JIM TRESSEL’S VACATION: THE RETURN HOME
Jim Tressel is finishing the final leg of his journey home from a worldwide walkabout. He sold his passport for entry into a man-dog fighting tournament in Afghanistan, but borders are but figments of the imagination for the brave and determined.
THE UNITED STATES/MEXICAN BORDER. 9:12 a.m. MEXICAN SIDE
A crowd of migrant workers headed north mills around on a desolate patch of yellow earth covered in scrub. Three sad strings of rusty barbed wire mark the border. There is a sudden stir in the crowd. The men focus on a single hooded figure walking through the crowd carrying a jug of water.
Mexican one: Mira, mira! (points) Es El Escarlata!
Mexican one: El Escarlata! El Escarlata! Usted es una leyenda!
Mexican two: El Escarlata! Impregnar mi esposa! Por favor!
Mexican three: Pis en mi dedos de los pies! Sería una bendición, El Escarlata!
Mexican three! Por favor, díganos las verdades esenciales del universo El Escarlata!
A silence falls. El Escarlata pauses, and then intones these words.
El Escarlata: Ha sido 1889 días desde Michigan derrotados del Universidad de Estado de Ohio. Now out of my way. There’s a hot lassie with gorilla fever in Columbus, Ohio. She needs a banana, and I’ve got one to give her.
In unison: VIVA EL ESCARLATA!!! VIVA EL ESCARLATA!!!! VIVA EL ESCARLATA!!!
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1
Dwigt says:
Baxter, you know I don’t speak Spanish. In English please…
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
2
Idahobuckeye says:
Wow…”She needs a banana and I’ve got one to give her”…
I don’t recall reading this in the Winner’s Manual…is this a preview for a sequel book?
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
3
BJ says:
I guess we’ll never get that Asian sex vacation installment
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
4
itssnowingagain says:
my rough translation:
“El Escarlata! El Escarlata! Usted es una leyenda! ”
The scarlet [one]! you are a legend!
El Escarlata! Impregnar mi esposa! Por favor!
The scarlet [one]! please impregnate my wife!
Pis en mi dedos de los pies! Sería una bendición, El Escarlata
Place your toes in my pies! it would be a blessing, the scarlet [one]!
Por favor, díganos las verdades esenciales del universo El Escarlata
Please tell us the essential truths of the universe, the scarlet [one]!
El Escarlata: Ha sido 1889 días desde Michigan derrotados del Universidad de Estado de Ohio
It has been 1889 days since U of M has beaten tOSU
great stuff here. El Escarlata. classic.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
5
HymanMotherfuckingRoth says:
You know that fuckers got a gallon of ripple in that jug, and a baggie full of Mexican stankweed in his pocket.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
6
Danny Wuerffel's Helmet says:
Maybe you did it on purpose, but, for what it matters, the correct version in Spanish would be:
Mexican one: El Escarlata! El Escarlata! Usted es una leyenda!
Mexican two: El Escarlata! Impregne a mi esposa! Por favor!
Mexican three: Orine en mis dedos de los pies! Sería una bendición, El Escarlata!
Mexican three! Por favor, díganos las verdades esenciales del universo El Escarlata!
A silence falls. El Escarlata pauses, and then intones these words.
El Escarlata: Han sido 1889 días desde que Michigan fue derrotado por la Universidad del Estado de Ohio. Now out of my way. There’s a hot lassie with gorilla fever in Columbus, Ohio. She needs a banana, and I’ve got one to give her.
…sorry. I won’t do it again.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:22 pm
7
Orson Swindle says:
@ DWH
[/throwing barstool at you]
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
8
Danny Wuerffel's Helmet says:
Well, now that I re-read it, this part:
Mexican three: Pis en mi dedos de los pies! Sería una bendición, El Escarlata!
Should be: “Pise en mis dedos de los pies!”
I thought you meant “Pis” as in the Argentine expression for “urine”.
Aaaaaaaaaanyway… I dodged the barstool, picked it up and threw it back to you, sir.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:25 pm
9
kleph says:
i loath google translator.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
10
yoyofutbawl says:
Only 1,889 days? It’s been 4,609 days since the Irving Cowgirls won a PLAYOFF game. (Just had to throw that in).
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
11
Croc says:
I wanted Jim to do battle with the legendary Chupacabra – with or without the bannana.
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
12
WarChiziken says:
muchas gracias Senor Swindle – me gusto mucho
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:08 pm
13
Crabapple Buck says:
I bow to you Senor Swindle. Mucho Gracias!
Viva Tressel!
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:47 pm
14
maskedavenger says:
I hope El Escarlata gets a nasty case of the runs for drinking that water.
January 24th, 2009 at 9:40 am
15
Anonymous IV says:
Orson my man if you need help with Spanish here is:
First off most undocumented native Spansh speakers would not use El Escarlata, but El Colorado.
The Ohio State University would be La Universidad Estatal de Ohio.
Also the use of El Colorado wold be paying homage to “La Banda del carro rojo” by “Los Tigres del Norte,”
which deals with drug smuggling. There is also a movie based on that corrido in which everyone dies.
January 24th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
16
Anonymous IV says:
I am rather disappointed that El Colorado did not have any action in South east Asia or a stare down with Putin.
January 24th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
17
GTL says:
Google Translator is epic. And Glorious.
So very useful.
January 24th, 2009 at 9:32 pm