January 5, 2009
LIVEBLOG ALERT: FIESTA! FOREVER!
We will be liveblogging tonight for the Fiesta Bowl, and request two or three readers willing to help serve as comment police. Hey, on a related note…Jim Delany! How the world’s ass taste?
“What about Ohio State 2, Texas 0?” he said in a telephone interview. “I’d be happy with that. I’m just looking for a win.
On a totally unrelated note, here’s a public service announcement as required by no one:
The ten things to watch for are here. Peter will join us as his emotional stability allows.
Talk to you then.
FASHION ACCESSORIES: THE ASSISTANT IS THE NEW SISSY BAG
We EDSBS, and in this fashion update, we ain’t dissin’ no one, but just talking facts: we ain’t carrying no sissy-ass bags. (Warning: language, extremely sincere and thorough complaints about men carrying purses and wearing anything but ill-fitting clothes and fitteds.)
What are we carrying as the fashion essential of the 09? The assistant as crutch, the hot accessory of 2009 for any football program and a relatively inexperienced head coach. Kiffykins–already distracting the masses by bringing his thin, blonde wife to the podium and buying himself another year on the contract–started the trend in earnest, hiring both his father and the Orgeron to join him in Knoxville. This quieted those who believed he would not have enough veteran guidance on the staff, recruiting muscle to lean on while he develops relationships locally, or someone to show him how to operate the copier properly. Together they make the LEEAGUEA DISTINGWUISHT GENNAHMEN, and their powers together could be formidable.
The trend continues at Auburn, where the flashy hire of Gus Malzahn gets a snazzy match today: Trooper Taylor, known as the last flash of new blood in the Fulmer-era Tennessee program and assistant at Oklahoma State this season, will be brought on board to further allay fears among Auburn faithful that Gene Chizik alone can’t revive the program. (A. May not have needed reviving, B. “fears” not strong enough noun there.–ed.)
Taylor is a monstrous recruiter and gospel choir motivator in the locker room, and is a fine accessory for the fashion season of 2009. He also enjoys jumping up and down.
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ORANGE BOWL WATCHED BY TENS OF PEOPLE
The Orange Bowl drew the lowest ratings ever for a BCS game, proving that even Jim Grobe facing Bobby Petrino–known for eating cold baby salad on the sideline during games–presents a more charismatic matchup than anything involving Frank Beamer and Brian Kelly. The game pulled a 6.1 share, which means nothing if you’re not familiar with ratings.
Do you watch this show? Please turn yourself in for “voluntary retirement” immediately.
For some illuminating contrast, the Rose Bowl pulled a 12.6 even with an assured Penn State slaughter on the menu. For an even more illuminating and possibly life-altering contrast, consider the contrast with these television ratings, which show that more people watched your average episode of Two and a Half Men than took time out of their week to watch Cincy/Va. Tech. Also: if you were wondering the exact portion of the United States population who might serve the populace better as labor animals, meat, or as batteries to fuel the supercomputers of tomorrow…that number has been recalculated to mean exactly 12 percent of the television viewing audience.
HAIR SMACK: JOE HADEN HAS IT
Florida cornerback Joe Haden either does hair-taunting properly in a Saturday presser, or he’s a huge fan of obscure proteins:
Photo: Tricia Coyne, Gainesville Sun.
And yes, Brandon Spikes said this:
“They are a step slower. It will be different for them when they see the speed of our defense,” Spikes said.
Brandon Spikes is also the father of time, author of Tristram Shandy, an accomplished auto-gyro pilot, dandy man-about-town, and was the second president of the nation of East Timor. We question nothing the man says, does, or thinks as long as he keeps intercepting passes with his telescoping go-go-badass arms.
MACK BROWN IS PREPARED TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER
Oh, you’ve just caught me reading a few of my favorite Zane Grey novels in my home study. Do you like my flatscreens, and my platinum thread robe? Does Bob Stoops house look like this? I don’t think so. That man lives like a sad hobo compared to me. Or you, for that matter, I’m sure.
I know you’re busy, college football writers of the world. But I would like to do one thing. First, to wish you a happy new year from all of us at Texas and from the great state of Texas, and to again hope the holidays were kind to you and yours no matter what holiday you were celebrating, be it the Festival of our Lord and Savior’s birth, Kwanzaa, or god forbid Hanukkah.
(HEY! Edit that bit out, will ya? Might hurt our recruiting in..um…well, just edit it out anyway, m’kay? 3..2…)
I’d like to make a special offer to each of you for just keeping Texas in mind when you cast your votes. I know there’s things to fix with the BCS, and no team feels the pain more than the Texas Longhorns. We’ve got work to do, and I look forward to doing it. We need to clean up a mess that puts a team who beat the number one team in the nation head to head with only one loss…well, in the fine Tostitos Fiesta Bowl…it’s something that needs to be cleaned up.
With your very own Texas Longhorns Shamwow, of course.
But that’s just the start of what we at Texas are willing to offer you. (more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 1/5/2009
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Sad piano music and one sad boy. Our favorite email we got on predicting Alabama would beat Utah was this: “Are you man enough to admit that nobody on the planet was more wrong than you?” Yes. Now that we’ve said this we’re “a man,” with furry Conan underwear, a broadsword, flowing hair, and a pet tiger. It’s JUST THAT EASY (like sacking John Parker Wilson, evidently.) Andre Smith, or whatever relative contacted an agent in his name, you owe JPW new ribs, as he was sacked eight times by the Utes. Some people dealt with this well, though. One of the voices of our generation has his tasteful, insightful, and classy response to the game fired up and ready. We’re dead serious on at least two of those adjectives. We encourage you to keep speaking. Dominique Franks, Oklahoma cornerback, on Tim Tebow versus the Big 12’s quarterbacks. “If you look at the three best quarterbacks in the country, (they) came from the Big 12,” Franks said. “The three best receivers in the country came from the Big 12. The three best tight ends came from the Big 12. So we’ve faced some great offenses, and a lot of people don’t understand that other conferences don’t have what we face.” Franks then acknowledged that Tebow would be fourth on his QB list. “Yup. I think our quarterbacks are better,” Franks said. “Just the way they conduct themselves and how they play on the field. I just think, playing against those guys, it’s a lot harder to prepare for those guys than it is for Tebow.” Oh, he’s right! Zac Robinson’s probably better than he is, and Robert Griffin, and…well, just take any of them really. You shouldn’t even prepare for him…if you’re a real man. In fact, we encourage you not to, actually. Have you considered eating a whole chicken from one of Miami’s numerous tasty chicken restaurants immediately before the game with a massive order of yucca? Wash that down with the oil swimming at the bottom of the tray when you’re done, and then go out and try to cover Percy Harvin. He’s so slow it won’t matter! Trust us! I have a nameplate and am not afraid to use it. Little men with nameplates ruin all kinds of things. Small but thriving football programs are one, and if you care to see the best example That picture is not fair. Eleven Warriors specializes in unfair pictures, and does not disappoint with their Fiesta Bowl preview. |
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ELEC-TRI-CI-TY! ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB
Oh, there’s so much to cover: a Fiesta Bowl liveblog tonight, Oklahoma players “grabbing the chainsaw” by saying Tim Tebow would be the fourth best qb in the Big 12, Boston College displaying excellence in human resources by threatening to fire Jeff Jagodzinski…so much madness to cover, but first one must be in the right frame of mind. And the right frame of mind to consider the final four days of the college football season requires this:
ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB. Your obeisance is required by penalty of death, but is still appreciated.
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