Put them away when the recruits are around, and just to be sure you don’t get a secondary violation from the NCAA or have to report one yourself, obey the following rules to avoid “Game simulations” of any sort whatsoever.

–Empty stands. (University of Colorado and others as judged acceptable under this term. Hey, don’t blame us: blame Google’s first image result for “empty stands college football.” )

emptystandsbuffs

–Introduce football recruits over loudspeaker…at student parking office administration building.

–Refrain from saying the word “Football” in connection with anything. Instead, make references to “American strategy dashing,” “Collisionball,” “Smashypants,” “Oblate Spheroid Chase,” “Directed Tag,” “Concussery,” “Interesting Rugby,” and “Freedom Crushball.”

–Scoring touchdowns (Syracuse, Auburn, and Mississippi State Universities excepted from this by rule.)

–The presence of cheerleaders in uniform at any event, who must by rule be out of their uniforms. (And not like that, you sad, sad person you.)

–Screaming, incoherent drunks yelling at recruits full bore. (Only permitted if screaming, incoherent drunks are in fact boosters, and they usually are.)