LANE KIFFIN SCANDALIZES SEC GARDEN CLUB MEETING
Columbia, SC–(AP) Lane Kiffin continued to ruffle feathers in the SEC when he displayed unconventional table manners at a monthly meeting of the SEC Football Coaches’ Garden Club in Columbia.
According to witnesses, Kiffin incorrectly used his dinner fork for both his salad and his entree, relinquishing it only when a server snapped up the fork shortly before the dessert course.
“I was just trying to help the guy out,” said the server, who did not wish to be named in this article.
“I don’t know if he knows where he is, but that’s not going to cut it here,” said Paul Finebaum, longtime SEC columnist and garden club tomato expert. “He put his elbows on the table, passed in an incorrect manner across the centerpiece of the table, failed to RSVP, and even used his fork to cut the butter. The fork he ate with. This won’t cut it here. Phil might eat half of the ham at the buffet, but he did it with the right fork, dangit. Pardon my language.”
The fork incident represents just the latest in a series of shocking breaches of SEC etiquette.
“When he was recruiting, he didn’t even call before he came,” said Coach Steve Spurrier. “Not a peep. Just knocked on my door to say hello. When he came in, he didn’t even have a gift with him. Normally you bring a nice casserole, a jello salad or something, anything. He called me ‘Steve’ before I even said he could.”
“And on top of all that, he fell asleep during my lecture on reducing aphid loss in your roses.”
All other coaches declined comment, telling this paper off the record that they found Kiffin’s table manners to be unladylike and unfitting for an SEC coach and Garden Club member. Only one other coach provided comment: Kentucky’s Rich Brooks, who described the question regarding Kiffin’s use of the dinner fork for all courses to be “bullshit.”
Kiffin replied to the ruffled feathers with nonchalance. “Who needs more than one fork at a meal, anyway?”









1
Herb says:
I have a hard time believing Fulmer used more than one fork unless he accidently inhaled the first one or bent it making a particularly aggressive move for another pork chop.
January 29th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
2
Sean F says:
Count me in on the crowd looking for the “Hello Kiffin” t-shirts.
January 29th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
3
Bebop says:
Hey, man; was there ever a conclusion to your “Disappointment has a flavor” series?
January 29th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
4
MBD says:
How gauche!
January 29th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
5
JD says:
Rich Brooks + some event, place, person, or thing + bullshit = always funny.
January 29th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
6
DevilGrad says:
The “Johnny Majors has a drinking problem” tag is also perennially funny.
January 29th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
7
Brian O'Blivion says:
I think that picture looks like what I saw when I took that hit of X at a buddy’s wedding, from what I can remember, it was fun (sorry if you were one of the groping victims).
January 29th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
8
bamagreg says:
my sources confirm that he was wearing white fuck me pumps. in the dead of winter. this breach of ettiquette was lost on the big o, who bent him over the granite in the mens room
January 29th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
9
hobeg8r says:
Well, it WAS kinda dumb/immature to provide bulletin board material at your hiring presser (by proclaiming that you are looking forward to beating Florida next year). If it was meant as a joke (which I assume it was), then were you joking because you knew the Vols didn’t stand a chance and said it just to be funny? If you were actually serious, then Al Davis (the resident NFL crazyman) was right.
Looking forward to the game at the Swamp, Kiffykins and the next 10 years (or however long you last).
January 29th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
10
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
I would like to be the first one to kick that cat, and dare anyone to call PETA…although the orange and white checkered UT bow is a nice touch, dont you think?
January 29th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
11
GamecockTony says:
“Who needs more than one fork at a meal, anyway?”
Mangino?
January 29th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
12
bamagreg says:
YES YES YES, I’M IN LINE FOR A HELLO KIFFIN SHIRT. I’ll wear that fucker everwhere. weddings, funerals.- with the appropriate orange bow tie, of course. i have no goddamn shame
January 29th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
13
Just another Michigan Man says:
@11
But that just because of a combination of ambidexterity and wear and tear, not social convention. A forklift and a belt conveyor would be the better feeding time option for him…
January 29th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
14
JD says:
Mangino doesn’t eat at tables. He walks up to the feeding trough so he can be slopped.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
15
chops056 says:
i didn’t even know a fork was needed to eat the smiley-faced grilled cheese with french fries which he ordered from the kid’s menu
January 29th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
16
Anonymous IV says:
I also have it on good authority that he was wearing white shoes before Memorial Day.
