DAVID “GREEN” AKERS FROM…FROM…BLAM BLAM BLAM
Opening kickoff and WHOOOOP!!! Down to the 35 yard line and David Akers from…from….
Tom Jackson: (sighs) Louisville.
Berman: Tom, Jesus, sound like you gotta pair. Edit that out. Let’s keep going.
Jackson: …
Berman…and the pick by Fred “Rockin!” Robbins! Tweet! Tweet! Tweedly-deet!
Jackson: Heh. Heh.
Berman: Cut. CUT! TJ, you gonna join the land of the living here? I make a funny, and you’re giving me the half-heh. I need a full chuckle out of you to make this happen. You’re here to laugh at me and talk a little football. You ready, Chuckles?
Jackson: Yeah. I’m…I’m ready.
Berman: Why are you wearing a white tux, by the way?
Jackson: I’m going to a party in a minute.
Berman: Hey, are you gonna get your man Boomer in on that party?
Jackson: Oh, I will. I just have to wiggle my finger and you’ll be in.
Berman. All right. Now let’s see some first-rate second banana action here, TJ. Now that’s McNabb to Buckhalter! GENERAL BUCKHALTER!!! KLINK! YOU’RE AN IDIOT!!!
Jackson: That Hogan’s Heroes reference does it. I’m inviting you to the party right now, Boomer. WHOOOOP!!!! Would it pain you to mention something that happened after 1990? DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING ANNOYING THAT NOISE IS?
Berman: What? My WHOOOOO—
Jackson: Finger. Wiggling.
Jackson: TAKE YOUR BUSTED ASS BOOMER SCHTICK TO HELL, BERMAN! STRAIGHT TO FIERY HELL, YOU FAT BASTARD! OR SHOULD I SAY, BACK BACK BACK TO HELL, ASSHOLE!!!
God it’s going to suck watching NFL football for the next tree weeks just because of the people who cover it. Especially Chris Berman.
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1
JD4AU says:
Sad what happened to Boomer. I actually enjoyed his work back-in-the-day as one of the original Sports Center guys.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
2
suicidewatch says:
i wonder how often these exact thoughts cross Jackson’s mind.
as much as i truly loathe Berman, i still think Kornheiser owns him in the annoying department…but thankfully monday night football is finally over.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
3
marcillac says:
LSUfreek screwed up on this one. Berman isn’t nearly that slim. Even after his new diet.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
4
marcillac says:
@suicidewatch – Wwith college football season over and Berman and the NFL ascendant can I might join you at your post.
You’re absolutely right. Furtunately this year the horror of Monday night was often abated by the coincedent proceeding on EDSBS live.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
5
WarCardinals says:
What does it say about men like him and Dick Vitale that the peak of my enjoying them came when I was about 13 years old?
January 12th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
6
Crabapple Buck says:
Berman has been stealing money since 1979. Ever since the mouse took over, ESPN has become even worse, and that was thought impossible. Their CFB crew is at least tolerable, thanks mainly to Rece Davis and Chris Fowler. I want to point my dish toward Bristol and blast them, but I have no clue as to how it works. Eight months before Terrelle Pryor vs. Navy. Thank OTG for EDSBS.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
7
poguemahone says:
I’m going to hate watching NFL football for the next three weeks because I don’t find games ending 13-10 particularly exciting.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
8
FozzieB says:
It’s gonna be tough to downgrade from the steady guidance and piercing insight offered by Thom Brennaman in the BCS.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
9
marcillac says:
@pogue:
Thats the great thing about college football: even 3-2, properly conceived, can be exciting.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
10
BurritoBrosShits says:
I quit the NFL a while ago. ESPN alone has managed to kill my thirst for more football just with Berman and Hoge alone. More Ditka and Dat Dude, who in all seriousness is one of the better analysts to come to ESPN in a while. When is the Spring Game again?!?!?!
January 12th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
11
Texas_Dawg says:
I try my best, but it’s pretty hard not to think less of people when they start talking knowledgeably about NFL football.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
12
etsuVol says:
My sentiments exactly!
At least twice this NFL season I’ve tried to look for a Chris Berman email so I can send him a note; I just can’t watch his recaps anymore.
“Dear Chris,
Why do you WHOOP feel the need to WHOOP constantly yell during WHOOP highlights? Do any WHOOP of the other ESPN commentators WHOOP do that? WHOOP No, they WHOOPWHOOPWHOOP do not.”
January 12th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
13
WTF Calls Him Boomer? says:
Chris Berman was, is, and always will be the absolute worse announcer in the history of anything that ever described anything.
He would make Helen Keller gouge her ears out.
He’s worse than Kirk Herbstreit taking anal froma strap-on wearing Pam Ward while slurping on ten million Brent Musberger Schlongs.
turble
January 12th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
14
CincySooner says:
Bullet-Proof Truffle Shuffle… you… are… not… ready…
January 12th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
15
Harris says:
I don’t care if the announcers are Porky Pig, Ben Stein and Himmler so long as the Eagles keep winning.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
16
Brizzle says:
Berman is all that is wrong and evil with ABC/ESPN/Disney incarnate. He probably eats puppies while watching “crush” porn.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
17
meatybob says:
Just when I am beginning to think that there isn’t a big Jewish conspricy to destroy the world, I am forced to remember that Chris Berman is famous.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
18
bamagreg says:
WTF Callshimboomer –that’s a fucking visual i may never forget.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
19
rosie palm says:
Chunk from Goonies was the student body president my freshman year at Cal.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
20
Dr. Strange says:
I can remember a time when Monday Night Football was an event. Those days are long gone, replaced by a shit souffle of Mike Tirico, Chris Berman, Stu Scott and his lazy eye. Didn’t watch it once this season. Absolutely awful.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
21
Lawrence says:
Where can I contribute to the LSUFreek fund? Seriously. I get too much damn enjoyment from his work.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:36 am
22
Albino Tornado says:
WarCardinal @4 :
That’s their the sportscasting equivalent of pro rassling — all bombast, heavily scripted, and pandering to the least common denominator?
(Spare me your “it’s real” or “it’s athletic” speech, Mullet Nation.)
January 13th, 2009 at 7:40 am
23
kleph says:
if you think espn is unwatchable now, just wait till march.
January 13th, 2009 at 10:24 am
24
al-d says:
Many many of the people ESPN picks up because they are former players are flat out terrible. As a Gator I try and hide my shame after every MNF when they throw Emmett a softball and he herky jerky stumbles his way through it. Most of their NFL guys suck. Ron Jaworski and Steve Young are actually pretty good but they are in the minority. Couldn’t find the video/audio of the speech by Howard Cosell so I’ll paraphrase. “You have a straight A student who ran the student newspaper, he ran the student radio station, he ran the student television station and he can’t get a job in the broadcast booth…. why? Because he’s passed over for the guy who can throw a piece of leather 50 yards downfield.”
January 13th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
25
Ibeaux says:
Don’t tell anyone at ESPN, but “deux deux deux” is back up on YouTube.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:45 am