Um…is it April already and no one bothered to tell us?

Ssshhhh. Just laugh with us. AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH BECAUSE THIS MAGNITUDE OF HILARITY WILL NOT SOON COME AGAIN.

I can’t even hate those guys any more.
That’s just … sad/pathetic.

I thought this honestly had to be a joke. Then I read that it’s more than likely true. But it’s still a joke, and the joke is on Auburn.

I was laughing, Holly, until I realized they’ll still inexplicably kick our asses at the worst possible time, especially since Chizik is an alum…

You could add up all the stupid shit ’Bama has done for its entire history, and it would look like a rabbit pellet next to the giant patty of cow dung Auburn just served up. Unbelievable.

My favorite part of the press release is when they reveal his 2 year record at Iowa St. was 5-19. What a joke.

I assume it’s inappropriate to make jokes about keeping it in the Auburn family? Hooray inbreeding!

Wow, I’ve always enjoyed a good trainwreck.

Surely, they talked to Turner Gill, maybe he copped to being a Bills fan.

WTF? Could they not get Bill Lewis’ phone number? Or Rip Scherer’s?

I was prepared to laugh at them if they hired Patrick Nix, but this, this…this is astounding. Almost too shocking to be funny. ALMOST.

Your 2010 Auburn head coach: Howard Schnellenberger.

Here’s another one:

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Owen.

Owen who?

Owen eight in Big 12 play, in a year when they didn’t have Texas, Oklahoma, or Texas Tech on the schedule. Boiiiinnggg!

FUCK. Just… FUCK.

The cure for 36-0, Dracula’s been there anemic offense and revolving door coordinators is a guy who is 5-19 as a head coach, was a defensive coordinator AND just fired his coordinators at ISU.

Congrats, AU—welcome to the cellar. There is no light and try to get used to the smell.

If any story deserves the picture of the train crashing through the station, it’s this one.

That’s their trump card? THAT’s the ace in the hole?

What, did Turner Gill not return their phone calls? Hell, Bobby Ross might come out of retirement again. At least he’s won an MNC in the past.

Orson, if this is how the AU AD works now, just thank your lucky stars Charlie Strong didn’t get sucked into the morass.

{{In my best Nelson Muntz voice}}

Ha Ha!

Man, I feel much better about Steve Sarkisian now. Thanks Auburn! Let me tell you how much fun a winless year is…

Damn Auburn fans.

Dont jump.

you know how there are things so bad that you wouldn’t wish them on your worst enemy? this isn’t one but it’s as close to the line as it is possible to get.

even under the “shula” theory this makes no sense. auburn is not facing the disarray and ncaa whipping stick like bama was in 2003. this smacks of an HC vs AD power struggle and most likely will end in destruction and tears.

Will Chizik’s real estate agent even bother removing the for sale sign? Maybe he’ll just rent.

Looks like we decided to go full retard for this hire.

Are you not entertained?!?!?!

Judas Priest…I…I…I’ve got…nothing. This is worse than Barfield.

[/Weeps softly into his scotch glass]

Jimmy Sexton is a master hypnotist. This confirms it.

You’d think that Auburn FC were trying to get relegated.

(Off-topic: what the hell was that video above? I thought I’d caught up on all obscure soft rock hits of the 1970s.)

in all seriousness, this prompts a question for college footbal researchers… when was the last time a perennial college football power (keep it BCS conferences if you have to) hired a coach with a losing record the previous season? two seasons?

Somebody tried to say Dennis Erickson at a similar discussion at mgoblog.com, but even Erickson was 9-3 at Wash St the year before he was hired at Miami

@20:

“Everybody knows you never go Full Retard……Tom Hanks- Forrest Gump. Slow, yes, retarded maybe, braces on his legs; but he charmed the pants off Nixon and won the ping pong competition- that ain’t retarded. You went full retard man. Never go Full Retard.”

Forrest was a Bama fan. Coincidence? I think not.

@8/14, there may have been something else wrong with Turner Gill…remember that Charlie Strong didn’t get an interview either.

