THE EDSBS INAUGURAL SPEECH, 2009
by Orson on Jan 20, 2009 2:48 PM EST
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HT: Kleph, via Paste's Obamiconme widget.
[/placeshandonATHFSeasonThreeDVDcollection]
I stand here before you humbled by your choice as your college football meta-chronicler. Literally hundreds of you stand before me today. I will not forget your choice; nor will I remove the annoying Zwinky ads, because they get us that paper, son.
We stand on the edge of a great precipice: the offseason. We have have faced such travails before, and will face them again. Know that we will face them bravely, and that with the help of discounted Spanish wines, drank, online pornography, recruiting service reports, spring football, and endless previewing and re-previewing, we will survive...weakened, sunburned, and likely with five new addictions, but nevertheless intact and ready for the sweet, nourishing magic teat of football to be thrust in our mouths once more.
We promise the following things as we take hold of another offseason:
1. We will uphold the Fulmer Cup. We will not yield to the urge to change the name, nor slacken our eyes' fixed gaze on the point total, nor be held in thrall by the desire to be unfair to one team. As always, we shall be unfair to all and aggressively so. If this be our Old Testament, we shall play the smite-y god of this chapter with zeal.
2. We shall attempt to follow recruiting sort of maybe okay we'll gloss over it. Recruiting is creepy and will always be, but it is all we have in this tired hour, so let it be covered. Sort of. As in, we'll pay attention to the interesting bits about recruits with interesting names and flashy stats. Also, our top story is going to be whatever BARKEVIOUS MINGO is doing right now, which happens to be: dozing off in sixth period geography.
3. We swear to swear. We will invent and employ new profanities with fucking zeal and shitdamned enthusiasm. The key remains Rabelaisian, which is the frilly term for "obsessed with farting, fucking, and using words like fucking" It sounds better when you drop that at cocktail parties than saying "I run a website for the elegantly crude college football fan."
4. We will unabashedly remain uncommitted on both the BCS and playoff fronts, thus allowing us to stab in all directions. We don't really care about a clear champion in college football, mostly because we think the idea of being intellectually singular about almost anything at all is sort of peasant-y and tardbillified, and also because the idea of a playoff means you could have the Arizona Cardinals scenario where a middling team hits a hot streak at the end of a the season and steals a championship...all despite having an average season overall. Also, it allows for maximum stabbiness, and as long as Holly's on board, that remains part of the mission statement.
5. Nothing else changes. Pretty much. There may be a site redesign, and there's offseason projects a-plenty, but for the most part it will remain Freekery, profanity, actual stories embedded in the fourth paragraph of a mock dialogue between a sex offender Basilisk and a football-related personality, and the occasional thing so bizarre it frightens you a bit. We won't crack on stupid bloggers or writers for the most part because we believe in the words of P.J. O'Rourke: "Never fight an inanimate object." It's like beating a chaise lounge with a sledgehammer, repetitive and always eliciting the same reaction from the furniture.
Let us remember the words of Cthulhu bless you, and may Cthulhu bless the United States of EDSBS, and postpone our inevitable destruction by his thousand eyed tentacles for another day. (It's either him or Orgeron, and it's inevitable either way.)
And now, for our invocation, brought to you by Rick Warren.
Rick Warren: Lord, let us--
[/hits Rick Warren in the face with the flat side of a fucking shovel.]
Amen, good people of EDSBS. Tim Tebow loves you.
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Comments
As we stand on the unnerving precipice that is the offseason….. oh God can someone make a hibernation machine?!?!?!?
by BurritoBrosShits on Jan 20, 2009 2:57 PM EST reply actions
It’s awesomer if you read it in Obama’s voice and cadence
by Darkknight on Jan 20, 2009 3:04 PM EST reply actions
The flat side of the shovel?
tsk, tsk,…a lawya truly ready to lead would have done it edge-wise.
…. you know, for the stabbiness
by CincySooner on Jan 20, 2009 3:07 PM EST reply actions
Needs more Antithesis. Also can we get a fucking siren? No reason in particular, just want one.
by Kerwin4two on Jan 20, 2009 3:12 PM EST reply actions
Where’s the messed up poetry? the one with blogfrican-american thinly veiled references to forced typing and editing without pay? and how about the weird classical music that went on way past the point of uncomfortably confusing the crowd, when we have loads of soul and r/b talent to rock the crowd? and where is the hip hop prayer? the one that says
“black is back,all in, we’re gonna win, check it out, yeah ya’ll, here we go again…AMEN!”
Here is to 4 more years of SEC Domination! I still think Tebow could be the first Islamic-Republican, though…..
