FASHION ACCESSORIES: THE ASSISTANT IS THE NEW SISSY BAG

by Orson on Jan 5, 2009 4:12 PM EST

We EDSBS, and in this fashion update, we ain't dissin' no one, but just talking facts: we ain't carrying no sissy-ass bags. (Warning: language, extremely sincere and thorough complaints about men carrying purses and wearing anything but ill-fitting clothes and fitteds.)

What are we carrying as the fashion essential of the 09? The assistant as crutch, the hot accessory of 2009 for any football program and a relatively inexperienced head coach. Kiffykins--already distracting the masses by bringing his thin, blonde wife to the podium and buying himself another year on the contract--started the trend in earnest, hiring both his father and the Orgeron to join him in Knoxville. This quieted those who believed he would not have enough veteran guidance on the staff, recruiting muscle to lean on while he develops relationships locally, or someone to show him how to operate the copier properly. Together they make the LEEAGUEA DISTINGWUISHT GENNAHMEN, and their powers together could be formidable.

The trend continues at Auburn, where the flashy hire of Gus Malzahn gets a snazzy match today: Trooper Taylor, known as the last flash of new blood in the Fulmer-era Tennessee program and assistant at Oklahoma State this season, will be brought on board to further allay fears among Auburn faithful that Gene Chizik alone can't revive the program. (A. May not have needed reviving, B. "fears" not strong enough noun there.--ed.)

Taylor is a monstrous recruiter and gospel choir motivator in the locker room, and is a fine accessory for the fashion season of 2009. He also enjoys jumping up and down.

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(sigh) Today’s example of How to Shame 30 Million People in Less than Eight Minutes. I swear, did I get smarter or did rap just get dumber?

by Harris on Jan 5, 2009 4:26 PM EST reply actions

The Kiffykins is so well accesorized that he would not only not be out of place, but would indeed be the belle of the ball at the prima at La Scala. Understandably, he might hope to be otherwise occupied at that time of year.

by marcillac on Jan 5, 2009 4:27 PM EST reply actions

Chizik has apparently siphoned 2 more Ok. State assistants off of Gundy’s staff.

I think they used the “James Woods” trapping method so famously executed by Peter and Brian Griffin. In this case, they used a series of colorfully drawn up, oversized, play-calling cards that led to bags of money in the back of the Auburn University Jet.

All 3 men later awoke in the shot bus at the War Eagle Supper Club, wearing Auburn polos and hats, with a copy of “Year of the Dog” in their laps.

by The Gentleman Masher on Jan 5, 2009 4:32 PM EST reply actions

Anybody else getting the “Mr. T” I.Q. test in the sidebar?

This is just too racist.

by hlh on Jan 5, 2009 4:37 PM EST reply actions

All the Auburn hires are just fronts… Auburn engineers are hard at work building the anti-cybertide computer

code name for the project: TerminatorTiger3009 (built to initiate a 1000-year reign over UA)

initial results are promising…. first suggestions coming from this prenatal positronic intelligence include encouraging agents to contact all juniors on the football team, call all football players and request they meet in the parking lot for a drug deal, leaving a variety of firearms scattered near the athletic dorms, and paying hookers to get cozy with any and all coaches on the team.

by WarChiziken on Jan 5, 2009 4:47 PM EST reply actions

And Hello Kiffin may not be done poaching. He’s talking to Rodney Garner.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Jan 5, 2009 5:02 PM EST reply actions

General, that talk has subsided and Garner is off the market. Unless Okie State calls him about replacing Trooper Taylor, in which case, he’s back on the market and probably seeking his third pay raise in one month.

by MaconDawg on Jan 5, 2009 5:08 PM EST reply actions

New Years resolution dept:

Wife made me promise to clean out my closet of some old clothes.

" But Honey, give me six months and I can get back into those 32" waist Levi’s!" “That Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt, even with the burn holes, is worth a mint!”

Alas, I was shown the error of my ways. Today, the closet is organized and clean. Procrastination has been defeated.

That said, are you ever going to CHANGE THE DAMN UGA " SUPPLYING THE BUTT" POLL?

At least change it to Boston (College) butt or Bama butt.

Respectively yours,

by hlh on Jan 5, 2009 5:15 PM EST reply actions

macondawg, Thanks. I’ve been in a hole all day with work and didn’t see it. I commented, then thought “Hey, maybe I should check that story.”

I’m glad he’s sticking around.

by Gen. Stoopnagle on Jan 5, 2009 5:27 PM EST reply actions

Just as affect and effect can be used ineffectually, or unaffectedly……never mind.

Respectfully yours,

by hlh on Jan 5, 2009 5:44 PM EST reply actions

I weep for our youth……and their faggot ass bags.

by SHOVEL-PASS on Jan 5, 2009 6:31 PM EST reply actions

I would add UW’s Sarkisian stealing away USC’s defensive coordinator, Nick Holt, to this list.

by Jeff from LA on Jan 5, 2009 7:48 PM EST reply actions

I agree. Although I’m loathe to criticize Orson for any reason, (God forbid he becomes petulant and petty and decides to take EDSBS away for any period of time), that poll has been up forever and there has been plenty of other ass sacrificed on the altar of competition this year.

How about a Bama poll??

(furiously chanting, praying and making small burnt offerings that Florida doesn’t shit the bed Thursday night!!)

by General Disarray on Jan 6, 2009 12:15 AM EST reply actions