Love that Deep South. Ugh.

Gaaah! I hear the runner-up for the job was Stan Brock, but 3-9 at Army meant he was better qualified.

If you’re Turner Gill, are you heaving a huge sigh of relief that you’ve avoided this mess — the Auburn family makes the Bundys look like the Cleavers.

War Damn EagLOLe.

You know your coaching search his hit EPIC FAIL when Mississippi State does it better than you do.

Jacobs will be on a plane trying to lure Bobby Petrino out of U-Pig within 2 years. Mark my words.

I’m in complete disbelief that AU is doing this to themselves. They should have given Tubbs FULL control. Instead the AU money men are playing ego control at the expense of the football program. Sad.

Schadenfreude [shahd-n-froi-duh] noun
“satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune”

Sometimes, as a Gamecock fan, this is all I get to look forward to. Jay Jacobs, I salute you. Thanks for making my weekend.

I’d ask what Auburn’s AD was thinking, but that assumes they were thinking at all. Probably a bad assumption.

@DCT—it’s called “Laughter in the Rain.” It seemed to fit the moment.

Gene ChiZOOK.

Fuck.

My favorite line from Superbad seems to fit me right now:

“Fuck my life.”

Talk about “failing upwards”. Wow.

THIS JUST IN: Sam Bradford wins the Heisman.

We return you to regular programming.

well, I think Iowa State paying Auburn a couple of million to take Chizik off their hands makes perfect sense….

wait a minute………………………..

no way………………………

jeeezus, I have heard of “rebound romances” being wrong, but this is waaaay wrong

maybe Chizik agreed to have audio implants so the “imperial Auburn consortium” can tell him what to say, plays to call, coaches to hire, etc….. kind of like creating your own real life video game… or the greatest puppet show on earth

cuz, hiring this guy for a HC is just this side of paying ND the 100million buyout for Pear Bryant stupid

jeeeeezus

@ Signal: I just assume this means negotiations with Petrino are still ongoing. Chizik will get busted down to DC once Petrino comes on board.

Brandon Spikes is Sam Bradford im watchin you win you HEISEMAN trophy! Spikes likes HEISMANS!

WTF? This – THIS – is what that fuckstick Jay Jacobs gives us loyal Auburn fans for Christmas? I am too stunned to even cry. My husband is an LSU man – maybe he will let me borrow one of his tshirts to wear during football season so no one will make fun of me. The school that gets Turner Gill is blessed – I hope that they schedule Auburn and kick our asses. THEN maybe the governor of our fine state will wise up, get Bobby Lowder off the BOT, and get someone in there to fire Jay Jacob’s sorry ass. Not ONE of those men deserve to call themselves an Auburn man. NOT. ONE. Chizik. Fuck.

Look for a couple of coaches in the next season or two to get “Chizik’d” as a loss to him will definitely be a fireable offense.

Well, now we know where the Muschamp rumors came from…

“Hey, a source told me Auburn is hiring its former defensive coordinator as the coach. Woo, BOOM MOTHERFUCKER!”

“Oh, wait, you mean that OTHER former defensive coordinator that just went 0-8 in the Big 12 despite dodging the three best teams in the conference? Shit.”

Seems like the natives are restless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7TxIMAwc1k

@Graysnail – doesn’t he have a “no SEC West moves” clause in his contract? Eh, it’s Bobby Petrino. He’ll find a way around it.

Several hours later, and this is still FREAKING HILARIOUS. We are so lucky to get such comedic value from this completely nuts athletic department.

(If you’re an Auburn fan, I just….well…..damn.)

“BOOMAH….

BOOMAH….

BOOMAH…

BOOMAH…

BOOMAH…

BOOMAH…

BOOMAH…

….sooner or later, we’re gonna get cha"

…..what, get us to believe you’ve lost your mind?

Congrats to Sam….clearly Bradford should have won the Heisman, because an overwhelmingly large portion of the sportswriters of America picked him 2nd or 3rd! ; )

Congrats to Tim for getting the most 1st place votes.