We need Serial Mom to take care of this problem.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
17
Coop says:
Nobody does a hatchet job quite like Finebaum. I think I will go back and read his work around the time Tubs checked out of Auburn. Should be interesting.
January 29th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
18
NatiJacket says:
@9 What was so dumb about saying they were going to beat their rival? Every coach does that when they come in. It pumps up the fan base, which is more important than the actual result of the game. This “oh no he gave bulletin material” is dumb.
Scene: UF Locker room Date: Next Fall
Stupidly fast receiver #1: “Guys… I just don’t feel like playing against this TN team today… My heart just isn’t into it”
Stupidly fast receiver #2: “I know what you mean… my energy and enthusiasm feels like its been circumcised. Those Hello Kiffin dolls and tshirts are just too cute!”
Stupidly fast receiver #3: “Hey guys check out this bulletin board!”
*Article on Bulletin Board with Kiffin quote about beating Florida*
Stupidly fast receiver #1: “Oh snap its Gator time. Quick Everyone put your rings together and summon Captain Tebow!”
*Earth..Wind…Fire….Water… Heart*
Captain Tebow: “Yes young Gators. You were wise to call me. You were about to lose on purpose and play without heart but then you saw the article. Thank god Kiffin said those words, or else we would never have played to win!”
January 29th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
19
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
….meanwhile, Coach O is throwing waiters through the kitchen wall and blatantly using his hands on all of the salad bar and buffet line, no utensils, even over the buffets hot food….doing belly shots off of waitresses, pulling a Bluto in the dessert line….and daring anyone to write about it, eventually starting a food fight with Houston Nutt..
January 29th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
20
TideDruid says:
“Kiffin later bragged about taking Auburn’s best bread butterer, South Carolina’s best salad mixer, and Alabama’s best place setter”
January 29th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
21
hobeg8r says:
NatiJacket – the dumb part of the presser was the follow-up when he said – “Urban, the AD MADE me say that.”
If that presser was to fire up the Vols fans, he missed by a mile. He looked like a little kid giving his first speech in front of the 3rd grade class. Maybe he’ll take lessons from Orgeron on how to fire up a crowd.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
22
NatiJacket says:
hobeg8r- Ahh, I didn’t really know much about it, just thought it was your standard “We’re going to beat THAT team” at a basketball game that everyone always does.
It just gave me an excuse to rant against “Oh noz bulletin board material!”
January 29th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
23
yoyofutbawl says:
The article doesn’t even mention how he mixed his sweet tea with a battery-powered Hello Kiffy vibrator.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
24
Phocion says:
Bread, Circuses, and Hello Kiffin Shirts! The great unwashed demand them!!!
January 29th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
25
To Hell With Georgia says:
Nick Saban didn’t have time for this one dinner fork shit.
January 29th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
26
NRBQ says:
Silly YoYo.
Clever, but in SEC country, sweet tea is not mixed.
(Unless you like it with whiskey.)
January 29th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
27
KRK says:
Finnebaum Math:
Record as HC = Ability to recruit
That must be true.
January 29th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
28
JD says:
I’d wear a Hello Kiffin shirt and my team doesn’t even play in the SEC. Although I worry about the potential shit storm that Sanrio would bring down on whoever tried to sell them.
January 29th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
29
Flatlander says:
#6 – I feel the same way about “Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some”. That is an AUTOMATIC READ.
//currently watching Big 10 network. The feed is really slow tonight.
(that joke never gets old)
January 29th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
30
SierraSpartan says:
““And on top of all that, he fell asleep during my lecture on reducing aphid loss in your roses.”
OBC should already know that one picture says a thousand words…
January 30th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
31
jamiedawg says:
Dude, start negotiations with Sanrio NOW-ASAP! We must have Hello Kiffin shirts! The eternal hope I bear for this is the candle in the window that guides me through the offseason.
January 31st, 2009 at 9:58 pm