GUEST PRESEASON TOP FIVE: TED HAGGARD

by Orson on Jan 27, 2009 11:24 AM EST

Here to join us in our guest series of preseason top tens is evangelist and football fan Ted Haggard. Enjoy.

haggard

Thanks to all for having me here. You may not know that one of my passions outside of sharing the gift of the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is for college football, that most American of games. Orson has asked me to share my top five for 2009, and well I'm honored to do just that.

5. East Carolina Pirates. This year's wild-card breakout team in one of my favorite colors: purple. Who doesn't like pirates, with their habit of sneaking up on opponents from behind and overpowering them with their swords? I know I do. I'm a sucker for their mascot. Just look at that beard!

peedee

He almost seems to be beckoning you on to a score, doesn't he, with the saucy earring and cocksure grin surely beaming beneath that thick black man-muffler? I bet it smells like aftershave and heaven. I'll happily go raiding with these Pirates any day, though no one will be sneaking up on them this year (unless someone lets them!)

4. The Cal Bears. Nothing fights like a bear! Grrrrrr. Despite the immorality and sin surrounding them in the cesspool of the Bay area, I feel like this is the year Jahvid Best breaks out and lifts Cal into the burly, delicious hairy arms of success. Bears like honey, and by honey, I mean crystal meth. I mean: success.

3. USC Trojans. They never seem to break, no matter how much pressure gets put on them.

2. Florida Gators. It's great to see a man of God like Tim Tebow inspiring so many. He's so...thick...with the holy spirit! Also, their entire two-deep returns, and we'll go deep with that roster any time. Given the amount of talent they have. Yes. That is exactly what I meant to say.

1. The Texas Longhorns. Who doesn't love the Longhorns? And Colt McCoy, whose gotten so much more muscular over his three years at Texas that it's hard to wonder just what he does in that weight room? Maybe he squats a lot, letting his perfectly sculpted glutes do the work for him. Maybe he just does a lot of sprints, letting the sweat just pour off of his chiseled musculature as he runs the steps wearing only a pair of compression shorts. Whew! Whatever he does, it's working well enough for me to pick Texas at number one thanks to the weak defenses of the Big 12 and Will Muschamp, that excitable scamp of a defensive coordinator they have. Colt's my horse for the year, and my what a steed to ride for 2009!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go on a nine mile run.

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Comments

Well done, Orson.

We’ve asked Ted for his college hoops bracket busters as well. Surprisingly, he’s all over Oral Roberts this year to pull a first round upset.

by Signal to Noise on Jan 27, 2009 11:58 AM EST reply actions

Orson, have you been watching Anderson Cooper again?

by haybeav on Jan 27, 2009 12:00 PM EST reply actions

Would have worked for Tobias Funke as well.

by Coop on Jan 27, 2009 12:11 PM EST reply actions

This isn’t that funny. Actually, it’s not funny at all.

by roaminggator on Jan 27, 2009 12:17 PM EST reply actions

Your attention please. Henceforth, ‘chiseled’ is a noun. That is all.

by Brian O'Blivion on Jan 27, 2009 12:27 PM EST reply actions

As soon as I saw today’s guest, I knew this would end badly. I was not disappointed.

by Harris on Jan 27, 2009 12:30 PM EST reply actions

Ors:
I think the guy at the post office had you pegged, my friend.

by bamagreg on Jan 27, 2009 12:32 PM EST reply actions

You sure that’s not a picture of Seann William Scott?

by I'm A Lasagna Hog on Jan 27, 2009 12:35 PM EST reply actions

Meh. One gay man in denial does not a humorous post make, Orson.

by Mike on Jan 27, 2009 12:36 PM EST reply actions

How did this post not get either a gay dating ad or one featuring Tom Brady?

by BJ on Jan 27, 2009 12:50 PM EST reply actions

Trev Alberts and Pastor Ted…. separated at birth.

by Flatlander on Jan 27, 2009 12:52 PM EST reply actions

The best thing about a 9 mile run is the loooong massage afterward. And it goes w/o saying that only a man can properly massage another man, right?

by OhioDawg on Jan 27, 2009 1:21 PM EST reply actions

Sorry, but if right-wing anti-gay-crusading pastors snorting meth and getting wrecked by gay hookers, then moving to New Orleans — New Orleans — and claiming to be “completely heterosexual” after only three weeks of counseling and “restoration” isn’t funny, then . . . well, maybe one of y’all can explain to me what the fuck is funny, ‘cause apparently I don’t have a clue.

by Doug on Jan 27, 2009 1:21 PM EST reply actions

When did the comment area on EDSBS turn into Deadspin? Who gives a crap whether you think a post is funny or not? If you don’t like it then don’t continue reading it.

by rjsplow on Jan 27, 2009 1:49 PM EST reply actions

@13
Yeh, I’m with ya Doug. If most of the commenters would click on the link for Ted Haggard, then read the Wiki entry, then read the post, the joke is funny as shit. Many are just assuming Orson is writing thru a fake character…which he isnt…. also, if you are gay, like this guy, and trying not to be gay, New Orleans isn’t the place to do it, and while you are at it, trying to break a Meth habit, umm , yeh, New Orleans, not so much…
New Orleans is gayer than_________________________(insert your gay joke here)

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 27, 2009 2:02 PM EST reply actions

Apparently whatever “humor/sarcasm/satire impairment” the uber-serious BC guy had yesterday is spreading. (Oh, and Rev. Ted should have been a Colorado homer and gone with the Buffs).

by jakldawg on Jan 27, 2009 2:06 PM EST reply actions

Best part of the Wiki entry: Pastor Ted going to gay bars and “ministering”……..is that where he met Mike Jones..Who? Mike Jones.Who? MIKE JONES!!!!
Back then, gays didnt want him, now he’s hot, they all on him…….

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 27, 2009 2:07 PM EST reply actions

So…um…does “nine mile run” mean something’s gay? Urban dictionary is uploading really slow and last time I made the mistake of googling “Alabama hot pocket” at work.

by malcolmkass on Jan 27, 2009 3:02 PM EST reply actions

@13 and 15

Agreed. The only place homo-er than N. O. would be the Mayor’s office in Portland.

by meatybob on Jan 27, 2009 3:06 PM EST reply actions

meaty @ #19…“homo-er”…well played.

And all of the seriousness must stop Now, Dammit!

by sb on Jan 27, 2009 3:21 PM EST reply actions

Damn this is funny! Great work!

by LL on Jan 27, 2009 3:28 PM EST reply actions

A Ted Haggard joke? How timely, Orson. Perhaps next week you can have Charles Guiteau talk about unexpected head coach firings. It’ll be a whiz-bang post.

by GTSteve on Jan 27, 2009 5:27 PM EST reply actions

Oh Contraire:

This shit is both funny and prescient. A homosexual joke? Blah. A homosexual in serious denial to the detriment of his mental state and his family’s integrity? Damned sad….and common.

But, and bear me out, when said homosexual in serious denial presumes himself a “spiritual leader” of “America” (e.g., born-again, republican, evangelical, mega church, theology of wealth only, thank you), and THEN said self-denying homosexual is a “spiritual voice” for one of the most mean-spirited, half-assed, intellectually-retarded administrations in history ~~-an admin which ACTIVELY sought to demean, demonize and ridicule said homosexuals -~~ then I say…

Let it rain. Let it rain.

by Der Schatten on Jan 27, 2009 7:29 PM EST reply actions