We’re out until noon because we have to close on Swindle Manor, a process involving us signing 438 pieces of paper and sitting in a realtor’s office. This will be thrilling stuff. A few things:
–Northwestern almost beat Mizzou both because their defense is much better than their stats let on, but also because Chase Daniel couldn’t throw the ball into Mexico standing on the border last night. He looked bad, just as he looked unpalatable against Texas and Oklahoma. This means Northwestern is on par with the Longhorns and the Sooners, or more plausibly that Chase Daniel’s reputation is as overpumped as his mother’s biceps.
His sister seems excited, though, in case you didn’t catch one of the innumerable reaction shots ESPN overtaxed the broadcast last night with:
Pizza Boy: I heard you needed a Meat Lover’s, and you needed it…now.
ANNOUNCER: He’ll give a smart girl all the learning she can handle. She’ll get it back because, beneath his brusque exterior, this scoring machine has no defense to offer up whatsoever. In the end, though, he’ll deliver all the extra sauce she can handle until she’s full, because in this metaphor you’re supposed to figure out that Northwestern will score but can’t possibly keep up with a fully engorged Mizzou team suffering from the blue balls of failed expectations HOLY ENTANGLED CULINARY GRIDIRON SEXUAL METAPHORS.
Rated NC-17 for overextended sexual conceits and violence. THE PIZZA BOY, from Pinkel Sensual Enterprises and Lawn Care, LTD.
Tagline: The only delivery where you beg for the tip.
The Alamo Bowl is on ESPN at 8:00 p.m. EDT tonight. It is family-safe…we think.
He is clearly allergic to Brandon Spikes, but most football players on the offensive side of the ball share this medical condition. Now what we’ve found yet another way to express our undying love for Brandon Spikes, it might help you to know that the offensive lineman featured in that video, Andre Smith, is an All-American pedigreed badass who eats whole pieces of chainlink fence for snacks and has anchored the left tackle spot for Bama since he was a freshman.
He is also suspended for the bowl game for unspecified violations of team rules. No ideA, aGain, whEther aNyone will geT to the bottom of why, but we’re sure some anonymous internet rumor will suffice for truth in the meantime.
(Also: the Papa Johns.com Occluded Artery StrokeFeed Bowl just got off to a crazygonuts start with a fake FG for a Rutgers TD and then a missed XP. Keep Shaun King away from the breadsticks; his jowls are getting to be positively Swindle-sized.)
I have written to inform of Officer Chavis record at Bulgarian Customs and the Inspection of Foreign Items. Enclosed is picture.
CHAVIS JOHN performed most excellently at his post at BULGARIAN CUSTOMS. He inspected many package. His attendance at work was good. He was there every day. This is the good attendance.
He also stop the cars and inspect quite good, too. He never take the money from the pockets, and did not smile ever. This is also good things on both account.
He is to work for football team now. We shall miss his inspection package skills at the BULGARIAN CUSTOMS. Happiness to him in the future. Also his pension is because he quit to stop now. No further benefit are provide by the BULGARIAN CUSTOMS.
An EDSBS co-production with inimitable Birmingham bureau chief Doug Gillett of Hey Jenny Slater.
IN A WORLD where sometimes life doesn’t go the way you’d planned . . .
A vast, severely furnished editor-in-chief’s office on the 32nd floor of a Manhattan skyscraper. Big East commissioner MIKE TRANGHESE sits behind a black lacquered desk, regarding RUTGERS with a critical eye.
TRANGHESE: You were one of our rising stars. Three straight bowl appearances, an 11-win season, this close to a BCS bid . . . what happened to you?
RUTGERS: Just a string of bad luck. Honest. Give me a few more weeks, I can turn it around! . . .
TRANGHESE: (shakes head gravely) I’d like to believe you, Scarlett, I really would. But you lost to Fresno State by 17, UNC by 32 . . . and we just don’t have that kind of time.
ANNOUNCER: . . . one Big East team is about to find that life is happiest . . .
RUTGERS sits dejectedly in a crowded, chaotic airport terminal. She is shaken out of her melancholy by the abrupt squawk of a PA announcement.
GATE ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to begin boarding all rows, all sections for flight 4358 . . . (more…)
“Ah, I remember that game. I watched that, probably on some barstool somewhere…”
–Pam Ward, re: the “Snow Bowl” Independence Bowl in 2000, during the ESPN broadcast last night of the 2008 Independence Bowl.
