LOOK, YOU ALREADY GOT YOUR MUSTACHE POST. WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US?

As a fellow 404er, here are the things I’ve learned owning my first home (which is 90 years old but doesn’t look a day over 75):

1. learn to spackle/wire/plumb/sheetrock/floor/paint; and

2. politely turn down the homeless guy wanting to rake out your yard. He knows where you live.

*Also, feel very free to leave all manner of well-meaning but overbearing advice for new homeowners in the comments for Swindle to find. He’ll like that.

I’ll stick with a simple “congratulations.” There is no way in hell I want to feel even remotely like a parent to Swindle.

Congratulations, New Homeowner Commandante Swindle. You’ve got mold.

mst3k was clearly the greatest show of all time. love the snow globe for tom’s head in that one.

When I bought my first house, a colleague told me that with houses, “things go wrong in $500 increments.” She was pretty much on the spot.

As another 404er now I know who buys these old houses rather than renting….

1. Buford highway is a great place to find labor. VERY CHEAP labor.

2. Pest control is a bit of a bitch. Cockroaches are pesky buggers.

3. Asbestos abatement. Its a good idea.

4. Sub-prime loans aren’t a good idea. Just saying.

Seriously, good luck Swindle. Buying in the ATizzle is but a dream for me at this point.

I am in the beautiful, pastural North Fulton County area. My advice will be different than silver britches, who is much more handy than myself. Keep your phonebook handy, and call someone who knows what they are doing to handle any repairs. That way you aren’t paying twice. Once to undo your fuckup, another to fix it right.

I hope you already checked out what the Homeowners’ Association is like. If they’re insane, it may not even be worth moving in.

A coworker of mine lives in a place with an HOA straight from the nut house. They said he could have an awning on his back porch, where no one can see it but him and his family, but it had to be a solid color. No stripes, or he gets fined.

So, they’re freeing up the $700B? (after bonuses paid of course)

I live in Florida so the only thing I know to say is: Buy flood insurance.

And welcome to the money pit.

Congratulations Orson, glad to see that the refugee money went to a good cause! Hope you got a good interest rate. If not, you should be able to refi at 4.5% or lower in the coming weeks. Make sure you keep the kids off your lawn ala Joe Pa.

Instead of making the first Mortgage payment, take the Gators, lay the points and enjoy.

“I am in the beautiful, pastural North Fulton County area.”
Hahahahaha….. seriously, at least its not Gwinnett. Decatur ftw.

@ 8:

Swindle doesn’t strike me as an HOA guy. That’s way too Right-leaning. Plus if he is still ITP, HOA’s are as common as MARTA stations (which is to say, not very).

make sure the decorations have their place and order. they only come out once a year but its totally worth not freezing your balls off spending two hours trying to untangle christmas lights because you don’t wanna be a pussy, climb back down the icy ladder, take off all your snow gear and untangle them inside like a sane, normal person. you know once you’re inside, you’ll refuse to go back outside because once a day on the roof is your limit.

and buy extra light bulbs

Why bother with decorations when you could just plop one of these in your lawn?
https://store.afa.net/pc-10000310-11-christmas-cross.aspx

Incredibly tasteful.

Look, dammit, I want my hard earned free content! Jesus! What do I have to do to get some free entertainment???

/thanks for your efforts Holly, Orson, and commentariat (ya’ll are awesome)

mst3k with Joel is the only way to fly.

’grats to the Swindles. It does get better…once you get past the closing (which is usually about as much fun as a 3 hour shit after binging at the “celebration of cheese from around the world” display at your local mega mart).

Oh, and to second the poster who recommended flood insurance, this NOLA guy backs him/her up on that 1000%.

@ 15
I prefer “Commentburo”

When considering home improvement projects involving wood and/or electrical wiring, hire a professional…actually, when considering any “project” involving wood and/or electricity…hire a professional…

Congrats, as somebody else in the old homes area, 1925 represent, here are some other tips.

