CORRECTIONS, 2/06/2009

Tuesday's Curious Index included an item implying that Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio beats his wife. We apologize for this grievous mischaracterization and any pain it may have caused the Dantonio family. The offending passage should have indicated that Mark Dantonio beats the wife of any man who crosses him. We regret the error.

In Friday's "POOF! There it is: Coaching Magic Tricks in 5 Minutes" piece, we incorrectly identified a simple card illusion performed by new coach Lane Kiffin as "How to Shove Twelve and a Half Inches of Blustery Overexcitement Up Your Own Rectum So Far You Taste The Foretip fo the Cock Of Failure in The Back Of Your Throat In Just 45 Easy Seconds."

The actual name of the illusion is the "Elmsley Pass." Also, Kiffin's representatives were adamant that we refer to it not as a "trick" but instead as "an illusion." We regret both errors.

Last night's You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me Thursday lead item failed to suggest that Google News headline "Nutt picks up huge commit in Cotton" carried with it any sort of hideously inappropriate sexual connotation. We regret the error.

Tuesday's Fidgeting Digits Column misapplied the laws of genetics in working out a hypothetical blood type problem using Bobby Petrino.

We listed Petrino's hypothetical children as having AB-, when in fact the various combinations of both parents would in fact lead to a child with O+ blood. (Thanks to Dr. Meltzer at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital for clearing this up.) Also, we would stress the hypothetical portion of this piece, as it is commonly acknowedged that Bobby Petrino's veins contain not blood, but an acidic solvent capable of liquefying human skin in seconds.

On Monday, sister site Every Day Should Be Sunday's Super Bowl Notebook reported that a Comcast affiliate in Arizona had accidentally aired several minutes of a hard-core pornographic film, in which an unsimulated oral sex act took place, during Super Bowl XLIII. In fact, the program that they accidentally switched to was 'College Recruiting Update with Tom Lemming: Where Are They Now?,' and the sex act in question was merely Lemming engaging in a very graphic sex act with Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen. We congratulate Clausen, and regret the error.

On Wednesday, we referred to Coach Rich Rodriguez's hobbies as "spelunking, raffle-crashing, and collecting miniatures." Michigan representatives clarified two points:

1. That should have read "miniature running backs."

2. Coach Rodriguez is also fond of the art and science of metal detecting.

Per the release: "Mrs. Rodriguez is proud of the weight Coach Rodriguez has lost following a stressful recruiting season, and especially proud of the massive, $35K engagement ring he found for her on a drifter's long-abandoned corpse." We regret the error, and congratulate Coach Rodriguez on the weight loss and the purchase of his metal detector.

Wednesday's profile of blue-chip recruit Barkevious Mingo contained the following erroneous paragraph: "He was sent to the Chesterfield School in 1741 and in 1750 became a student at St John's College, Cambridge, where he studied classics and mathematics. He held the Exeter scholarship there and wrote a poem on the death of Frederick, prince of Wales, in 1751 (which was published in the European Magazine in 1795). While a student at Cambridge he travelled to London to attend the lectures of the surgeon William Hunter. From 1753 to 1756 he studied medicine in Edinburgh which was, at that time, a major centre for medical education in Europe. He took his MB degree from Cambridge in 1755." This passage should have included reference to Mingo's fondness for trout fishing, kite flying, and raising purebred white tigers in the halcyon days of his youth. We regret the error.

A Signing Day Liveblog misidentified an anonymous recruit from Albany, Georgia as being "Mongolian." We meant to type "Mongoloid," and stand by our scouts' estimates of his intelligence. We regret the error, even though he can't read this.

During our Signing Day Liveblog Impromptu Pop Quiz, we mistakenly indicated that Dre Kirkpatrick mistook his Texas cap for an Alabama cap because he's an arrogant little dicksmack. Dre Kirkpatrick mistook his Texas cap for an Alabama cap because he cannot read. We regret the error.

Thursday's Final EDSBS HOT 172 1/2 listed the bottom ten in the incorrect order. The corrected order follows:

163. Buffalo
164. Ezell Road First Baptist Church and 15 Minute Embroidery Shop
165. Air Force (The actual Air Force)
166. Army (The Football team.)
167. Bun B's Green Milers, High Stylers, and Billion Dolla Bitchez.
168. The Gays (publicly reported; real totals estimated to be much higher.)
169. Army (The actual Army)
170. Al-Qaeda
171. Lupus
172. Syracuse
172 1/2. Shreveport, Louisiana.

We regret the error.