OT: TELL THAT WILDCAT BEHIND THE WHEEL NOT TO SLOW DOWN
Off-topic, but not far: The Arizona student paper has an arrest report in it that puts any Fulmer Cup contestant to shame. Some choice excerpts:
When police arrived, they saw a stopped, running car at a green light, facing eastbound on Speedway.When the officer approached the car, he saw the woman was asleep, with her dress pulled up to her stomach and her underwear pulled down to her mid-thighs.
[...]
Upon opening the door, he saw a three-quarters-empty bottle of Sailor Jerry Navy Rum on the floorboard of the passenger side.
[...]
After about two minutes of trying to wake her up, she awoke, saying, “No, Clint, not right now.”
Innumerable thanks to EDSBS lead counsel Ragin’ Cajun Rebel for passing this along.
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1
KRK says:
I think any incident involving Sailor Jerry ends like this…or worse.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
2
AERose says:
“When the vehicle was stopped, the woman asked, “So what’s that problem officer?”"
Thanks, I needed that.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
3
zzgator says:
The only thing that has ever come close to the edification one receives as the benefit of reading others’ arrest reports is the stupefecation one receives upon reading auto insurance claims forms.
Either repository of the human condition at its finest is a neverending source of amusement/amazement.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
4
CincySooner says:
That article is chock-full of great one-liners…
In addition to the 3 noted by Holly and the one noted in #2.
While doing this, she took her foot off of the brake and began to move forward.
also…
The officer asked her if she thought she did not remember because she drank too much. The woman said, “Well yeah officer, isn’t that obvious?
The charge of “Extreme DUI” feels like it should be accompanied by explosion sound effects and and flashing lights every time the phrase is uttered.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
5
JD4AU says:
I mean, this stuff is comedy gold:
“Police asked the woman if she had been drinking. She said, “OK officer, I’ll tell you the truth, yes I have been.”
and
“She did not remember passing out in the intersection or why her dress was up and her underwear pulled down. The officer asked her if she thought she did not remember because she drank too much. The woman said, “Well yeah officer, isn’t that obvious?”"
February 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
6
Jason says:
It’s probably for the best that the officer didn’t notice Carl Johnson sprinting away from the parked vehicle. What? Too soon?
February 18th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
7
Holly says:
My all-time favorite UT Crime Log item involved “A naked man in a tree outside Reese Hall, wearing a cowboy hat and doing things he shouldn’t be doing.”
February 18th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
8
CincySooner says:
I’m having way too much fun with this article.
Add your own unfairly creative excerpting and subtext for even more fun.
He saw the woman … with her dress pulled up to her stomach and her underwear pulled down to her mid-thighs … and introduced himself.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
9
CincySooner says:
more unfairly creative excerpting
After about two minutes … Clint … left the scene.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
10
d'jango says:
My favorite line:
She said, “Look officer, I know I shouldn’t have drove home, but I didn’t have money for a cab; and I don’t trust anybody in my condition to drive me home, so I just decided to drive.”
February 18th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
11
BJ says:
Props all around for this. Holly for a brilliant “Speed” reference, and to the “accused” for being frighteningly honest. I bet the officer wins some sort of office pool for that.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
12
CincySooner says:
If you ask me, I think the police should be questioning all SafeRide employees named Clint.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
13
Godfrey says:
In Arizona the coach’s daughters are too drunk to tell ask you if you know who their Daddys are.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
14
BurritoBrosShits says:
Its that damned Chipotle. Lord knows what the hell goes in that shit that makes people do shit like this.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
15
Ray says:
Mom?
February 18th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
16
Pat Dye's Liver says:
Daughter?
February 18th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
17
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
My favorite Line Dept:
She tells the fuzz, when they ask her a question:
“Uh yeah, I’m coming back from the Slightly Stoopid concert.”
I would hate to think how wasted she would be if she was coming from the “Really Stoopid concert”….
February 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
18
THETexasStateUniversity says:
@6
I sure don’t remember THAT part of GTA: San Andreas.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
19
The Holy Grail says:
Holly: you owe me a new computer screen and keyboard at work… coffee all over both, co-workers wondering….
That one was pure gold… come on, who has not passed out at a stop light half-naked… isn’t that a requirement to be part of the Detroit Lions coaching staff?
February 18th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
20
JTG says:
Someone really needs to find the mug shot for this one…
February 18th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
21
Raider Red says:
Police Beat has always been greatness. I’m surprised this edition didn’t involve the usual creepy-dude-wanking-in-the-library story. (hence the name of the column)
February 18th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
22
Signal to Noise says:
Glorious. Should be framed and archived for posterity.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
23
Vol says:
“Read my lips, Officer…I’m drunk!” hurhurhur
February 18th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
24
Sundawg says:
“Then she was released.” What the hell! Let a guy try blowing more than twice the legal blood alcohol level and see if he gets released. She probably slept on the lawn of the police station until daylight. I would have.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
25
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
Upon opening the door, he saw a three-quarters-empty bottle of Sailor Jerry Navy Rum on the floorboard of the passenger side…then beside it was two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that she needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried her was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a college chick in the depths of an ether binge, and the cop knew she’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
Also,with a bit of luck, her life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of her favorite bars, men in red woolen TKE shirts are getting incredible kicks from things she’ll never know she actually did or even remember…..
February 18th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
26
Dawg says:
@25
Ah…Fear and Loathing in Arizona…brilliant.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:55 pm