Chance Mock has all the timing. He came to Texas and lost the quarterback competition to Vince Young, who as Football Jesus ascended to the right hand of himself and won Texas a national title. Then, Chance Mock decided to go into finance just as shitty mortgage-backed securities and their subsequent implosion threaten to take us back to the barter age. What better time to dispense advice like “buy low, sell high,” and “stock up on ammunition, because when the mer-men escape from their capsules, their soggy vengeance will not be slaked even with rivers of human blood.” That last part is in there, but you have to read the subtitles very closely to see it.

Mock clearly oozes the confidence of a man with a deep understanding of chicken fingers high finance. Next stop: a chain of pager stores! This outfit we’ve heard of called Pajamas Media! Schmendemite: the extremely brittle building material/nutritional supplement made from equal parts asbestos, kitten paws, and radium! The resurrection of the giant shark! (HT: Daniel K, Holly.)