If the real TNG had been like this we would have watched nothing else during the Bush 1 administration:

Alex Boone, chased down by a speed rusher no doubt. It could have been any number of speed rushing defensive ends who did it, or perhaps just a talented policeman bent on showing off his dominating flag football five-Mississippi pass rush. Either way, Ohio State offensive lineman Alex Boone was beaten around the corner and tasered as he hid beneath a patio after “an alleged drunken tirade.” Sometimes, kids, “alleged” is just a formality when you’re pulling ape-man-fiesta shit like this in a sleepy California burb on a Monday night:

When they arrived, the 6-foot-8, 312-pound tackle had been jumping on car hoods, yanking on a tow truck cable and trying to break a window, said sheriff’s spokesman Jim Amormino.

Boone’s BAC was three times the legal limit, a whopping .24 but nothing compared to his earlier self-confessed drunkfests. He was held overnight in the medical ward of the jail, or as we like to call it, “The Afterparty Zone.” Boone was hoping to enter the NFL draft, and if he’s fired up on Mexican insecticide-laden hooch as he was Monday night, few will be able to stop him from storming the combine and jamming a stopwatch up Roger Goodell’s well-waxed asshole.

Points to be assessed shortly.

Petersen rejiggers. Chris Petersen shuffles around his staff in the first major multiperson changes on the staff since 2006. We’d insert a lame Boise joke about “ha! just trying to keep warm! BOISE IS COLD!”, but it’s 23 there, and 30 in Atlanta, and seriously go fuck yourself with a buttplug made of C4 and broken glass, winter.

Getting a Podolak. Kinnick Stadium will be “getting a Brazilian,” as OPS puts it at Black Heart Gold Pants, but really, wouldn’t getting Field Turf translate better to shaving off all of one’s pubic hair, then pasting fake rubber and plastic hair back on it? The more appropriate term would be “Getting a Merkin,” albeit a Merkin which may actually have the Iowa logo at midfield.

Now, one could do the Podolak: a femme-pelt cut into two mustache segments and then doused with the mid-range German Midwestern brew of your choice. Most Iowa fans would really like this, wethinks.

Dismissed! Preston Parker is dismissed, showing both that Bobby Bowden is no longer truly in charge at Florida State, and that Florida State will reload, but with non-lethal ammunition next year.