A crowded church in Oxford, Mississippi. The slow sizzle of tambourines and magisterial rumble of a church organ roil in the background. A choir stands waving its hands heavenward in the air.

PASTOR HOUSTON NUTT approaches the podium.

Nutt: MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!! CAN AH GET A GIGGITY!!!

Assembly: Giggity!

Nutt: Ah said…..(smiles, pauses, looks up at the rafters…) CAN YA GIVE THE LORD A GIGGI-TAH!!!

Assembly: GIGGITY!!!

Nutt: Now let’s sing it out…HOW MANY TIMES DID THE LORD BLESS US?

Choir: THREE!!!!

Nutt: And a what—

Choir: SEVEN!!!

Nutt: THE LORD DONE BLESSED US WITH–

Choir:

THE LORD DONE BLESSED US THIRTY SEVEN TAAAAAAAIIIIIIIMES!!!!

The band strikes up into a thumping gospel beat.

Choir:

DONT NEED NO MATH
DONT NEED NO PROOF
37 TIMES WE GOT THE TRUTH

Nutt (solo):

Well, I went a walkin’ (He went a-walkin’)
Round this here state (This here staaaaaaate)
Got to find some players Find us some plaaahayyeeerrrs…
Make-a Ole Miss greaaaaaat Whoaaaahoaaawhoaaahhhahhhh

Ain’t much for countin! No no no nooooo!
Found out reaaall soooooon
Like his buddy Houston
Neither is Pete Boone Ain’t doin’ no maaaaaaath

WE GOT THIRTY-SEVEN!!! (Three! And! Sev’n!)
That’s seven and three…
My major wadn’t math (oh no no no)
Mine was victorreeeeee (Victory oh mercy me!)

When the Lord comes a callin’
He’s gonna say to meeeee
GIGGITY BOTARKUS
And a seven and a threeeeee….

Choir: WHOOOOOO!!!!

Breakdown. Just the drums and the choir.

NOW HOUSTON HOUSTON THAT’S YOUR NAME
ANNA SIGNIN THEM RECRUITS IS YOUR GAME
IF THE LORD WANTS YOU SIGNING MORE THAN 25
YOU CAN’T DISOBEY, WANNA STAY ALIVE

Nutt: I’d sign twenty, and a couple more
Found myself at a-thirty four
Liked a linebacker, and I signed him too
Signed a couple more and breezed on through

Kept on a-signin’ till the early morn
Would-a kept goin’ through the noon and night
Ain’t nothin’ saying I can’t sign more
Gimme a pen and a paper and you know I might—

ALL STOP.

Nutt: I MIIIIIIIGGGGHT!!!!

Choir:

YEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nutt:

I…..I……I…

Audience: TESTIFY PASTOR HOUSTON!!!!

Nutt;

I…might just…I might just siiiiiiiiiiiiign….

CHOIR:

HOOOOOOWWWW MANYYYYYY!!!!!

Tambourines and organ.

Nutt:

WE GOT THIRTY-SEVEN!!! (Three! And! Sev’n!)
That’s seven and three…
Ain’t all of ‘em gonna (oh no no no)
Pass the S-A-Teeeeee (Their readin’ skills ain’t great, you see…)

When the Lord comes a callin’
He’s gonna say to meeeee
GIGGITY BOTARKUS
And a seven and a threeeeee….

Choir:

NOW KEEP ON SIGNIN’!

Nutt:

I’m a keep on signin’!

Choir:

NOW KEEP ON SIGNIN’!

Nutt:

I’m a keep on signin’!

Nutt:

Got that sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign!

Choir:

HOTTY TODDY
GOSH ALMIGHTY
HOPE ALL OF THEM
CAN’T READ OR WRITE-Y

WOOAAAHAHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dancing and frivolity. Pastor Houston Nutt signs the entire front row of the church to the Ole Miss football program as he dances around with one hand fervently pumping heavenward.

FIN.