THE ALL-NAME UNDERAGE DERBY

by Holly Anderson on Feb 4, 2009 12:02 PM EST

Where are the Pouncey twins and Jim Bob Cooters of tomorrow bound? You're a bit of a creepshow for even wondering, but we're here to help.

barky_bitch

The early leaders, after the jump:

LSU: Barkevious Mingo, Carneal Ainsworth

PURDUE: Al-Terek McBurse, Ishmael Aristide

TEXAS A&M: Christine Michael, Rhontae Scales

OHIO STATE: Jack Mewhort, Storm Klein (of Licking Valley High; not making that up; you're welcome)

TENNESSEE: JerQuari Schofield

FLORIDA: Nu'Keese Richardson

GEORGIA: Rantavious Wooten

BOWLING GREEN: Ali Alaboody

TEXAS TECH: Pearlie Graves

TEMPLE: Blaze Caponegro

AUBURN: Eltoro Freeman

ARIZONA STATE: Vontaze Burfict

VANDERBILT: Justin Cabbagestalk

CENTRAL MICHIGAN: Justice Akuezue

GEORGIA TECH: Euclid Cummings

VIRGINIA TECH: Nubian Peak

MICHIGAN: Fitzgerald Toussaint

ARKANSAS: Lance Ray

STANFORD: Shayne Skov

COLORADO: Terdema Ussery

DUKE: Anthony Young-Wiseman (of Walt Whitman HS, natch)

NOTRE DAME: Manti Te'o

USC: Hebron Fangupo

WESTERN MICHIGAN: Tronic Williams

KENTUCKY: Qua Huzzie

It's early yet, but we're pretty comfortable calling this the greatest class of names in world history. Has your alma mater landed a Steele Hull, a Jabu Lovelace, a Phil Loadholt of its very own? Keep us posted below.

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Comments

Already sticking it to Florida regarding Richardson. I enjoy going to the free boards to read about how the kid that decommitted now has holes in his abilities and a bad attitude, as well. According the Florida Rivals’ site, Richardson is barely 4 feet tall and has hands of stone.

by Coop on Feb 4, 2009 12:28 PM EST reply actions

Incoming freshman De’Von Flournoy and transfer Hebron Fangupo take away some of the sting of losing Burfict to ASU.

by DC Trojan on Feb 4, 2009 12:36 PM EST reply actions

Iowa: Shane DiBona, Dakota Getz

(god we’re so white)

by Oops Pow Surprise on Feb 4, 2009 12:37 PM EST reply actions

Michigan: Vladimir Emilien

by Ray on Feb 4, 2009 12:40 PM EST reply actions

A football player named Euclid … where could he go besides GT? That’s too perfect.

by SpartanDan on Feb 4, 2009 12:40 PM EST reply actions

Notre Dame also has:

Theo “101” Riddick
Carlo Calabrese

by Sean F on Feb 4, 2009 12:42 PM EST reply actions

How about GT’s Rod Sweeting and Euclid Cummings?

by jacketexan on Feb 4, 2009 12:42 PM EST reply actions

The universe provides. I thought the same thing when I saw Justin Cabbagestalk (HOW IS THAT A NAME).

by Holly on Feb 4, 2009 12:43 PM EST reply actions

Imagine the scene cribside: “I know the name John has been in the family for generations, but he just LOOKS like a Rantavious.”

Blaze got off easy, wouldn’t his last name translate to Blackhead?

by OhioDawg on Feb 4, 2009 12:48 PM EST reply actions

Fairly weak compared to the all-world team above, but Cincinnati signed Romel Dismuke.

by OhioDawg on Feb 4, 2009 12:52 PM EST reply actions

You forgot Auburn’s freshly signed Nosa Eguae

by Wargle on Feb 4, 2009 12:53 PM EST reply actions

Kentucky:
Mister “You Can Call me Mr.” Cobble (not a nickname)
Qua Huzzie
LaRod King

by Recruiting is not bullshit on Feb 4, 2009 12:55 PM EST reply actions

PSU is mostly unassuming (they own the style), but they did sign Christian Kuntz.

by Ed on Feb 4, 2009 1:01 PM EST reply actions

All are excellent “motel check-in fake names”

by fakepurseninja on Feb 4, 2009 1:03 PM EST reply actions

For a school that gave us Ian-Yates, D’Brickashaw, Tiki, Rhonde, Ras-I, and (almost) J’Courtney, UVa did not get it done this year. There are a couple of strange ones, but none worth listing above. We in fact did the opposite; this year’s class has the beginnings of a great DKE pledge class: Tucker Windle, Cody Wallace, Hunter Steward, Connor McCartin, and Perry Jones.