1. You probably want to find out if your house has the original sewer line, either terracotta or cast iron. If so, be prepared to have it replaced sometime soon as there is roughly a 120% chance that you have tree roots in the line that will lead to a clog.

2. If you have old single pane windows, and hope you do because new windows look like shit in a 1920s craftsman style home unless they’re very expensive, then get used to a draft or learn to live with cellophane covering in the winter. We went with the latter.

3. It’s worth repeating again . . . do not hire the guy looking to dig a post hole for bus fare. He will later steal your lawnmower.

4. Related to 3, lock-up everything that has even a modicum of worth. I thought this was silly until somebody stole $3 worth of citronella candles and couple of beers out of my backyard.

5. If a situation like 4 arises, let your dogs chase the person up the street. 18 months later nobody has been back in my yard that was not invited.

6. Ignore all of this doom and gloom that I posted and remember that living in the city is still 500 times better than living in the suburbs. The fact that I can walk to Vinocity makes up for the rest of it.

If you haven’t closed yet, wait until just before you’re to sign the mortgage, then cut your offer by 15%. That’s negotiatin’, bitches!

Building on a common theme. Don’t have things shipped to your home. If it’s left on the porch, it won’t be there when you get home. I wish I could have seen the look on the face of the crackhead that stole my shipment of house numbers when he tried to pawn the numbers 1, 5, and 7.

If your house needs work, you should learn how to do it yourself, or feel comfortable polishing your loaded 9mm while you negotiate a price with the contractor. The path is yours to choose. I’ve found that I’ve had to fix 90% of the things the contractors “fixed.” So make double sure it’s something you can’t do before you hire someone. Because chances are that job is getting done twice in the span of a year.

Oh yeah, if you thought your last landlord was a slime ball, have a second look at the person that told you, “you can afford this! No problem!”

On the upside, you’ll never get a better rate and the market will switch back to a sellers market by the time you’re ready to sell.

#14, there’s nothing like a Christmas decoration that highly resembles a flaming cross.

General @ 15

Please tell me your “y’all are awesome” was meant to be spoken in a manner similar to :24 of this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ2aX-Lgh6M

Hope you negotiated the cost of the carpal tunnel surgery into the closing costs. I think there’s less paperwork involved in buying yellow cake uranium, getting a permit to drill an oil well into the back of baby seal and a weekend Pictionary bender combined than a mortgage.

I still did new house carpet snow angels when I bought my first house though, until I lost 5K selling it 3 years later…

(link is NECTSFW – Not Even Close to Safe for Work)

Careful Swindle. You don’t want this to happen to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65oS6BYEfr0

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER

Take, accept, run for, be shanghaied-into, or otherwise find yourself on the board of the homeowners association. DO NOT.

Just remember Swindle, you don’t really own the house. The bank does. They’ll remind you of this often.

That said, congratulations. It’s one of the best feelings on earth. I recommend celebrating by acquiring a bag of jerky and wandering amongst the aisles at Home Depot. Its like kettlebells for the soul.

My favorite part is sequencing repairs to see what the real problem is – most recently, solving the question of precisely how that water was getting in around the chimney and dripping out of a light fixture. Only two repairs required!

And I would be only too happy to have $500 be the increment per incident; I think I’m paying a latte-sipper surcharge or something like that.

Next up: we flip a coin – new water heater, or replace the furnace / a/c unit. The fun never stops!

Also, HOAs are butt in assular proportions. My hoopty on blocks may be an ancient Audi instead of a Chevelle, but the principle remains the same – I’ll be goddamned if I have a bunch of power-mad middle-aged jogging control freaks hold me hostage over a little rusting transport.

Advice for new homeowners:

1) Make sure your monthly payment is over 25% of your monthly gross income. That way you can maximize your biggest investment!

2) Don’t be stupid and get a fixed rate mortgage. Rates are super low now, but guaranteed to go even lower in a few years when you refinance!

