On Thursday in the Curious Index, we included to the following quote:  “He is very socialized, very affectionate,” said Barbara Burk. “If he wanted to, he probably could kill me. He has never given me any reason to be worried, but I always have to think that possibility is there.” This was quoted in reference to USC linebacker Brian Cushing, but instead refers to a 100 pound Siberian lynx named “Sasha.” Brian Cushing is not socialized.  We regret the error.

Booorrrrrn freeeeee…..

Tuesday’s “Profiles in Cocksmack” listed the title of Les Miles’ forthcoming autobiography as White Hunter Black Heart, owing to the LSU head coach’s fondness for Clint Eastwood. The actual working title is Hat ‘em High. We regret the error.

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We disagree with almost every football stance taken in the following, but the Bowden imitation and this line alone make it worth listening to:

“Steve Spurrier won the Heisman Trophy when all the black guys were in Vietnam.”

He’s wrong on one thing, though. You can say anything derogatory about anyone in the South, provided you follow it up with “Bless his/her heart,” as in “That man just can’t keep his cock out of pig-ass, bless his heart.”

What better way to end a day besides dating ourselves?

We already like Rueben Randle, highly esteemed WR recruit, because like us he cannot fake his demeanor. When we worked in the world where you had meetings, we had to walk around the table in order to keep from screaming out loud in the middle of a 35 minute debate over what our “office cake policy” was. This is not an exaggeration: we would twitch our leg, chew off all our fingernails, get three cups of coffee, and gnaw the end off pens all in the span of a single two-hour meeting. (We still do all those things in the course of a Gator game, of course, but now it’s fun.)

Randle is clearly so impressed by the recruiting process that he can’t hide it. That kind of facial honesty is admirable anywhere, but especially so in someone as young as Randle.

With Ramgod on your side, though…it’s hard to be stressed about anything.

Columbia, SC–(AP) Lane Kiffin continued to ruffle feathers in the SEC when he displayed unconventional table manners at a monthly meeting of the SEC Football Coaches’ Garden Club in Columbia.

According to witnesses, Kiffin incorrectly used his dinner fork for both his salad and his entree, relinquishing it only when a server snapped up the fork shortly before the dessert course.

“I was just trying to help the guy out,” said the server, who did not wish to be named in this article.

“I don’t know if he knows where he is, but that’s not going to cut it here,” said Paul Finebaum, longtime SEC columnist and garden club tomato expert. “He put his elbows on the table, passed in an incorrect manner across the centerpiece of the table, failed to RSVP, and even used his fork to cut the butter. The fork he ate with. This won’t cut it here. Phil might eat half of the ham at the buffet, but he did it with the right fork, dangit. Pardon my language.”

The fork incident represents just the latest in a series of shocking breaches of SEC etiquette.

“When he was recruiting, he didn’t even call before he came,” said Coach Steve Spurrier. “Not a peep. Just knocked on my door to say hello. When he came in, he didn’t even have a gift with him. Normally you bring a nice casserole, a jello salad or something, anything. He called me ‘Steve’ before I even said he could.”

“And on top of all that, he fell asleep during my lecture on reducing aphid loss in your roses.”

All other coaches declined comment, telling this paper off the record that they found Kiffin’s table manners to be unladylike and unfitting for an SEC coach and Garden Club member. Only one other coach provided comment: Kentucky’s Rich Brooks, who described the question regarding Kiffin’s use of the dinner fork for all courses to be “bullshit.”

Kiffin replied to the ruffled feathers with nonchalance. “Who needs more than one fork at a meal, anyway?”

He scores touchdowns, he’s mastered the art of foreskin removal, he squats with the linemen…and now, Tim Tebow, attempting to drown his friend for giggles. We ask the the same question of him that we ask of bacon: is there anything you can’t do, sir?

We have an unhealthy obsession with the inflatable secondary mascot for Nebraska, “Li’l Red.” Sometimes he does his little palsied “dead-girl-from-The Ring” into a wormhole located in a cornfield in Nebraska and journeys through time. Because we live in a universe of infinite worlds all existing at once, he falls through it differently everytime. Here’s one.

(Index along in a moment.)

One of the nicer things about the offseason is the abundance of time to catch up, investigate, ponder, relax the intense focus of the moment for a more long-term perspective, to figure out what that rotting smell behind the drywall might be, and if it’s what we think it is, to process it in a vat of quicklime for several weeks until it miraculously goes away in a river. Yes? What?

Oh, yes. History. One of our favorite moments in pre-1990 Florida football centers on “The Gator Flop,” or as it is also known, “the Florida Flop,” or as Miami fans old and devoted enough to remember it (all eight of them) may call it, “The Shitbag Play.” With 1:10 left in the fourth quarter and Florida ahead by a score of 45-8, Miami was looking for a late dignity score, or failing that, a chance at running the clock out and going home with what remained of their dignity intact.

Instead, Florida’s defenders flopped to allow a Miami score. This gave the Gators the ball back in time to allow quarterback John Reaves to break the NCAA passing record. It looked like this (Click for big):

What is rivalry, you ask? The answer, in one of its variations, is going fetal to allow an easy TD to break a statistical record. We knew this was funny, but the posture of the players makes it far, far more humorous than we could have imagined. Gatorsports has a whole thread on the thing where there’s another photo and a guest appearance from the real Carlos Alvarez, the greatest Florida receiver of all time and a participant in the game who feels zero shame about the Flop, proving that Florida football, even when it was not a national power, was shameless from the start. (And gloriously so.)