We’re totally beating Yale at Polo this year. VPISU, in football? Not so much.

by now_a_hoo on Feb 4, 2009 1:03 PM EST reply actions

I’m going to write the names of various ethnicities on little pieces of paper and pluck them out of a hat as it comes time to name each of my children. The recruiting analysts of tomorrow had better watch out — Jean-Claude Darko Gillett, Kenjiro Fulgencio Gillett, Aristotle !Kung Gillett, and Running Deer bin al-Kalb al-Thawr Gillett are going to start bursting onto the scene in 20 or 25 years.

by Doug on Feb 4, 2009 1:08 PM EST reply actions

If there were a football player named Barkevious Cabbagestalk, I would start a company solely to market him. That would be the best name of any person of all time. Ever.

by Rockabye Reggie Nelson on Feb 4, 2009 1:13 PM EST reply actions

have to move NuKeese Richardson to Florida…damn, I would have liked to have had a Nuke

by etsuVol on Feb 4, 2009 1:15 PM EST reply actions

Lost Nu’Keese but got Teague back from the Gators…I need a drink already.

by Holly on Feb 4, 2009 1:22 PM EST reply actions

Shavodrick Beaver – Tulsa QB

by Eric on Feb 4, 2009 1:24 PM EST reply actions

D’Brickashaw…always loved that one.

Fans of these schools can only hope these players become legends so as to aid in the “name your pet after your favorite player” derby.

Barkevious is a name that was tailor made for this.

Any dog park in Florida now results in a stampede if you shout “Tebow”!

by zzgator on Feb 4, 2009 1:27 PM EST reply actions

I’m partial to Tronic. It’s like his dad was begging to name him Chronic and the mom compromised to end up with Tronic.

by Mike on Feb 4, 2009 1:30 PM EST reply actions

Does Rutgers get points for having Andre Civil and Tom Savage?

They also have Ka’Lail Glaud, who’s notable for how he picked between RU and West Virginia – flipped a coin.

http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20090204/NEWS01/90204010/1001/RSS

Nice mugshot, BTW.

by Devin McCullen on Feb 4, 2009 1:38 PM EST reply actions

PB Post says Nu’Keese Richardson to UT: http://www.palmbeachpost.com/sports/content/sports/highschools/chats/2009/recruiting.html

by RRN on Feb 4, 2009 1:41 PM EST reply actions

Thanks EDSBS, for making me google a high schooler to confirm that a man with the last name of “Cabbagestalk” actually walks this earth and breathes air.

by burgler on Feb 4, 2009 1:44 PM EST reply actions

USF has a couple good ones this year

Devekeyan Lattimore and Oluwademilola Thompson

by Astro on Feb 4, 2009 1:50 PM EST reply actions

Sir Gregory Thornton, I wish my mother had the foresight to knight me at birth.

by VolunteerValtrex on Feb 4, 2009 1:55 PM EST reply actions

Colorado’s got a guy named Terd? Wow.

Thank goodness Noooooooook came back to UF….drink every time you hear that on TV too.

There was a kid born in my area a couple years ago named Tremendous Jackson. That’s a college football player waiting to happen.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 4, 2009 1:57 PM EST reply actions

I have say I like Euclid Cummings.

His name sounds a lot like a geometric porn flick.

by that 5.0 guy on Feb 4, 2009 2:00 PM EST reply actions

Kansas: Prinz Kande and Toben Opurum

by GingerBalls on Feb 4, 2009 2:02 PM EST reply actions

Scratch that…Nooooook is back to the Vols. Rakrootin’ is fun!

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 4, 2009 2:03 PM EST reply actions

@ #24 Yeah rumors flying around Vol boards that Nu’k’e’e’se is a Vol

by etsuVol on Feb 4, 2009 2:03 PM EST reply actions

Rich Brooks and Kentucky add another all-namer, this time its Martevius Neloms out of Memphis.

by Dave, Dave, and Dave on Feb 4, 2009 2:07 PM EST reply actions

The Vandy Signing Day Crowd
Ohhhh dear it’s Justin Cabbagestalk of the Biltmore Cabbagestalks, formerly the Oxford Cabbagestalks. His father was a gentleman and a scholar.

/champagne + caviar

by MightyMightyMitzu on Feb 4, 2009 2:09 PM EST reply actions

WfVU offers RB Daquan Hargrett and LB Branko Busick to the all-name derby.

by Millon de Floss on Feb 4, 2009 2:15 PM EST reply actions

Ole Miss signed a guy named Cotton.