3) Don’t put anything down, make sure you maximize your leverage like all those smart bankers!

4) Be sure to get a HELOC to 125% of appraisal value. (Protip: Bribe the appraiser for a super high value). Spend that on flat screens, beer, and Applebee’s.

5) Yard work on Saturday is so much better than College Football.

6) Get an interest only loan if you can. Its so easy a caveman can do it: Low payments, Appreciation, ???, Profit!

7) Remember that having a big house means you love America and the American dream of filling it completely with foreign made stuff you have no idea you needed.

8) Do all your own plumbing. Those guys are rip offs. How hard can it be and what could go wrong, a little water never hurt anyone. That goes double for electrical work.

9) When you need a new roof, wait for a big storm, then go rip some shingles off your roof. That’s what those insurance premiums are for!

10) Welcome to the world of big tax deductions! You’re a player now, where the sophisticated send $20 grand to the bank to avoid paying the US Govt $5k which they will also send to the same bank!

If your Dad offers to help fix things, make sure he’s tried a similar project on his own house.

Oh, and double check that you’ve turned off the power from the fusebox before installing ceiling fans.

And a third on the flood insurance, it will come in handy when your roof leaks.

Wow, the synchronicity…

Just sent off the notarized paperwork on the sale of my old place today. Good feeling to get rid of the place, but I also remember what a good feeling it was to buy it, too. Congratulations, sir.

I must second the warnings about shady HOA. Mine wasn’t so much villainous or crazy as they were lazy and apathetic. Pray you never need them for anything. I’ll also second Crabapple Buck; if a repair required more than a screwdriver, I usually regretted trying it myself. Good handymen are worth the price.

i popped my homeowner cherry in January, and I have to say it was a simple process for me. I have heard i was the lucky rare situation, but i found a home i loved in a great neighborhood, had a great realtor and a great mortgage agent (it didn’t hurt that she was smoking hot- could have probably talked me into another point on the loan if she wanted to), got a great loan rate, and closing was a snap. I haven’t had any problems with the house (only 2 years old though…), so i’ve just been painting and fixing up the bathrooms and finishing the basement and stuff since, trying to hold onto whatever value i can when i sell in a few years.
I did get a little screwed by the closing people forgetting to tell me that my first partial year’s taxes wouldn’t be paid out of the escrow but out of my now empty pocket, which was a nice $6,000+ surprise, so if there is any first-time advice i would give it is make sure you know about first-year’s taxes…
otherwise, i hope yours is as easy as mine and congratulations.

My repairs all seem to come in $1000 increments…

Despite all your future fun, O., try to enjoy the process and make sure you read every word of the mortgage (deed of trust) documents as they are presented…you will ensure your closing attorney appreciates your thoroughness and concern and you will garner his eternal respect! (NOT!) Also, make him explain your escrow/impound account way past your ability to care…nothing will provide him with more satisfaction than educating you to the point you fall asleep. Oh, and ask your attorney to explain the difference between “title theory” and “lien theory” to you regarding your home encumbrance (and throw in that you know you’re in a title theory state). Remember, you only do this once…until the next time, so make the most of it.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… RUN ORSON RUN!!!!!!!!!!! GET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

and my latest FCP masterpiece is dropping frames like they’re third-period French.

1,000 cocktails if this was an intentional Ocean’s Eleven reference.

Orson, you are doing what I believe I never will. Good luck with the house, and now you have a rationalization for every questionable job you ever take. “It pays the mortgage.”

Ted @ #31…I think you’ve got it all covered. Well done.

Excuse me…jive @ #34…if this isn’t new construction and with prices/values going down, chances are that taxes may do the same and any proration may be in excess to O. Net result is the same, though…he’ll have to pay the seller back.

Woekie @ 26:

What.

The.

Fuck.

And sb just tipped his hand that he’s a closing attorney (I clerked for one 1st year).

