OVERLOOKED QUANTITIES IN COLLEGE ATHLETES IN THE DRAFT: SLOWS

by Orson on Jan 23, 2009 11:05 AM EST

Slows: they're truly rare. Some players may flirt with slows, and others may have sluggish periods in their history, but the prejudice towards "speed" and "agility" has unfairly pushed the rich and luxurious pleasure of slowness to the side.

The luxurious running of the great Jared Lorenzen: slows at their most beautiful.

Take the boldly unrapid running of 1990s Florida quarterback Noah Brindise, for example. Unfairly pigeonholed as a non-prospect for his "eccentric" throwing motion, "natural flak jacket" physique, and "conspicuous lack of ability," scouts overlooked Brindise's most outstanding skill.

We speak of course about his astonishing, unreal slows.

An athlete with compelling slows cannot merely run slightly behind the pack. No, he has to have the special talent to make the average look quicksilver, to make thin air seem like knee-high mud he is mired in, to make even the mundane act of taking a snap seem like it's taking place in an underwater football game observed through the glass of an enormous aquarium. He has to make continental drift look like rabbits fucking. He has to make sloths impatient. He has to be...dare we say...Marino-esque.

As an athlete with 6.09 speed, we know this from experience: slows are something you're born with, and cannot acquire as an adult. It's something you just have--ask Jared Lorenzen, a qb who broke loose from the huddle like a chunk of glacial ice slowly shearing off and splashing down into icy waters, or the great Chris Weinke, whose immense slows contributed greatly to the success of the FSU offense at the turn of the century. (Having no ability to go anywhere, he had to hang in the pocket. Running was not ill-advised, so much as it was not an option.)

Bringing us to Todd Boeckman, the Ohio State qb gently described as "very immobile" by NFL scouts. Own that, son. When they make line you up at the combine...power-walk that motherfucker. Then throw a perfect bullet of a deep out through the nearest 300 pound scout and walk away to the nearest fast car. (Because you've just committed murder, and you're not running away from anyone.)

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That’s actually a video of Lorenzen isn’t it?

by ChasingMizzou on Jan 23, 2009 11:16 AM EST reply actions

BRAVO! Pure brilliance…. was born with tremendous speed but alas, white, 5’9" and 125 lb., right out of high school… college track and cross country called. Lorenzen was an all-time “slow” fav…. could he actually “meander” a 40-time? Or would that be a mosey?

by The Holy Grail on Jan 23, 2009 11:17 AM EST reply actions

Like Steve Austin without the bionic sounds

by Me on Jan 23, 2009 11:26 AM EST reply actions

Bernie Kosar approves this message.

by PeayHog on Jan 23, 2009 11:27 AM EST reply actions

Brandon Cox was the doped-up Ben Johnson of slows.

by Bowden's Sansabelts on Jan 23, 2009 11:29 AM EST reply actions

Ah, the Pillsbury Throwboy, the Round Mound of Touchdown, the Battleship Lorenzen.

Like Coach O should be on a college coaching staff, he needs to be on a roster somewhere, just because.

by Signal to Noise on Jan 23, 2009 11:32 AM EST reply actions

Even Florida had a tough time tackling the Round Mound of Touchdown during his Kentucky heyday, primarily because he was covered in bacon grease, thus difficult to put one’s arms around.

One think that could make J-Lo move with the quickness: half price Wednesdays at Ryan’s.

by Bob Loblaw on Jan 23, 2009 11:33 AM EST reply actions

Someone tell me why a Left Tackle is parading around as a QB? If he wants to be slow and rich, he needs to be a relief Pitcher in the MLB for the Yankees….
I would like to see some form of the Wildcat Package with J-Lo and Terrance Cody in the NFL in 2010…….Make.It.Happen. J-Lo at QB, Cody as the Tailback, either faking the handoff, taking the handoff, or let J-Lo roll out, letting Cody go open in the flat would be great for football. Or hell, have an attempt at the Speed Option where Cody trails J-Lo before the pitch….Hilarity ensues……..

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 23, 2009 11:48 AM EST reply actions

Lorenzen was definitely slow, but he gave the most marvelous piggy back rides.

by fresh on Jan 23, 2009 11:59 AM EST reply actions

Who among the Gators can forget the 2003 game at Lexington in which Lorenzen single-handedly won the game for Florida when he threw the interception? It was [Name Redacted’s] first year as head coach if I am not mistaken.

by hobeg8r on Jan 23, 2009 12:17 PM EST reply actions

Someone said that J-Lo was good “in space”, because he moved like he was on the moon……

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 23, 2009 12:34 PM EST reply actions

Lorenzen was always the funnest QB to watch, and watching NASA satellites orbit around him was fun too. If he’d have broken his leg over somebodys head, gravy would’ve poured out.

by DrB on Jan 23, 2009 1:12 PM EST reply actions

Some are born to be drafted as athletes, but only the elite can be drafted as developmental projects.

by LSUKevin on Jan 23, 2009 1:14 PM EST reply actions

I remember the Giants would bring him in just for QB sneaks.

