GUEST COLUMNIST: MEL KIPER

by Orson on Dec 16, 2008 12:57 PM EST

The draft is right around the corner, and I'm lining up the top prospects as we speak. Here's what I see when I look at the class of 2008 and their prospects in the league.

Tim Tebow, Florida. Should really move to tight end. No arm. No demonstrated ability to play the position like Matt Stafford. When I look at him, I see Eric Crouch, or Reggie Ball, but taller, white, and with a Heisman Trophy. Nice ball skills.

Brian Orakpo, Texas. A looker at defensive end and a workout machine, but the numbers don't tell it all. He's half an inch too short to put himself in that Julius Peppers-type-sort category, so I'd move him to cornerback, where his strength and ability to speak Portuguese will really help defenses lock down wide receivers. Also could do with a third arm sewn into his chest just for the fuck of it.

Percy Harvin, Florida. Percy Harvin's definitely a difference maker, the kind of gamechanger and factorback who makes things happen. His explosiveness after the run is explosive. Not many guys like that around. I project him as a 3rd round pick for the Baltimore Ravens at punter, since his speed and lack of durability put him in that Reggie Bush, ostrich-with-a-helmet-and-women's-panties-on kind of thing. You ever noticed how popcorn makes you thirsty? Me neither.

Taylor Mays, USC. Oh, a safety like this doesn't come around very often. Fast, physical, fast with his physicality and aggressivenessaciousness. Reminds me of a young Virginia Woolf before her patellar tendon went out on her. You gotta put someone like this in someplace special. I'd make him the harbormaster for the Port of Houston and get him a bennies package including dental, stat. An explosive talent like this needs a special place.

Zoltan Mesko, Michigan. A punter with composure and experience like Mesko's can't be taken for granted. Even though he's a punter, what I'd do if I were the Denver Broncos is take a late, second-day flyer on him, have him processed into animal food, and then fed to my favorite kitty. Don't sleep on a talent like this, or on nails, because it's harder than it looks.

Brandon Spikes, Florida. Solid middle linebacker, big thick trunk, runs through his tackles. His 40 time will be key: At a 4.62 or better, I could see him starting in this league for ten years. At a 4.64, he's using his anthropology degree to mediate interracial arguments in the express lane.

Shonn Greene, Iowa. He plays baseball, right? Just kidding. Iowa's running back is a guaranteed first round selection if he's willing to switch positions to Undersecretary of South Asian Affairs.

Curtis Painter, Purdue. Tough senior year, got caught in a bad situation. Benched for a freshman who started the season as a running back. I don't know what Purdue was thinking with this kind of talent in the pocket. Painter's got a terrific arm and outstanding mechanics, but what really separates him is his ability to take a snap from center and never leave the tackle box under any circumstances. He knows how to take a sack like no man I've ever seen; curls up like stunned armadillo and just lays there. Excellent open field slider.

Mel Kiper is a columnist for ESPN covering the NFL Draft. He's not just making shit up as he goes along, nope, no sir, because he is an expert. Additional dialogue by Matt Hinton, who doesn't understand what the hell happens in the NFL draft, either.

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Comments

Mel Kiper’s Hair is more difficult to bring down that Tebow Running through the Citadel Secondary.

by crane on Dec 16, 2008 1:05 PM EST reply actions

Somewhere, Todd McShay is reading this and yelling at his computer. But he agrees with Mel on Tebow.

by mlmintampa on Dec 16, 2008 1:07 PM EST reply actions

Was Mel in “Planet of the Apes”?
http://www.fantascienza.com/cinema/pianeta-delle-scimmie/media/Planet.jpg

by austin dave on Dec 16, 2008 1:08 PM EST reply actions

Who the hell is Mel Kyper?!?!?

by skinnyphatman on Dec 16, 2008 1:15 PM EST reply actions

Make that Kiper… Who the hell is Mel Kiper!

