OT: TELL THAT WILDCAT BEHIND THE WHEEL NOT TO SLOW DOWN

I think any incident involving Sailor Jerry ends like this…or worse.

“When the vehicle was stopped, the woman asked, “So what’s that problem officer?”"

Thanks, I needed that.

The only thing that has ever come close to the edification one receives as the benefit of reading others’ arrest reports is the stupefecation one receives upon reading auto insurance claims forms.

Either repository of the human condition at its finest is a neverending source of amusement/amazement.

That article is chock-full of great one-liners…

In addition to the 3 noted by Holly and the one noted in #2.

While doing this, she took her foot off of the brake and began to move forward.

also…

The officer asked her if she thought she did not remember because she drank too much. The woman said, "Well yeah officer, isn’t that obvious?

The charge of “Extreme DUI” feels like it should be accompanied by explosion sound effects and and flashing lights every time the phrase is uttered.

I mean, this stuff is comedy gold:

“Police asked the woman if she had been drinking. She said, “OK officer, I’ll tell you the truth, yes I have been.”

and

“She did not remember passing out in the intersection or why her dress was up and her underwear pulled down. The officer asked her if she thought she did not remember because she drank too much. The woman said, “Well yeah officer, isn’t that obvious?”"

It’s probably for the best that the officer didn’t notice Carl Johnson sprinting away from the parked vehicle. What? Too soon?

My all-time favorite UT Crime Log item involved “A naked man in a tree outside Reese Hall, wearing a cowboy hat and doing things he shouldn’t be doing.”

I’m having way too much fun with this article.

Add your own unfairly creative excerpting and subtext for even more fun.

He saw the woman … with her dress pulled up to her stomach and her underwear pulled down to her mid-thighs … and introduced himself.

more unfairly creative excerpting

After about two minutes … Clint … left the scene.

My favorite line:
She said, “Look officer, I know I shouldn’t have drove home, but I didn’t have money for a cab; and I don’t trust anybody in my condition to drive me home, so I just decided to drive.”

Props all around for this. Holly for a brilliant “Speed” reference, and to the “accused” for being frighteningly honest. I bet the officer wins some sort of office pool for that.

If you ask me, I think the police should be questioning all SafeRide employees named Clint.

In Arizona the coach’s daughters are too drunk to tell ask you if you know who their Daddys are.

Its that damned Chipotle. Lord knows what the hell goes in that shit that makes people do shit like this.

Mom?

Daughter?

My favorite Line Dept:

She tells the fuzz, when they ask her a question:

 “Uh yeah, I’m coming back from the Slightly Stoopid concert.”

I would hate to think how wasted she would be if she was coming from the “Really Stoopid concert”….

@6

I sure don’t remember THAT part of GTA: San Andreas.

Holly: you owe me a new computer screen and keyboard at work… coffee all over both, co-workers wondering….

That one was pure gold… come on, who has not passed out at a stop light half-naked… isn’t that a requirement to be part of the Detroit Lions coaching staff?

Someone really needs to find the mug shot for this one…

Police Beat has always been greatness. I’m surprised this edition didn’t involve the usual creepy-dude-wanking-in-the-library story. (hence the name of the column)

Glorious. Should be framed and archived for posterity.

“Read my lips, Officer…I’m drunk!” hurhurhur

“Then she was released.” What the hell! Let a guy try blowing more than twice the legal blood alcohol level and see if he gets released. She probably slept on the lawn of the police station until daylight. I would have.

Upon opening the door, he saw a three-quarters-empty bottle of Sailor Jerry Navy Rum on the floorboard of the passenger side…then beside it was two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that she needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried her was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a college chick in the depths of an ether binge, and the cop knew she’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
Also,with a bit of luck, her life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of her favorite bars, men in red woolen TKE shirts are getting incredible kicks from things she’ll never know she actually did or even remember…..

@25

Ah…Fear and Loathing in Arizona…brilliant.