I’m no real estate pro by any stretch, but i do my homework whenever i can, and this is what i have learned: taxes are taxes are taxes, no matter what the current economy is doing. The only way to make that impact you positively with home values tanking is to get a reassessment on your property tax assessment. My assessment was based on the land value since when the last assessment was done there was no real homes there. If I wanted to, I could go in and get a reassessment that could lower the assessment value of my home which is what the taxes are based on, but this value really has no direct relationship to home value. My home could be worth $300k but the assessment could be anything, higher or lower.
all i know is that the first payment or prorated payment came and i had to pay it, the rest of the payments are made out of the escrow account paid by my mortgage payments.
and yes, i love being a homeowner but hate the mortgage. O- read your mortgage docs. you’ll pay about 3 or 4 times the value of your home in interest alone over the life of the loan. My monthly mortgage payment is more than my monthly salary in my first out-of-college job a mere 5 years ago… it sucks, but it’s pretty cool to finally be a homeowner.

1,000 cocktails if this was an intentional Ocean’s Eleven reference.

1,000 back for catching that. I say it so much now (BECAUSE FCP SIX IS SENT FROM GOD TO RUIN MY LIFE) I don’t even think about it.

Oh, Orson.

Remember: if you ever decide to paint, think beige. Neutrals sell. No matter how much you and the missus want a kitchen that’s Gator oranmmphgg (sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth)

Nevermind.

Homeowner’s Associations: Constant proof that Facism didn’t die with Franco.

No overbearing advice, just my sincerest congratulations. Everyone should have the feeling once in their life (but with that feeling also comes that feeling of ‘Oh, Fuck! Taxes are due…again?’ and ‘What do you mean those assholes had non-disclosed mold remediation?’, and my favorite ‘How fucking expensive can a new furnace be?’).

@12-

Organizations telling others what one can or cannot with their own private property is clearly the stuff of pinkos and “I’ve got nothing else to do” fuddy-duddies.

I have a joker on my HOA who tools around the neighborhood on a Segway, writing people up because they (the horror!) put in professionally installed concrete curbs but didn’t ask the HOA’s permission first. Or planted a bush they doesn’t like.

One of My Favorites….Dept:

Definition of Marriage:

Find a woman you do not like, and give her a HOUSE. *

Haaaaaa!

• TCOAN: I kid 100%, of course.

Congrats on joining the mass delusion!

http://www.satirewire.com/news/0106/dream.shtml

(We’re in it with you.)

1. Go to Home Depot and introduce yourself. You’ll be going there weekly from now one. (Christmas wish list? HD gift cards [although only Lowe’s has the gift cards with collegiate logos])
2. You find that there’s a million things you need – rakes, shovels, lawnmowers, etc. – and a nice place to get them is a garage sale (especially someone who is moving).
3. Close on the end of the month to avoid pre-paid interest.
4. Get something like one of those metal Christmas cookie tins and start saving nails, screws, bolts, etc. that you previously just threw away. Before too long you’ll need a screw or other part to fix something.
5. Georgia Power offers free energy audits to its customers – get one.(http://www.ajc.com/search/content/living/stories/2008/12/02/home_energy_savings.html)
6. Housewarming parties = gift shakedowns.
7. Prepay your mortgage if you can afford it.
8. Dog = good theft prevention (although violates the “don’t buy anything that eats” rule).
9. Compost bin in backyard if permitted.
10. Have your carpets cleaned at least 1 – 2 times a year only using “hot water extraction” – clean them even if they look clean.

Lucy Swiping the Footbaw from Charly Brown Dept:

or

We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Programming:

Meyer says ND still dream job by the Associated Press

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Coach Urban Meyer tried to reassure Florida fans of his commitment to the Gators on Tuesday, but reiterated that Notre Dame might always be his “dream job.”

Meyer said he was “trying to be extremely respectful for all involved,” but his latest comments might not help stave off criticism.

