PUT AWAY THE DAMN SMOKE MACHINES

by Orson on Jan 26, 2009 5:58 PM EST

Put them away when the recruits are around, and just to be sure you don't get a secondary violation from the NCAA or have to report one yourself, obey the following rules to avoid "Game simulations" of any sort whatsoever.

--Empty stands. (University of Colorado and others as judged acceptable under this term. Hey, don't blame us: blame Google's first image result for "empty stands college football." )

emptystandsbuffs

--Introduce football recruits over loudspeaker...at student parking office administration building.

--Refrain from saying the word "Football" in connection with anything. Instead, make references to "American strategy dashing," "Collisionball," "Smashypants," "Oblate Spheroid Chase," "Directed Tag," "Concussery," "Interesting Rugby," and "Freedom Crushball."

--Scoring touchdowns (Syracuse, Auburn, and Mississippi State Universities excepted from this by rule.)

--The presence of cheerleaders in uniform at any event, who must by rule be out of their uniforms. (And not like that, you sad, sad person you.)

--Screaming, incoherent drunks yelling at recruits full bore. (Only permitted if screaming, incoherent drunks are in fact boosters, and they usually are.)

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This could not possibly get any more ridiculous (well…), seeing as how we DON’T EVEN USE SMOKE IN ACTUAL GAMES. hisssssss

by Holly on Jan 26, 2009 6:34 PM EST reply actions

I love Smashypants.

Holly, I would be more upset that the Vols DIDN’T USE OFFENSE DURING ACTUAL GAMES last season. Just sayin.

GO GATORS!

by MrRedDevil on Jan 26, 2009 7:15 PM EST reply actions

The funny thing is, that’s the most people EVER at a Colorado football game.

by Brizzle on Jan 26, 2009 7:24 PM EST reply actions

On an up note, there are no ‘girls was also romancing each other’ at home games.

by Wozzo the Wonder Dog on Jan 26, 2009 7:25 PM EST reply actions

A football is more properly described as a prolate spheroid, dumbass.

by Snot Johnson on Jan 26, 2009 7:50 PM EST reply actions

I don’t understand why this happened to two former SC assistants within a week of one another. There’s probably a reasonable explanation – like, someone misunderstood Kiffykins when he made a comment about blowing smoke up people’s asses, and Sarkisian was just trying to provide cover for recruits so they couldn’t be spotted publicly considering the shame fest that is Husky football.

by DC Trojan on Jan 26, 2009 8:16 PM EST reply actions

This must have been the one question Lane Kiffin got wrong on his NCAA test.

by Gator Mike on Jan 26, 2009 9:14 PM EST reply actions

This seems to me like a rule designed to “keep” things “fair” when the very nature of recruitment puts them at a greater disadvantage than their competitors could ever hope to inflict. If anyone here has ever been Greek, this is the analogue of when you couldn’t be seen speaking to a freshman until he’d had time to meet the lameasses he wouldn’t pledge with a gun to his head.

by This Guy on Jan 27, 2009 12:46 AM EST reply actions

God hates UT

by King Harvest on Jan 27, 2009 7:41 AM EST reply actions

Other potential violations of game day simulations not listed:

-Allowing recruits to visit Michigan Stadium at any point during daylight hours (they dont have lights, in case you didn’t know)

-Consuming any fried foods in Baton Rouge, up to and including Fried Mineral Water.

-Boating Under the Influence.

-Allowing anouncers on the Florida campus to completely ignore the recruits and instead testify for the Right Reverend Tim T. Messiah

by CincySooner on Jan 27, 2009 8:58 AM EST reply actions

So, since the cheerleaders have to be out of uniform….I guess that means most of WfVU will have to show up in the other unis, their Waffle House uniforms …..

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 27, 2009 9:01 AM EST reply actions

@11
that was supposed to read “most of WfVU’s cheerleaders”, but “most of WfVU” will still work anyway….

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 27, 2009 9:14 AM EST reply actions

I second the vote for Smashypants …. it just sounds naughty.

by Croc on Jan 27, 2009 9:25 AM EST reply actions

I vote for the alternate name of football to be “Fuzzy Memories With Major Wright”..and for the record, the Kids Bop15 commercial creeps me out….

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 27, 2009 10:14 AM EST reply actions

To be fair, I was at that CU game in 07’ and we left early to save the players the embarrassment of getting publicly executed by the booger eater in front of hordes of people.

by cuzach on Jan 27, 2009 11:00 AM EST reply actions