of game.)
Likin’ the effort. Players goin’ all out. Like Josh Brent. Gettin’ a DUI. Happens. Got pulled over with suspended license. Why’s it suspended? Too busy hittin’ the weights. Hang cleanin’ hogs at the Ag building. Hang cleanin’ every day. Can’t file the paperwork because he can’t get full extension at all three points pushin’ paper. Likin’ it.
HAAAAAAAAANG CLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANS!!!
(Holds press conference with hair on fire. Insists hair is not on fire.)
That’s three points in the Fulmer Cup. Competin’. Scorin’. Three is more than two. Take two outta three and you get one. That’s Illini math. Winner’s math. Take one and divide it one. Guess what you got? That’s right. A winner. Every day, dividin’ one by one and getting one. Or eighth in the Big Ten. That’s one if you divide it by eight, which is really just a bunch a ones all stacked together. We get those sorted out and we’ll be good here at Illinoise. Gonna like it. Gonna compete.
COMPEEEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!
(Checks play card, gestures wildly, mismanages clock and allows time to expire on potential game-winning FG attempt.)
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1
Crabapple Buck says:
No, Orson’s not bitter. Not. At. All.
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
2
Orson Swindle says:
Never forget!
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
3
der schatten says:
3 > 2 ain’t just Illini math, nor winner math, it’s also Auburn-Miss. State math.
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:45 am
4
SCDawg says:
Orson, you’re positive you had no hand in fire[nameredacted].com?
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
5
Counter Trap says:
Huggy Bear wants his golf cart back.
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
6
zzgator says:
So you like that IKEA commercial, too…eh?
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
7
sb says:
There is nothing worse than incomplete-sentence conversation, of which [name redacted] is a master. Staccato bursts of verbal communication strung together to convey minimal meaning and less thought is the conversational equivalent of a hand-job from your pick-up at last call…you’d ask her to at least spit in her hand, but the distraction may prolong her efforts and thus your agony. Just sayin’…
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
8
GamecockTony says:
Not sure how much use I’ve seen of the “fucking liars” tag before.
It should definitely accompany any George O’Leary stories.
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
9
jj gator says:
“Sexiest coach”? Urban Meyer is sexy, moRon Zook is a dog, let alone an idiot and a loser. And that first play of 2009 won’t a “trick play”, mind you; likely it’s Zook standard-fare of either a shotgun draw or a bubble screen.
Otherwise, you have the Zooker down to a T. The biggest waster of talent – and time – in all of college football. Somebody who likes to think he’s a jack of all trades, but is clearly a master of none. Vintage Zooker who blows it out both sides of his ass.
(Hey, has he found the Pi Kapp house in Champaign yet?)
February 23rd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
10
wooderson says:
Charlie Weis is envious of that golf cart
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:44 pm
11
Scotty says:
Just hitting the gas pedal, but we just had no gas. No gas left.
I remember that glorious Miss St loss like yesterday, the only time I actually rooted for the Gators to lose. Shameful, but so necessary.
February 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm
12
Techie says:
I had thought the wounds had healed.
I thought wrong.
February 24th, 2009 at 9:21 am
13
2pac says:
Charlie Weis IS that golf cart.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:08 am