A FUN GAME FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

[SCENE: KELLY AND TODD'S HOUSE. Game night. They have invited JIM and BOB over for a game the whole family can enjoy because Trivial Pursuit is only fun for smart people.]

Bob: So, how does this work?

Kelly: Okay, Bob and Jim. In the fun-for-everyone game of Cranium, the final round is decided by one question we determine at random with a roll of the die.

Jim: Sounds easy enough. And familiar.

Kelly: It should. Now, all you have to do is answer the one question, and you'll have won the game.

Todd: Please get this right guys. I'm so tired of this game. No one except the women want to play it, and it takes FOREVER.

Bob: Don't worry, Todd. Jim and I are gonna have us outta here in two shakes, buddy. Roll!

[Forty-five minutes pass. Todd sits at the table with his head in his hands.]

Todd: Okay, let's see if you can get this one. "ZELPUZ." Unscramble these letters, and you'll have the answer.

Jim: No sweat. We got "cattle" earlier. This should be easy. Let's go, Big Game!

Bob: Right behind you, Senator.

Jim: This is ours. I can feel it.

Todd: Okay, here's your word. The clue is "activity." Turn over the timer and....GO!!!

[The card reads: "Sdtgtetriianiiop" The answer is "prestidigitation." They will not get this in a thousand rolls of a thousand dice in the casinos of a very blue and improbable hell.]

Jim: That's harder than cattle.

Bob: Yes. Yes it is.

[Three hours later.]

Jim: I swear I one one of these games once.

Bob: Okay, we're gonna get it. What is it? Kelly? WAKE UP KELLY.

Kelly: [picks head off desk.] UM--sorry. I was nodding off there. Guys, we really don't have to finish this--

Todd: [surrounded by beer bottles] Yeah, seriously guys. We don't--

Jim and Bob: YES WE DO WE HAVE TO WIN THE FINAL ROUND.

Kelly: But Todd and I won hours ago. Remember? I sensosketched "bus stop," and we got the last one?

Jim: I don't remember that.

Bob: Funny, I don't remember that either.

[Todd and Kelly look at each other.]

Kelly: Okay, the last question, and then you leave.

Jim: Fine, fine. Just ask the question.

Todd: It's a humdinger. Hum the song. Leave our house it's 2:30 in the morning. Bob, you're humming.

Jim: But I like to hum, Todd---

Todd: YOU SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP TRESSEL. Bob is humming, and then he's leaving and we're calling game.

Jim: Well, okay then.

Todd: Here's the card. Go. Then leave before I call the police.

[Bob takes the card. It reads: "Hot Blooded," by Foreigner. ]

Bob: Oh, we've got this.

[Bob Stoops stands up and begins humming out the guitar line and playing enthusiastic air guitar to the song.]

Bob: MMM MMM mmm...MMM mm MMMM MMMMMHHHHH...

Jim: I'm...I'm sorry. I just listen to gospel and country. Is this a gospel song? Can we have another question?

Kelly: LEAVE.

Bob: No, wait! We can get this! Can we do one with the putty? Those are fun!

Jim: Yeah, the play-doh stuff. We're good at those.

Kelly: I'm dialing 9 and 1 and waiting for you to leave.

Jim and Bob: WHY DOES THIS FEEL FAMILIAR?

Todd: I hate this fucking game.