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 20, 2009 3:13 PM EST reply actions
Only 5,468 hours, 42 minutes until the Gators come running out of the tunnel. [Holds head in despair]
by hobeg8r on Jan 20, 2009 3:23 PM EST reply actions
I understand that I am a citizen of a dictatorship and not a democracy. However, may I plead to our benevolent overlord that he may bestow unto his lowly constituents a bit of offseason cheesecake. I noticed it was absent from the list of promises. I’m not trying to be greedy and realize that ritual cheesecake can get tiresome. Just that the ole work boss frowns upon certain sites but turns a blind eye to the college football sites. It would be nice to combine the two. Just a little, every now and then. Please.
by beerbaron on Jan 20, 2009 3:30 PM EST reply actions
But we will be happy to post pictures of actual slices of cheesecake with legs anytime you like.
by Orson Swindle on Jan 20, 2009 3:36 PM EST reply actions
Not to be argumentative, but cheesecake is not what makes the big lead suck. It’s just not a good site.
I do understand and respect not wanting this fine establishment compared to that dump and if cheesecake is the line, so be it.
by beerbaron on Jan 20, 2009 3:40 PM EST reply actions
I for one, welcome our new loafer overlord.
by Crabapple Buck on Jan 20, 2009 3:40 PM EST reply actions
I’ll take mine on the first thursday of the month.
by beerbaron on Jan 20, 2009 3:41 PM EST reply actions
Can’t Hayley LaFontaine have a regular off season column? She could chronicle the leisure pursuits of Barkevious and Les Miles’ incessant pursuit of mo’ taffy.
by yoyofutbawl on Jan 20, 2009 3:44 PM EST reply actions
You omitted references to “hope” and “change”…bra-fucking-vo!
by sb on Jan 20, 2009 3:55 PM EST reply actions
easily dodges feeble shovel attack
ninja-kicks Orson in the groin
by Rick Warren on Jan 20, 2009 4:07 PM EST reply actions
“…ready for the sweet, nourishing magic teat of football to be thrust in our mouths once more.”
or, the alternate, more flavory version…
“…ready for the rancid, barren festering hind-teat of football to be thrust in the ArpBrigade’s mouths once more.”
by NativeSon on Jan 20, 2009 4:07 PM EST reply actions
Granted I haven’t worked in manual labor for a while, but can one side of a shovel be any more or less flat than the other?
by Herb on Jan 20, 2009 4:08 PM EST reply actions
Little known fact…Barkevious Mingo is merely the earthly name of the Ram God Rueben Randle worships.
To say his true name would cause a Tex Avery-style head explosion.
by Billy From Baton Rouge on Jan 20, 2009 4:10 PM EST reply actions
What happened to that “a bunda in every pot” candidate?
by WarDamnEagle on Jan 20, 2009 4:18 PM EST reply actions
A pressing concern: is the Subcom. Wayne still a citizen?
Please say yes.
by NRBQ on Jan 20, 2009 4:24 PM EST reply actions
4 more years! With a school option to extend this site 4 additional years!
by Rawk on Jan 20, 2009 4:25 PM EST reply actions
“with the help of discounted Spanish wines, drank, online pornography, recruiting service reports, spring football, and endless previewing and re-previewing, we will survive”
But seriously folks, mostly online pornography, recruiting when the S.O. is in the room
by poguemahone on Jan 20, 2009 4:37 PM EST reply actions
My first born son will be named Barkevious Ndamukong Barack Abdul-Rauf now.
by Brizzle on Jan 20, 2009 4:45 PM EST reply actions
…and O., your pic at the top looks suspiciously like Spaulding of “Caddyshack”. I hope any similarity is merely coincidental, although my lesbian buddhist psychic frowns on such mundane causal sources…
by sb on Jan 20, 2009 4:58 PM EST reply actions
And what’s wrong with Tex Avery-style head explosions, Billy from that place Les Miles actually owns a home? As a Bama fan I take offense at this back-handed stab at Nick Saban. (I’m working on a set of pulsing Saban forehead veins—soon to be on sale at a Spencer’s Gifts near you.)
There again, I’ve taken offense at everything since the facemask against Don’ta Hightower in the SEC CG. And the offseason is not helping.
Can I start making “Frank Beamer’s jaw looks weird” jokes yet?
by Counter Trap on Jan 20, 2009 4:59 PM EST reply actions
That image reminded me of Hunter S. Thompson right away. And I, too, wondered if it’s coincidental.
Orson?
by NRBQ on Jan 20, 2009 5:02 PM EST reply actions
“We will uphold the Fulmer Cup. We will not yield to the urge to change the name…”
dammit!
by etsuVol on Jan 20, 2009 5:11 PM EST reply actions
It’s never too early to start laying our your agenda for the coming year. For example, for the Coke Orgy bet, the loser has to go to their next home game wearing this.
by Brian O'Blivion on Jan 20, 2009 5:20 PM EST reply actions
Is Stranko dead? Did you pull a Vince Foster on his ass?
by Whohah on Jan 20, 2009 5:22 PM EST reply actions
“Ask not what college football can do for you-ask what you can do for college football”
“We have nothing to fear but the off season itself”
Mr Saban, tear down this wall!
