MACK BROWN IS PREPARED TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER

by Orson on Jan 5, 2009 11:45 AM EST

Oh, you've just caught me reading a few of my favorite Zane Grey novels in my home study. Do you like my flatscreens, and my platinum thread robe? Does Bob Stoops house look like this? I don't think so. That man lives like a sad hobo compared to me. Or you, for that matter, I'm sure.

I know you're busy, college football writers of the world. But I would like to do one thing. First, to wish you a happy new year from all of us at Texas and from the great state of Texas, and to again hope the holidays were kind to you and yours no matter what holiday you were celebrating, be it the Festival of our Lord and Savior's birth, Kwanzaa, or god forbid Hanukkah.

(HEY! Edit that bit out, will ya? Might hurt our recruiting in..um...well, just edit it out anyway, m'kay? 3..2...)

I'd like to make a special offer to each of you for just keeping Texas in mind when you cast your votes. I know there's things to fix with the BCS, and no team feels the pain more than the Texas Longhorns. We've got work to do, and I look forward to doing it. We need to clean up a mess that puts a team who beat the number one team in the nation head to head with only one loss...well, in the fine Tostitos Fiesta Bowl...it's something that needs to be cleaned up.

With your very own Texas Longhorns Shamwow, of course.

But that's just the start of what we at Texas are willing to offer you.

For a DOCUMENTED NUMBER ONE VOTE for the TEXAS LONGHORNS, I, Mack Brown, will personally deliver a BUG BAZOOKA to your home. Or shoot your worst enemy in the face with a high powered shotgun! Just kidding, y'all. Or maybe not! Just keep Texas in your hearts and minds when you cast that final vote and there's no telling what Ol' Mack can do for ya!

Cleaning up bug guts or ventilating your biggest enemy's skull? No telling, but let's talk!

All of this is just ONE DOCUMENTED NUMBER ONE VOTE FOR TEXAS away! Keep us in your hearts, and we'll make sure you never have to spend money on paper towels ever again. Also, I might kill for you, and kill with a speed and merciless anger that will make Anton Chigurh look as toothless and polite as the Oklahoma pass rush in comparison.

Hook 'em,

Coach Mack

ps. 45-35.

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Comments

I see Mack, but all I hear is PB’s voice reading this whole thing.

by Holly on Jan 5, 2009 11:49 AM EST reply actions

But Wait! Cast your vote right now and we will double your order. That’s 2 Sham Wows and 2 of your worst enemies for just ONE vote!

by Sage Rosencopter on Jan 5, 2009 11:53 AM EST reply actions

Meanwhile in the only real conference in America:

While this really doesn’t come to me as much of a surprise, I have to admit that I really wasn’t expecting Kiffin to have two extreme opposites on his coaching staff. First – the shirt-ripping, chest-bumping, womanizing, recruiting-machine, Ed Orgeron and now the perennial wet blanket in the SEC, Sylvester Croom. I suppose one (Coach Kiffin) can’t go completely balls-to-the-wall in his first year as head coach.

by Houston's Nutts on Jan 5, 2009 11:54 AM EST reply actions

Except that nobody is going to be voting Texas #1 after the Fiesta Bowl. Teams that feel that they were ripped off and are playing in a lesser bowl game than the one they deserve nearly always lose.

The psychological factors all line up for the Buckeyes this time.

by oc phil on Jan 5, 2009 12:02 PM EST reply actions

From your lips (or in this case fingers) to God’s ears. I hope you are right OC Phil.

by Crabapple Buck on Jan 5, 2009 12:16 PM EST reply actions

The SEC is so overrated. Is that what’s causing the UT hate?

by bitterhorn on Jan 5, 2009 12:30 PM EST reply actions

I just hope tOSU isn’t walking into a swarm of angry pitbulls with wings ala PSU@USC and more like Utah@Bama.

by vegas_buckeye on Jan 5, 2009 12:43 PM EST reply actions

Does Mack have to pay Sham-Wow royalties to Dan Hawkins?

by yoyofutbawl on Jan 5, 2009 12:44 PM EST reply actions

Bitterhorn—It’s less at Texas, and more at Mack’s endless politicking.

by Orson Swindle on Jan 5, 2009 12:46 PM EST reply actions

Odd considering Urban Meyer’s realpolitik got your team into the ‘06 title game. He ended up being right (and devastatingly so), but his being right doesn’t make it all that different from Mack (who, slaughter of tOSU and Okie both pending, could have ended up being right too).

Nonetheless, I lol’d

by poguemahone on Jan 5, 2009 1:21 PM EST reply actions

Not saying he’s wrong. Also not saying he’s not annoying as hell about it.

by Orson Swindle on Jan 5, 2009 1:22 PM EST reply actions

Is he really annoying as hell about it? He was on TV one time during OU-OSU and caught hell.

Stoopsie was on TV several times saying “I’m not going to politic. But we score 60! Look!! Look!! But I refuse to politic, that’s beneath me. Hey — watch this right here — 60! Again! But I am not going to politic.”

K. Will y’all just please beat the hell out of OU? I don’t even care about a split title (which Utah should get, anyway). Just kill the sooners. Then maybe, finally, next year, UT can kick some SEC tail in Pasadena. Or at least get the chance. BOOM!

by chicka chicka bow bow on Jan 5, 2009 2:11 PM EST reply actions

What Texas fans fail to understand about Mack is that those in the Southeast remember his reputation as a snake-oil salesman while at Tulane and UNC. Somehow he became honest and “classy” once he went to Texas, and Stoops became the one with no class. But there are a lot of people outside Texas who think otherwise.

by chuy on Jan 5, 2009 2:41 PM EST reply actions

ccbb -

Yes, he really is annoying as hell about it.

That is all.

by Sparrow on Jan 5, 2009 3:17 PM EST reply actions

@13

I remember thinking Texas had really screwed the pooch when they announced the Brown hire, I mean I was floored that a school as big as Texas couldn’t find someone better at the time.

by General Disarray on Jan 5, 2009 4:20 PM EST reply actions

“Not saying hes wrong. Also not saying hes not annoying as hell about it.”

bingo bango bongo

i’m glad to see this coming from a neutral observer

i’m a firm believer in the football gods, and while six weeks ago i would’ve said that texas would give ohio state the jodie foster pinball treatment, i now think the karmic retribution for mack’s endless hissy-fit will be embarrassment on a grand and epic scale tonight

go buckeyes

by okiedomer on Jan 5, 2009 4:33 PM EST reply actions

“He was on TV one time”

Bullshit. He had a Batphone-like line to the WWL so he could spew his smarminess ad nauseum. He was on TV several times, whether is was on CFLive or game broadcasts. And it’s not the first time we’ve seen this from Butterteeth—remember 2004? They ended up not needing his politicking, but it was still annoying as hell. If it wasn’t for the constant “Big 12 Sucks! SEC! SEC! SEC!” crap we’ve been hearing during bowl season I would be rooting for the Buckeyes.

by Raider Red on Jan 5, 2009 5:14 PM EST reply actions