BOWL PREVIEW PREVIEWS: ALAMO BOWL

by Orson on Dec 29, 2008 3:56 PM EST

Music: BowchikachikachikachikachikaBOWBOWBowchikachikachikachikachikaBOWBOW...

When a shy girl is hungry, and bored with studying...

...who else is she gonna call but...THE PIZZA BOY?

Shy girl wearing Northwestern sweatshirt: "Yes? I'm hungry for something hot. Now."

DING. DONG.

Shy girl wearing NW sweatshirt: "I'm not wearing pants. Oh, well, I'm so...hungry..."

Pizza Boy: I heard you needed a Meat Lover's, and you needed it...now.

ANNOUNCER: He'll give a smart girl all the learning she can handle. She'll get it back because, beneath his brusque exterior, this scoring machine has no defense to offer up whatsoever. In the end, though, he'll deliver all the extra sauce she can handle until she's full, because in this metaphor you're supposed to figure out that Northwestern will score but can't possibly keep up with a fully engorged Mizzou team suffering from the blue balls of failed expectations HOLY ENTANGLED CULINARY GRIDIRON SEXUAL METAPHORS.

Rated NC-17 for overextended sexual conceits and violence. THE PIZZA BOY, from Pinkel Sensual Enterprises and Lawn Care, LTD.

Tagline: The only delivery where you beg for the tip.

The Alamo Bowl is on ESPN at 8:00 p.m. EDT tonight. It is family-safe...we think.

Tweet Comment 18 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

I won’t lie. I’m just a little bit aroused.

by 4.0 Point Stance on Dec 29, 2008 4:01 PM EST reply actions

Wonderfully disgusting. You just hafta wonder how BAD the NW chick looks (size 14, anyone?) – Evanston aint excatly Athens or Tuscaloosa.

by yoyofutbawl on Dec 29, 2008 4:51 PM EST reply actions

@ yoyofutbawl

Neither is Columbia, Missouri, my friend.

by Tim on Dec 29, 2008 5:57 PM EST reply actions

NW coed: Hello, I’d like to order a delivery. Do you have anyone who can bring me something hot and thick… crust?

Pizza Boy: I think we can serve you deep… dish.

NW Coed: how long… will that take?

Pizza Boy: You have our guarantee, we won’t come… in less than 30 minutes. It’s a guarantee we like to call the Reverse Domino’s.

NW Coed: Oh, I’m so empty, but I don’t want you to fill that hole… for only 30 minutes.

Pizza Boy: Well then you’ll want our two on one special.

Thirty minutes later….

NW Coed: jesus, did you rub that pizza on your head? And why aren’t you wearing any pants? I’m getting a head start on next semester, you fucking pervert!

Pizza Boy: Looks like I’m not getting any sack action tonight…

(promptly gets leveled by Sergio Kindle)

by DC Trojan on Dec 29, 2008 6:04 PM EST reply actions

Just so this isn’t one of the toppings:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEW8_KVhDFE

by Raider Red on Dec 29, 2008 6:12 PM EST reply actions

You left out the part where the girl weighs 300 lbs due to NW admission requirements. BBW FTW!

by poguemahone on Dec 29, 2008 7:39 PM EST reply actions

Who’s dumb enough to punt right to Jeremy Maclin?

Northwestern, that’s who. All that book learnin’ doesn’t teach you much about the real world, apparently.

by Signal to Noise on Dec 29, 2008 9:35 PM EST reply actions

I just heard an ESPN announcer refer to the “raw athleticism” of Chase Daniel. This is the same guy that’s been carrying that spare donut above his belt the last two years that looks like he’s going to die every time he runs on a 10 yard scramble, right?

by AuditDawg on Dec 29, 2008 10:28 PM EST reply actions

DCT wins this and every other internet, forever. It’s the Kindle that makes it art.

by Holly on Dec 29, 2008 11:14 PM EST reply actions

You know what this game needs? More shots of Chase Daniels’ family.

by Flatlander on Dec 29, 2008 11:56 PM EST reply actions

I love the guy, but how many times did Ron Franklin say “Australian kick”?

Congrats, Chase Daniel. Enjoy your new role as an NFL third stringer, unless you can somehow pull off a Drew Brees.

by John on Dec 30, 2008 5:43 AM EST reply actions

Stephens College used to get a few Southern hotties, but I assume those days are passed. So, I assume Mizzou is more of a size 10 w/ glasses and residual acne?

by yoyofutbawl on Dec 30, 2008 7:14 AM EST reply actions

I thought that fella with the Domino’s hat on was Ben Rothlesberger, turns out it is just some pizza guy.

by King Harvest on Dec 30, 2008 8:23 AM EST reply actions

@Flatlander #10

At least more shots of his sisters…

by Panhandle Gator on Dec 30, 2008 8:24 AM EST reply actions

this post screams out “I need a new bf” Holly… did you not get what you wanted for Christmas?

by InsaneCoachPosse on Dec 30, 2008 9:58 AM EST reply actions

wait a minute…this was written by Orson?

sorry Holly… I should have guessed a beautiful woman like you would be so frustrated as to parse out a piece like this

unless you are posting about TN football

ducks

by InsaneCoachPosse on Dec 30, 2008 10:35 AM EST reply actions

My office used to be in Evanston, and I think you’d be surprised. It was a sad day indeed when my supervisor (damn her) instructed my Northwestern undergraduate intern to start wearing more professional clothes to the workplace. Plus, smart is sexy.

Im not arguing its a Sun Belt state school, but the Purple did give us Cindy Crawford, Jeri Ryan, and Ann-Margret among others.

BTW, anyone who thinks Monday nights season-low yardage total by Mizzou was a choke job by Chase Daniel needs to take a look at Mike Hankwitzs curriculum vitae.

by Middle Manager on Dec 30, 2008 4:29 PM EST reply actions