SCENE: Tricky Jane’s Bar, Tampa, Florida. PAM WARD sits on a barstool. Sarah McLachlan’s “Adia” plays in the background. PAM smokes a cigarette to the butt, and stubs it out in an ashtray.
Barkeep: Some game we got here, eh?
Pam: Yup. Some game.
Barkeep: Doesn’t snow like that in Shreveport very often, does it? (more…)
Hakeem Nicks is horrifying. From the Meineke Car Care Bowl, where Bill Stewart kissed Pat White on the forehead, and Hakeem Nicks kissed Drew Rosenhaus’ phone number hello in his inbox.
No-huddle spread missionaries re-sent to Auburn. After the first mission to the region was devoured by natives, the church of the spread will send one of its most seasoned veterans to attempt the conversion of the savage tribes of lower Alabama. Auburn has hired Gus Malzahn as their offensive coordinator, ensuring the future occurrence of a.) editorials wonderin’ what in tha tarnation that fruitcakey offensive “genius” (not our quotes) is doin’ with that dang ol’ fruity offense, and b.) that if Auburn can get up by ten on Ole Miss at any point in the next two years, they will try to get up by forty if they can.
“I will never forget the excitement amongst all participants,” McFarland wrote. “Alcohol was all you can drink, money was not an option. Girls were acting wild by taking off their tops, and pulling down their pants. Girls were also romancing each other. Some guys loved every minute of the freakiness some girls demonstrated. I have never attended a party of this magnitude.”
Bottom line for recruiting blue-chip small-town recruits? Queen Latifah movies are a fuckin’ must. Rebuttal goes hyah.
Steve Addazio, step on up. The Florida offensive line coach will be the new offensive coordinator, and will assume his duties immediately after Dan Mullen calls the national title game. Meyer says little will change staff continuity etcetera we’re a happy family me mom and dad.
Remember a different time, reader: a time when the mighty Shreveport Independence Bowl knew real power, and would with its weed-whackered arm beckon esteemed squads from the mid-ranks of the Big 12 and the SEC to parley on its well-fescued field of battle. Lo, did the gods quake at its might, and send freakish weather to stem its power:
Forsooth! The economy hath helped to humble the Independence Bowl, who hath taken Louisiana Tech and Northern Illinois to play the part of Kano and Scorpion to their Shang Tsung this year. Reaaadyy….FIGHT! FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF THE SHREVEPORT-BOSSIER CITY METROPOLITAN AREA!!!
What is Northern Illinois, and should they borrow oxygen tanks from the morbidly obese in the crowd? We don’t know, and yes. The Huskies fall firmly into the category of “bowl team-like substance,” having finished the season losing three out of four by a combined score of 136-58. Their coach is named Jerry Kill, though, which should be worth two points on the scoreboard in every game. They play defense and wait for the other team to make egregious mistakes, and if you’ve seen this in action it is just as boring as you imagine it to be.
Louisiana Tech: Creating the Cyborg Crawdad of the Future today. We would mock Louisiana Tech, too, if they hadn’t benched aspiring CIA agent A.J. Suggs Taylor Bennett seven games into the season and started sophomore Ross Jenkins instead. They then developed something like a passing game to complement running back Daniel Porter, the only reason you should watch this game. He plays in a respectably nasty fashion, and this bears praise and notice.
Why aren’t we at the bowl game, pussy? Not because we are scared of Shreveport, a town we humbly suggested used the floating corpses of cattle passing in the river as a prime source of entertainment last year. No, we’ve been to scarier places, like Phnom Penh and Miami. The real reason is that Miami is a good kind of scary, and we’d like to charge our expense account to the gills for the 305 and not the 318. The economy affects us all, especially when you plan on racking up several grand in charges billed only to a single line reading “Winston Wolf (he solves problems)” for the national title game.
IN A WORLD OF SUN AND FUN…ALL CHARLIE WANTED WAS TO GET AWAY.
“A little sun in the folds. That’s all I need. Away from the sleet and the mail bombs and Clausen’s INT-to-TD ratio, on my way to a place where they deep fry whole fucking pigs for my pleasure. That’s the ticket.”
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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