Johnny Lamar is always thankful for the gift.

by Kerwin4two on Jan 23, 2009 1:58 PM EST reply actions

I’d like to put in a mention for USC’s own Rob Johnson, whose primary appeal to the pros – after playing behind a porous SC offensive line – was that he could take a sack and hold onto the ball. I don’t think that I ever saw him even try and make a break for freedom.

by DC Trojan on Jan 23, 2009 2:29 PM EST reply actions

Well-played

Anyone remember when UK was putting money into a pre-season J-Lo for Heisman campaign?

I just remember when he would pull the ball down and head for the first down marker with all the slow God gave him. After each play he’d get right back up and head for the huddle, yard after lumbering yard.

It was like watching a nature show where the conservationists shoot some grizzly bear in the ass with a tranq dart only to have it take of running. Every time the bear trips and falls they’d think it was time to tag his ear, only to have the bear improbably get up and start crashing through the forest again.

by CincySooner on Jan 23, 2009 2:39 PM EST reply actions

@DC

Rudy Carpenter is the president of the Rob Johnson fan club.

by CincySooner on Jan 23, 2009 2:42 PM EST reply actions

I’ll see your Boeckman and raise you a Nate Hybl.

Hybl replaced Heupel as OU’s quarterback before going on to serve on two NFL scout teams, and finally landed in the now-defunct NFL europe.

While he did garner a Rose Bowl MVP, he is mostly remembered at Oklahoma for perfecting the “Aww, Hell” Offense.

by CincySooner on Jan 23, 2009 2:50 PM EST reply actions

Re: Lorenzen, from Wikipedia…

" […] Guy Morriss left to become the head coach at Baylor University and was replaced by Rich Brooks, who designed plays where Lorenzen lined up as a receiver while Shane Boyd played quarterback. "

Does anyone know if this is a joke?

by owls and gophs and craep on Jan 23, 2009 3:20 PM EST reply actions

When I watch Lorenzen run, I have imaginary music in my brain that plays the tune of that big Abominable Snowman from Daffy Duck:

:Abominable Snowman: D’oh! What a cute little pink bunny rabbit!
[picks up Daffy]
Abominable Snowman: Just what I always wanted. My own little bunny rabbit! I will name him George, and I will hug him, and pet him, and squeeze him.
Daffy: I’m not a bunny rabbit.
Abominable Snowman: And pat him, and pet him, and…
Daffy: You’re hurting me… put me down, please.
Abominable Snowman: And rub him, and caress him, and…
Daffy: I AIN’T NO BUNNY RABBIT!

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 23, 2009 4:44 PM EST reply actions

What, no mention of Fat Freddie Kitchens, he of the 12oz curl?

by El Kabong!!! on Jan 23, 2009 5:24 PM EST reply actions

@ cincysooner- Andrew Walter is the past-president. Ah, A-Dub. *single tear

And to correct several commenters, it’s spelled and pronounced “J-Load,” one of my all time favorite cfb nicknames.

by Big Jon on Jan 23, 2009 9:23 PM EST reply actions

my 2 new favorite words are “failstank” and “unrapid”.

by geno on Jan 24, 2009 11:56 PM EST reply actions

oh yeah, and VERY WELL PLAYED #1. still chuckling over that one.

by geno on Jan 24, 2009 11:57 PM EST reply actions

Slows is an overrated skill, every year scouts at the combine fall in love with a prospect that has ’unreal slows", only to watch them bust…Former Trojan wide receiver Mike Williams comes to mind…

by www.southbendblarney.com on Jan 25, 2009 5:58 PM EST reply actions

#19,

yes, it is a joke. Unfortunately, it was a joke on those of us with UK season tickets. Brooks has done well
the last few years, but he cant be forgiven for wasting Lorenzen’s and Abney’s senior year.

by gtne91 on Jan 26, 2009 9:45 AM EST reply actions

First off, well done #1- awesome…

And that is actually surprising about Boeckman, who, despite his outward “Michigan QBish” appearance was surprisingly fast, even beating Troy Smith in the QB 40 sprints in spring practice 2006. Of course, what Troy Smith had in pocket awareness and avoidance, Boecks does…um not…

by Pants McPants on Jan 26, 2009 11:09 AM EST reply actions