Go figure.

by zzgator on Feb 4, 2009 2:16 PM EST reply actions

OK, I’m not changing Nu’Keese back. Wordpress is running slllllow today and there’s always the off chance some dumbfuck fan of either team will jump in the thread later on and scream at me, and that’ll be fun for everybody.

by Holly on Feb 4, 2009 2:18 PM EST reply actions

I’m liking SC’s pickup of Jawanza Starling at safety. Things are looking up.

by DC Trojan on Feb 4, 2009 2:27 PM EST reply actions

Parade All American Greg Reid toyed with the UGA hat last night before donning the garnet and gold of FSU…

Of course we remember him breaking up publicly with meyer and UF…

Where’s the love???

by cookin and smilin on Feb 4, 2009 2:30 PM EST reply actions

Utah State even out whites Iowa State:

Jeff Manning (not the good kind)
Tyler Larsen
Travis Parrish
Michael Smith
Travis Van Leeuwen

by Benja on Feb 4, 2009 2:34 PM EST reply actions

“Shavodrick Beaver”

That’s a lie.

(checks Google)

My God, that’s not a lie.

by Josh M on Feb 4, 2009 2:36 PM EST reply actions

Oops, two all name teamers, Kamaloni Vainikolo & Tryn Mesarch

by Benja on Feb 4, 2009 2:36 PM EST reply actions

So is that pronounced “Cabbage Stalk” or “Cabbages Talk”?

It makes a difference, you know.

by JTG on Feb 4, 2009 2:54 PM EST reply actions

Looking at Nu’keese’s numbers, it appears we are fighting over a 5-9 WR….

maybe the strategy is to find guys small enough to catch Crompton’s gopher balls.

by etsuVol on Feb 4, 2009 2:59 PM EST reply actions

Man, Nebraska sucks. The best we got was was a Dontrayevous and Cole Pensick.

Jack Mewhort amuses me more the more I think about it.

by SeanH on Feb 4, 2009 3:00 PM EST reply actions

as if losing the mnc game wasn’t enough, Stoops has poured salt in the wounds with this recruiting class

after recruiting such all-name honorable mentions as phil loadholt, c.j. ah you, jonte bumpus, and the great chijioke onyenegecha, the best we could do this year was…jaz reynolds? tavaris jeffries?

it just keeps getting worse in Sooner nation…harumph

by okiedomer on Feb 4, 2009 3:11 PM EST reply actions

@43

JTG, where should I send the cleaning bill? A “Hall of Fame” comment in my book.

by hlh on Feb 4, 2009 3:52 PM EST reply actions

SeanH – Nebraska did more than enough to contribute with Ndamukong Suh. They are forgiven for coming up short this year!

by The Gentleman Masher on Feb 4, 2009 4:07 PM EST reply actions

Gentleman Masher,

True. We got a Faron Klingelhoefer last year too, so I’m feeling a little better.

by SeanH on Feb 4, 2009 4:23 PM EST reply actions

Florida International recruits…

Larvez Mars, Markeith Russell, Thatcher Starling, Edgard Theliar, Rocky Vann (porn name of the year), and Tourek and Jairus Williams.

by chaimy4life on Feb 4, 2009 4:46 PM EST reply actions

He’s no Barkevious….

Justice Cunningham, TE, South Carolina

by robert on Feb 4, 2009 4:49 PM EST reply actions

It’s DII but what the hell. NWMSU signs:

KOHLMAN ADEMA-SCHULTE – RB
COLE DAFFT – OL

by Drake on Feb 4, 2009 4:58 PM EST reply actions

Oklahoma State:

Daytawion Lowe

A banner year for Tulsa:

Shavodrick Beaver
LaQuentin Black
Daeshon Bufford
Stetson Burnett (Stetson? Sadly, this guy went to my former high school.)
Justin “Mad Skillz” Skillens

by Justin C. Cliburn on Feb 4, 2009 5:00 PM EST reply actions

Oregon State with a solid effort: Obum Gwacham, pronounced oh-BOOM Watch-em

by BennyBeav on Feb 4, 2009 5:35 PM EST reply actions

I’m disappointed in South Carolina’s showing this year. In years past, we had guys like Foxy Foxworth, Captain Munnerlyn, Chris Smelley, and Ladi Ajiboye. This year, we’re having to settle for Justice Cunningham and Kevious Watkins.

Any bets on when spell check just gives up on this thread?

by Never Leave College on Feb 4, 2009 6:18 PM EST reply actions

Cal’s crop of names is pretty solidly disappointing. I mean, sure, there’s the normal assortment of names of Polynesian derivation, but really the only amusing name on the list is Steve Williams, who I will refer to as Dr. Death when he starts as a redshirt freshman in 2010 (because we’re just fine with Syd’Quan Thompson and Darian Hagan at the moment thankyouverymuch).

by AERose on Feb 4, 2009 8:05 PM EST reply actions