Yes, much better now.

by skinnyphatman on Dec 16, 2008 1:18 PM EST reply actions

Oh the Curtis Painter one is just glorious.

by TJ on Dec 16, 2008 1:21 PM EST reply actions

Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels dumber for listening. This fucker has had so much botox his mouth moves like a sesame street character.

by GladtoSee on Dec 16, 2008 1:22 PM EST reply actions

I’m with TJ, that Painter one had me in tears trying not to laugh out loud!

by Jonathan on Dec 16, 2008 1:25 PM EST reply actions

That bed wetter Todd McShay couldn’t carry Mel’s hair gel.

Mel is spot on regarding Curtis Painter.

by Crabapple Buck on Dec 16, 2008 1:31 PM EST reply actions

Note To Self:

DO NOT read EDSBS while holding a poop waiting for the restroom to become available and inhabitable…..

“He knows how to take a sack like no man Ive ever seen; curls up like stunned armadillo and just lays there.”

FUCK….I shat myself!!

by Mich-Placed Gator on Dec 16, 2008 1:32 PM EST reply actions

“Percy Harvin is not that big”

Either Mel is using the size of his head as the pure zero scale factor for all things large, or he clearly does not follow this blog:

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/07/28/percy-harvin-has-a-gym-membership/

Methinks Both

by BrooklynGator on Dec 16, 2008 1:37 PM EST reply actions

Hey Mel!

I won the Heisman too, jerk!

(Great hair!)

EC7

by Crouch Potato on Dec 16, 2008 1:40 PM EST reply actions

It’s telling that Notre Dame didn’t even get a single player on his list.

by domer.mq on Dec 16, 2008 1:47 PM EST reply actions

For those who love Mel’s hair, here’s a better picture: http://volite.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/chocface.gif

by HudiBlitz on Dec 16, 2008 2:33 PM EST reply actions

John Parker Wilson, QB, Alabama:

Holds most, if not all records for QB’s at Alabama.
Very difficult to defend if you get caught looking into his eyes. Nice smile and bangs, would draft in top tiers for Cosmetology School. Should make manager in 3 yrs. May become a manager for local Glamour Shots in a lateral move.

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Dec 16, 2008 2:51 PM EST reply actions

Mr. Pelican Pants-

Let me fix your entry for you:

Sara Jessica (John) Parker Wilson, QB, Alabama:

Holds most, if not all records for QBs at Alabama.
Very difficult to defend if you get caught looking into her eyes. Nice smile and bangs, would draft in top tiers for Cosmetology School. Should make manager in 3 yrs. May become a manager for local Glamour Shots in a lateral move.

by BamaTaxMan on Dec 16, 2008 3:01 PM EST reply actions

The thing that always gets me about Mel Kiper and other supposed draft experts is that if their credentials were that good, if they were that consistent at spotting busts and diamonds hiding in the refuse of the WAC, if their hair were that perfect for every appearance, why aren’t they making killer bank consulting for an NFL team rather than the package of bubble gum and six pack of Milwaukee’s Best that ESPN is probably paying him?

by GTSteve on Dec 16, 2008 3:29 PM EST reply actions

It’s Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson-Phillips. I don’t know who gets the credit, but I swear it was two or three years ago and maybe someone from around THIS blog. Get it right.

Mel Kiper has officially left the building. It is a degenerative decease, too. Sad to watch, really.

by Not the Mama on Dec 16, 2008 3:29 PM EST reply actions

Can’t spell any better than I drive. See you all on the highways of America. Piece.

by Not the Mama on Dec 16, 2008 3:37 PM EST reply actions

Mel Kiper. Making Dan Patrick sound smart since 1980.

by yoyofutbawl on Dec 16, 2008 3:38 PM EST reply actions

Me thinks the real Mel Kiper’s words would have differed only in their use of the physical attribute Mel himself patented, “strenth,” as every third word.

by Grude on Dec 16, 2008 4:00 PM EST reply actions

All that tension around his pretty mouth, yet not not a wrinkle to be seen along the vast plains of the fivehead.

