A NOTE OF CONDEMNATION TO THE SUN BOWL, PLEASE

by Orson on Jan 2, 2009 11:59 AM EST

As we are most years, we sit shocked at how good most of the bowls have been. They don't have to be; on odds, we'd bet that most teams relegated to meaningless exhibition would take what we regard to be the logical path of least resistance for 18-22 year old men doing things for vague, poorly defined reasons, which would be slacking off, drinking, and mumming through their assigned task with something less than rigor.

This is the second image result for "Sun Bowl Pitt." Harumph.

This only seems to have been the case in one bowl game thus far, an execrable exercise in football called the Sun Bowl. The Sun Bowl takes place in El Paso, Texas, and this may explain it as the dystopian Disneyworld of Juarez, Mexico is but a trot across a body-filled gutter away. Only a night of smoking Mexican Crunk Broccoli and guzzling paint thinner with the locals would explain how, oh how Pittsburgh and Oregon State managed to show up for four quarters and score exactly one field goal for a whole fucking game.

Oregon State had excuses, sure: the loss of the Rodgers brothers to injury was a substantial one, while the wind--blowing in hellgusts at up to 40 miles an hour during the first half--made even Lyle Moevao's one-speed passing difficult. (Lyle Moevao only throws one kind of ball: directly through your chest, even on screens.) They had reasons, and at least apologized by scoring.

Pitt, slyly sliding in the door in the clothes of a competent team, immediately disrobed and revealed themselves to be a team coached by that Dave Wannstedt: the one who lets his offensive coordinator call passes on 4th and 1 with LeSean McCoy in the backfield, the one who sits with his hands on his hips and wrinkles his upper lip in theatrical bafflement, the one whose game management has passed unimproved and unimpeded through the ranks of the NFL and now college football for over fifteen years as a head coach. If you'd like to go blind, please see Bill Stull's line: 7/24, 54 yards, and one INT. The box score is a fucking desert. Go ahead and look at it. We dare you. Vomit does not come out of computer keyboards easily.

It was agony, and when Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson said things like "Well, Pitt's going for it here," we know what they really meant. "Please, death. Swing your sweet scythe through our willing flesh before we see the end of this game. Screw you, Sun Bowl, for even existing this year. Next year, just stage a shot contest between the coaches and a donkey show for the remaining two hours of the broadcast. Repellent as that would be--especially if Dennis Erickson's ASU team goes--watching Pitt lob 30 yard fades into gale-force winds was far, far worse.

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El Paso, Texas-
There is an “No Country for Old Men” reference here, but I am at a loss, since that game reminded me how empty I felt at the end of the movie when Sheriff Bell says “And then I woke up”…….kinda like flipping back and forth on that game since nothing was really happening…….Auburn LOL’s that game, since at least Auburn scored all 5 points, 3 for Auburn and 2 for Miss St….thats versatility there, brah…..

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Jan 2, 2009 12:07 PM EST reply actions

It was no 3-2 masterpiece, that’s for sure.

by NewAZTiger on Jan 2, 2009 12:16 PM EST reply actions

I was flipping channels and watched a bit of this game, and to be fair, I thought the play shown in this highlight was a TD for OSU, which would have made it 10-0.

by Brian O'Blivion on Jan 2, 2009 12:22 PM EST reply actions

When Wannstache coached the Dolphins, we used to play a game called “Dumber than.”

Dave W. is dumber than…

A sackful of hair…
a box of rocks….

You get the idea.

Welcome to the “Dumber than” game Pitt.

by hobeg8r on Jan 2, 2009 12:24 PM EST reply actions

The best series of plays that best sums up the fail was Pitt’s play calling . McCoy runs for 8 on 1st and 10. 2nd and 2 play action pass Go route thrown into gale force winds 10 yards out of bounds. 3rd and 2 another play action pass two hopped. What kind of an idiot doesn’t give it to McCoy? Dave Wannstedt that’s who.

by Ry on Jan 2, 2009 12:30 PM EST reply actions

I fear for Danielson’s health at times—the sighs of disgust are becoming so deep and sincere that he’s going to rupture something vital. I thought he had reached the depths of despair during the Tenneessee/Auburn game, but this was worse.