That’s all I gots right now
by samsquantch on Jan 20, 2009 5:24 PM EST reply actions
@44
“I am not a crook!” – PAC 10 refs
by Never Leave College on Jan 20, 2009 5:27 PM EST reply actions
“I have seen the future, and it is the QB waggle for 5 yards to the tight end.” — Jim Tressel.
by Counter Trap on Jan 20, 2009 5:32 PM EST reply actions
Jim Tressel is becoming Mike Debord at an alarming rate.
by poguemahone on Jan 20, 2009 5:47 PM EST reply actions
“I did not let my players have sex with that woman.” – Gary Barnett
by Never Leave College on Jan 20, 2009 5:51 PM EST reply actions
@1BBS
I recommend trying several cases of the Chinon (Olga Raffault would be my choice) to try and create a reasonable facsimile of that hibernation machine.
by marcillac on Jan 20, 2009 6:11 PM EST reply actions
Not gonna lie…I’m more fired up about this offseason after reading this. Well, that and a little something about Tebow and the entire Gator defense coming back next season.
Asscrackdafuckblow!
by b-ho on Jan 20, 2009 8:23 PM EST reply actions
“…and also because the idea of a playoff means you could have the Arizona Cardinals scenario where a middling team hits a hot streak at the end of a the season and steals a championshipÂ…all despite having an average season overall.”
With a four team playoff, that wouldn’t be the case. There have been a few two-loss teams in the BCS top four, but they all either champions of a power conference or had a tough non-conference schedule.
by John on Jan 20, 2009 9:21 PM EST reply actions
“[/placeshandonATHFSeasonThreeDVDcollection]”
On the sixth day, Ignignokt created the 400th dimension. And it was good beyond all of your inferior earthly comprehension.
by THETexasStateUniversity on Jan 20, 2009 9:27 PM EST reply actions
“I run a website for the elegantly crude college football fan.”
That’s the best “elevator pitch” I’ve heard in months. It’s a damn shame there’s no venture capital left. (The banks and Charlie Weis ate it all.)
by DevilGrad on Jan 20, 2009 9:32 PM EST reply actions
finally, a wine discussion on a college football blog, thus bringing together the two things that get me drunk and make me happy.
Raffault’s Chinons are for queers and steers, and you don’t look much like a cow to me. Rabelais toasted with Charles Joguet, a man’s Chinon.
by dzop on Jan 20, 2009 10:14 PM EST reply actions
“First, I believe that this Dawgnation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing UGA on the moon…err, winning a national championship…and returning him safely to the earth. No single space project in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important for the long-range exploration of recruiting; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish”.
by DawgBoy83 on Jan 21, 2009 1:13 AM EST reply actions
Ah, poetry. I don’t even know what Rabelaisian is and I had to look it up.
by Lance on Jan 21, 2009 3:12 AM EST reply actions
Your thoughts on the value of AN UNDISPUTED NATIONAL CHAMPION are dead on. None of these proposals will work. Ever. It’s not that they won’t improve the situation by much, it’s that they’ll make it worse by promising improvement and not delivering. Instant replay anyone?
Some shameless self promotion would be appreciated – let us know when your stuff goes up at TSN or anywhere else.
by OhioDawg on Jan 21, 2009 10:11 AM EST reply actions
I think the BCS should do like boxing, have 3 different Championship Belts, then try to unify them on pay-per view, and have a team know as “the best pound per pound football team, the world has ever seen”
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jan 21, 2009 3:31 PM EST reply actions
Mr Blog-O-dent, I suggest we have a baseball like “Best of 5 games” playoff… I believe we could stretch the season all the way to say, July if we were lucky
by WarChiziken on Jan 21, 2009 3:42 PM EST reply actions
……………………….
God, how fuckinshitty is this? We have to endure the athletic deserts of golf and baseball for months and months on end until the battle cries of Tim Tebow echo from the Swamps of Flor*da to the Bays of Washington to the tiny, tiny brain of Orgeron. Until the glasses of His Vestiness cast an uber-squintiness factor of 9,000 across the embattled lands of the Big10(11)…
Until the days of war, guts and Glorious BCS Chaos return (FUCK PLAYOFFS), I shall depart forthwith to the deep underground fortress of YouTubia, to shelter myself from the evils of the offseason.
Hail!
by Idahobuckeye on Jan 21, 2009 9:42 PM EST reply actions
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