The current status on Pete Caroll’s Twitter account may be the pinnacle of all that we consider to be civilized society:

Pete Carroll, somewhere above America in that magic unicycle he calls a plane, is rocking out to Nancy Wilson bellowing out “wooooaaaaHHHHHHBARRABARRAACUUUDDDAAAHHHH!!!” If this leads to the inevitable confluence of cultural rivers we think could be flowing together here, footage of the white-maned Humanitarian himself playing the song on Guitar Hero: World Tour should be posted on USCRipsIt.com the night before signing day. Hear our voice and make this happen, Trojan media staff. Last year, WiiTennis; this year, Pete playing Barracuda on a plastic guitar and rocking out like it’s 1977. If the kids like it, Pete will do it, and someone tell him that there’s nothing recruits like more than watching their coach attempt the drump part on Tool’s “Schism” on Expert.

Rueben Randle and friend, Ramgod.

Rueben Randle, much-desired wide receiver recruit, received a personal tour of the Louisiana State capitol courtesy of LA Governor Bobby Jindal aide Timmy Teepell. (Remember: politics is one of those disciplines where one not only can, but should keep a nickname that would get your ass mocked to a painful death in any other community.) No word on whether Randle was accompanied by Ramgod, but his presence was likely unnecessary as Ramgod sees all Randle sees and knows all that he thinks. Hint: if you want to know where he’s committing, ask Ramgod, Rivals and Scout types. He knows all.

This Wednesday’s Mustache of the Day: Jaylon Snead, proud papa of Ole Miss qb Jevan Snead.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

That ain’t a mustache, sweetie. It’s a hairy handlebar for the sexual bike ride of your life. (HT: Red Solo Cup.

Q: So, what is it you do here?

A: I…I talk to the coaches, and make sure they get along with the recruits. I talk to the boosters. I ride in a cart and sometimes I put on a headset.

Q: Yes, but…what skills do you have?

A: I’m good at dealing with–

Q: Listen, Bobby. I’ll ask one more time. What would ya say ya do here?

A: Well-well, I deal with the goddamned boosters so the coaches don’t have to! I talk! To people! I have people skills! What is wrong with you people!

Q: What do you say we just go year-to-year with this from now on, okay?

A: (Sighs) That…that sounds fine to me, I guess.

To behold Florida commit Andre Debose’s high school highlights tape is to ask the eternal questions about all blue-chippers’ high school preview tapes: Is this person real? What kind of hilljack mongoloid coach doesn’t spot the fastest player on the field at punter on 4th down and scream “FAAAAAAAAKE?” Are the rosters of high school football teams stocked with undiagnosed epileptics and fainting goats wearing human suits? Is this person actually as good as advertised? Does the announcer have to celebrate touchdowns with a warmed over Chris Berman phrase from 1985? Do high school bands play songs, or merely toot away a tuneless anarchy for the better part of three quarters? Does he look slow because it was shot on VHS, or because he’s bored out of his skull? Why did the other defense guard anyone else on the entire field, especially when he starts every play with a large arrow pointing out exactly where he is?

Andy Staples, recruiting, 8:00 p.m. EDT. Hear you then.

If you should need some reading in the meantime, let us recommend both Mottram’s fine survey of the media types at the Super Bowl–including luscious Latinas in tight pants, you bunda-whores–and this fine review of a book on Playboy’s evolving centerfolds featuring the phrase “biteable bottoms and breasts,” but in an intellectual way, yo.

DISREGARD: This is old cheese. Tasty old cheese, but still old. We blame society.

Does this look like the face of a malicious threat to public safety?

No way. That’s a jocular man-about-town bent on enjoying himself in a gentlemanly albeit slightly rakish manner. To be more specific, that is junior linebacker Sterling Lewis, arrested for EXTREME DUI (sponsored by Mountain Dew Code Red) early this morning. Extreme DUI in Arizona indicates a BAC above 0.15, earning Arizona three points in the Fulmer Cup: two for the DUI, and one for the bonus earned by the extremely cheerful picture and extra tuff charge of EXTREME DUI. (As he did not drive through a house or orphanage, we cannot award him the rare three point solo DUI charge.)

Name: D.J. Fluker, Rivals # 6 and the #1 offensive lineman overall.

Position: Offensive Line, Juggernaut, goal-line fullback for Poseidon in backyard pickup games between deities, stunt-double for several planets in Battlestar Galactica.

High School: Lilliputia High School for the Little and Gifted. Was actually 3′ 7″ as a freshman, but experienced a growth spurt and was granted a special exemption to finish his education at LHS.

Fight song lyrics included “Yub nub! eee chop yub nub ah toe…” HT: Todd.

Relevant stats: 6′7″, runs a 4.9, benches 375, squats 525. Inhaled a basketball during an afterschool game his senior year in high school and snorted it out for a spectacular cross-court alley-oop. Can eat fifty eggs in a sitting with ease. Faberge eggs, that is. Without chewing. Was Valedictorian of his class thanks to his superb marks in classes like Maiming, Boulder-tossing, and Fear.

Committed to: Alabama, and ridding himself of this infestation of sport climbers who keep shooting bolts in his flesh in vain attempts to climb 5.10 and 5.11 routes on him.

Likes: Long walks on the beach, staring contests with utility poles, the smell of fresh paint, a woman who is comfortable with her body, and the sweet noise of villagers asking him to bring back the sun.

Dislikes: Your bitch ass. Cauliflower.

What his Rivals picture says about him:

RUN. NOW. DO NOT ALERT CIVIL AUTHORITIES AS IT IS TOO LATE. YOU OWE HIM MONEY AND YOUR STANK ASS IS GETTING THROWN THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LEADS TO ANOTHER PLATE GLASS WINDOW LOCATED IN FRONT OF A NEVER ENDING SERIES OF PLATE GLASS WINDOWS. YOUR ONLY FRIEND IS DEATH NOW AND HE’S GONNA BE FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE, BITCH. RUN.

Ballin’? WHO’S ASKIN’, PUNK?

Summary: Starting at left tackle…Cloverfield!

Tonight we’ll attempt to talk recruiting, an awkward subject given most college fans’ encyclopedic knowledge of their own team’s recruiting and near-total ignorance of any other squad’s. To ameliorate this, we’re bringing in Andy Staples, who knows every player on every board and exactly where they’re going for sure. His journalistic credibility rests on this, and we’ll hold him to that standard without mercy. (Good luck, Andy!)

He’ll be with us at 8:00 p.m. tonight on TalkShoe (Link pending, as we have to set the show up.) In the meantime, please peruse his article on Devon Kennard, seen below wrecking shop in high school as #42 in silent, hard to peep recruiting footage. (Requisite film quality: Peruvian porn. Kleph, please verify.)

The USC blue-chip commit’s story appeared in our RSS feed with this less-than-reassuring header:

Devon Kennard is headed to USC, and now Andy Staples says the top DE prospect can focus on the thing standing between him and greatness: his knee.

Not the best way to start off your college career, but if Frank Gore can soldier through a college career marred by no fewer than ninety knee injuries–we’re pretty sure there was an alligator attack and a lightning strike in there–and still emerge to snag an NFL rushing title, Kennard should be fine with one measly catastrophic knee injury to his credit.