As for the ‘Stache, he reminds me of the coaching styles of Gerry DiNardo, David McWilliams and Paul Hackett. I jsut don’t have a word for someone who has perfected idiocy.

by Counter Trap on Jan 2, 2009 1:02 PM EST reply actions

“Oregon State had excuses”

One of which you fail to mention is they were the underdog. A Preponderance of ‘experts’ and blog folk picked them to lose. Despite Moevao channeling his inner Darek Anderson and the O-lines inability to get a TD at 4th and goal at the 1, Oregon State was clearly the better team.

by tzubear on Jan 2, 2009 1:06 PM EST reply actions

The Beavs could have scored more, maybe.
It was clearly professional courtesy on Rileys part, scoring more than three against that Pitt offense would have been blatantly running up the score.

by BennyBeav on Jan 2, 2009 1:09 PM EST reply actions

Ivan Maisel has called Mike Riley the best coach in college football for a reason, although what that reason is still baffles me.

If he is such a miracle worker in Corvallis, why does he not get a better job? Is it because he has some sense of loyalty and appreciation to Oregon State for hiring him back after his failed NFL attempt? Meh.

Alabama should have gone after him, not Mike Price, in 200whatever, especially since he is an alum.

by Coop on Jan 2, 2009 1:37 PM EST reply actions

I kinda expected at the end of the game that both Uncle Verne and Gary commit sepukku afterward in respect to the travesty set before them.

by BurritoBrosShits on Jan 2, 2009 1:40 PM EST reply actions

Sunny Sun Bowl Dept:

I thought the Sun Bowl had that “it” quality this year, in a negative way – obviously. I saw most of it till the bitter end, just to see if it was possible to not score a TD in four full quarters or Overtime by two medium-time football teams.

The Stache almost got a late long field goal that would have made it 3-3, and who knows how many timeouts would have been needed to “win” or “not lose” this game.

Compelling game, though. But, what do I know? I sometimes watch police car chases for a while, until the bitter end when the driver runs out of gas, or meekly gives up.

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Jan 2, 2009 1:44 PM EST reply actions

Too much drinkin’ dept:

correction: …knows how many OVERTIMES would have been needed to win or not lose this game. …

by Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me on Jan 2, 2009 1:46 PM EST reply actions

Let me remind everyone that Gary Danielson played for Purdue in college and the Detroit Lions in the NFL. He has probably witnessed, as a player and broadcaster, more shitty football than anyone else CBS could hire. He is overqualified for recognizing ineptitude.

by Crabapple Buck on Jan 2, 2009 1:47 PM EST reply actions

My favorite part of the boxscore: LaRod Stephens-Howling: 7 rushes, 29 yards, long of 29 yards.

by Salt Bagel on Jan 2, 2009 2:08 PM EST reply actions

That balloon looks far too cheery for this post. A picture of the Hindenburg is more fitting.
Uncle Verne: “OH THE HUMANITY”
Danielson: /smirks and sighs

by BurritoBrosShits on Jan 2, 2009 2:09 PM EST reply actions

I don’t care if he knows where he is or isn’t, Pat Summerall’s voice is still a joy to listen to.

by John on Jan 2, 2009 2:11 PM EST reply actions

@16

John, repeat after me:

“RAAAFAELLLL SEPTIEEEEN to kickoff.”

by Counter Trap on Jan 2, 2009 2:38 PM EST reply actions

The playcalling for Pitt was atrocious. They only had two plays…McCoy up the middle, deep fade. Seriously, they ran only those two plays in the second half. Well, technically they may have had other passing plays but Stull got sacked like 18 times.

And the Orange Bowl wasn’t that bad last night. It was more competitive than the Rose Bowl, I had a rooting interest as a Big East guy and it’s always fun to see Brian Kelly chew out his quarterback on national TV. Twice.

by Edsall is God on Jan 2, 2009 2:48 PM EST reply actions

Brian Kelly when angry is really funny… because he looks like hes all of 5’4 when he yells at Tony Pike…. kinda has a Pinky & the Brain quality to it…

by beckett929 on Jan 2, 2009 3:29 PM EST reply actions

Turn the Sun Bowl into a coaches’ drinking contest and Wannstedt would DOMINATE. Dark horse: Mangino.

Brian Kelly is quite an ass on the sideline. At least when a guy like Jim Leavitt goes berserk and screams and waves his arms like a lunatic, he isn’t chewing out his players.

by JD on Jan 3, 2009 12:38 AM EST reply actions