“Our staff has given our life to Florida football for four years,” Meyer said following the team’s first bowl practice. "We plan on giving our life to Florida football for a long, long time. You start hearing, ‘Well coach, I thought you said (Notre Dame was) your dream job.’ I grew up in the North and that was my dream job. Probably always will, but that has nothing to do with this.

I’ll tell you what I told my Ramblin’ Wreck cousin who bought a couple weeks ago: the best thing you can do is make sure that on the day of closing, you choose something for breakfast that you won’t mind seeing again in the parking lot of the title office.

And congratulations. It takes a pair to take the plunge just as we’re all headed for the bread lines. ;]

Baby Swindles Dept:

Now that Orson and the Missus have their nest, is it time to fill it up with babies? Grandma Swindle and other Enquiring minds might want to know….

If you make more $$ an hour than the repair guy, it seems like a good deal to hire someone. If you make less than him, it seems like a rip-off.

If you plan to renovate the bathroom, and your house only has one, send you family on a vacation of some kind until it is functional again. Unless your wife is cool with peeing in the kitchen sink.

Ahhh…..homeownership…..except now would be a good time to rent…..there is gonna be a 2nd mortgage/real estate crisis once they sell off all of that foreclosed stuff and the houses hit the market at the first of the year….the crisis within a crisis…..
But rates are low…..sell in about 5 yrs, then build….
I am glad I got out of “flipping” about 4 yrs ago, I know a lot of ex-millionares……hell several of them are now ex-hundred thousandaires by now…..and be sure to watch alot of “Flip this House”, “Trading Spaces”, “What is my house worth?” and “Why is the UPS Truck Still in my Driveway?”…..and get a zero radius turn lawnmower….and get a hot tub with a waterpik showerhead….

MST3K is the greatest show in the history of television.

Tom Servo will be the name of my first child.

BOOMER!

I can relate to many of these things. My favorite money pit moment was after spending around $30k for a new roof and complete HVAC system the old lady looked at me and said:

“Yeah, that was great. We just blew $30k and the house looks exactly the fucking same.”

Yeah… thanks, honey.

Learn where your pipes, buried cables and power circuits are and appropriate cutoffs. Lable your electrical box and keep a flashlight with live batteries hanging nearby. Keep some fuses: 10-15 Amp for lights and power, 30-Amp for things like water heaters and appliances.

See if you can get the plans from the city planner for sewer and water lines. Buy some dye packets and check your toilets for leaks (into the bowl). Repair any that do immediately. Check your dryer vent line for lint and your crawl space for any signs of leaks, pests, misplaced insulation and structural stress. If you have an attic, check all wiring and ventilation lines – make sure you know which goes where in the house.

Learn all you can from the following website on your particular repair issue BEFORE calling the repair guy:

http://www.inspect-ny.com/

Oh, and buy a stud finder BEFORE hanging the dining room mirror.

Sullivan013

HOAs suck, period.

My old HOA was so bad that I did the stoopid thing and ran for the board, and they made me El Presidente. For 3 years. I was soooo sick of it but had no choice because the other board members made me look smart (a hard thing to do). Rest assured that 30-40% of your dues go to shit. We were paying $33K for a $10K policy, paying twice what we should have on most everything else, etc.

I stayed on the new board for one month. They immediately voted to pay $3K for a $500 asbestos inspection (I’m a licensed asbestos inspector, among opther things). I resigned that night & put my condo on the market two days later and now commute from Blowing Rock to Charlotte when I have to. And from what I hear from employees, they have it worse.

This is…speaking @ #39…pretty close! While closings seem to have diminished a bit (refi’s seem to be flooding the market), foreclosures, bankruptcy, wills, trusts, estates keep the doors open and the bills paid. A wonderful practice which enables one to read profusely, keep banker’s hours and sleep at night, which is the primary reason I have so much time for O.‘s Intriguing Time Sink…time for a Star-Butt’s run…gotta get the eyes open.