by Better Living thru Chemistry on Dec 16, 2008 4:17 PM EST reply actions

What Mel doesn’t get about Tebow are the intangibles like communication skills. When The Heisman was announce Saturday night Tim looked at Sam and simply said “TEBOW SMASH” and they both understood.

by Croc on Dec 16, 2008 4:17 PM EST reply actions

Kiper has patented the ability to make inane comments and moronic observations with an alacrity that convinces the unwary and imbecilic. My personal favorite was his Emmitt Smith prediction…which I put in the same category as the Tebow assessment. File under “Fuck Off”.

by sb on Dec 16, 2008 4:44 PM EST reply actions

A pretty decent parody of Kiper but I’m surprised you missed his liberal use of second person narritive, which would have been even funnier.

Tim Tebow – You’ve got an NFL tight end playing quarterback. You’ve got a modern-day Danny Kendra with a Bible under one arm and two quark backs under the other, instead of Navy Seal weaponry. May be able to equal Kendra’s 1,300 pound leg press while simultaneously preaching a sermon and snipping the foreskins of young foreign boys. You don’t see any demonstratable ability to play the quarterback position like a Matt Stafford or a Sam Bradford. You have to love his leadership skills, he’ll be leading the kickoff coverage team down the field by his first NFL game. Nice ball skills.

by Kiper Industries Executive on Dec 16, 2008 5:04 PM EST reply actions

Mel, with hair like that, may I suggest a second career as the lead singer of a Southern Gospel Quartet?

Here’s hoping Paul Zimmerman recovers, ESPN brings him back to their draft coverage, and he throws a chair at Mel next April. WE WOULD ALL PAY TO SEE THIS. PAY ATTENTION, BRISTOL DOLTS.

by Counter Trap on Dec 16, 2008 6:00 PM EST reply actions

We need another Mel Kiper Family Draft.

by Brian O'Blivion on Dec 16, 2008 6:27 PM EST reply actions

Tebow 1 Mel Kiper 0 if you listened to the ESPN radio interview.
Tebow asked you on ESPN radio what you thought it would take for him to be an NFL QB and you backpeddled, saying it was flip of a coin. You continued by saying there were also critics of Peyton Mannings who thought he wouldn’t make a good NFL QB. You may have been doing this awhile but you’re far from accurate yourself with your opinions that don’t amount to much.

Can he catch a ball?? Come on, he got you by saying every time he takes a snap at QB. I can’t wait until Tebow displays how good he is with his hands in the QB position in the NFL.

by Debra on Dec 16, 2008 8:15 PM EST reply actions

I’m sorry, but Sean Glennon is a much better sack-taker than Painter.

by I'm A Lasagna Hog on Dec 16, 2008 9:26 PM EST reply actions

Good stuff, should have thrown in an Elway comment somewhere-Kiper loves to do that.

by www.southbendblarney.com on Dec 16, 2008 10:05 PM EST reply actions

Does Debra realize that this is an obvious Mel Kiper parody?

by PW on Dec 17, 2008 1:29 AM EST reply actions

Zolton Mesko’s name cannot be mentioned without the term “Space Emperor” spelled any way you feel like spelling it.

It is also believed the Space Emperor himself physically ejected DC Scott Shafer.

The end.

by Elno Lewis on Dec 17, 2008 11:00 AM EST reply actions

Good piece, funny.

Mel is right however that Tebow is not an NFL QB. He’s a decent QB if his first read is there and he throws in rhythm. After that its all biggest kid in the backyard shenanigans. Doesn’t hurt having all that superior talent around him.

by Ted on Dec 17, 2008 3:05 PM EST reply actions

I think the Canadian South Park characters are modeled after the flapping yap and bouncing head of Mel Kiper Jr. This guy’s movements while speaking are enough to send someone into a seizure.

by Ryan on Mar 19, 2009 12:33 PM EDT reply actions