Now we’ll see who the real “Most Outstanding Player” is Jan 8th.

Game On, bitches!

I am speachless. You paid 5.1 Million Dollars to Tommy Tubberville to leave so that you could make room for Gene Chizik? Are you fricking kidding me?

Once Spurrier leaves South Carolina and Les Miles runs completely out of Nick Saban players (oops…already happened), the SEC can get back to the big 2 and everyone else….sound familiar?

I guess everyone in the SEC thought that all 12 teams would win a National Championship in the same year…lol.

I am Nick Saban, and I approve this hire……..LOL, which reminds me, did Nick Saban actually pull some Jedi Mind Trick and get this guy hired? He has powers that I cannot comprehend….Auburn needed a big splash….and this aint it…..
Auburn fans will hijack the jet carrying Jizzik, and will slowly become the next 3rd world country engulfed in insurgency against itself……Has there ever been a university president and its board of directors held hostage? in a standoff? how about shot at twenty paces while blindfolded? I dont know if I can make fun of my opponent anymore since the comedy coming out of that place is just too easy of a target, like shootin fish in a barrel….Good on ya Barners, after the past 6 yrs, ya had it comin………..

TAFKastOSUB: I guess everyone in the SEC thought that all 12 teams would win a National Championship in the same year…lol.

Hey, maybe the Buckeyes will win a post-season game this year since they won’t be playing an SEC team…

Coming To Stores Jan 9, 2009….

http://i301.photobucket.com/albums/nn53/zrdan/Boomer_Glue.jpg

http://www.firejayjacobs.com/

Shula Part Deux.
Except this time the laugh is on Auburn.
When he upsets someone (and he will) will will we say they got Jizz’d?

LSUFreek needs to work his magic on the scene in Blazing Saddles when the sheriff rides into town and everyone realizes he’s Chizick.

Dear auburn fans, we here in ames, iowa laugh at your plight. thanks for showing us who gene chizik really is, because he had us all believing he was a man of integrity.

now we can get a formidable head coach like turner gill, brian kelly, mike singletary, or DITKA! one can dream…

in chizik’s defense, ISU is a career killer. look at what johnny majors did at ISU vs. what he did after he left.

Dear Auburn,
  Welcome to your very own [NAME REDACTED] period.

Love,
  UF class of 2003 thru 2005.

PS, enjoy copious losses at home

Auburn Football: Trying our best to the be next year’s version of the ’08 U-Dub Huskies.

CHIZIK NICKELS ALL AROUND!!!!!!

I want to throw up, cuss, hit something….

Un-freaking-believable….. :-(

I just want someone to explain to me what the Auburn “leadership” sees in this guy that nobody else in the entire fucking world sees. He is a good DC to be sure, but that seems to be the extent of his abilities. I am just shocked at this hire. I wonder if the AD expected this kind of reaction of they actually thought people would be happy. It’s like opening your Chirstmas present and getting a smelly dog turd while everybody else in the neighborhood got the hottest new toy.

looks like the criterion used by Auburn was the following:
- head coach experience
- SEC experience
- some relationship to winning in the SEC
- Caucasian DNA

when the following should have been pushed to the top:
- recruits players like an Al Qaeda hynotist
- has a WINNING record as a head coach
- already knows who will be his offensive coordinator
- someone who at the very least can start off with a neutral attitude from the alumni/supporters… having Chizik booed when he emerges from an airplane will cause more laughter than having a drunk lady kiss him

Wow, if Auburn thinks a successful coach is one that went 5-19 over the last two years, then I wonder why AU didn’t try to hireCharlie Weis with his stupendous 9-15 record over the same period?

Let the affectionate annoying appellation tryouts begin!

Adios Tubby, Wingnut, Tommy Tater Town, Tubs, TT Boy, Beaker.

Bienvenidos Cheesedick, Cheezedip, ChiZook (credit @ 33), Gene Paltry, Cheezestick, GC Comix (my favorite), McGirk Head.

Fuck.

A 10 game losing streak and a worse record at ISU than his predecessor.

Fuck.

As one of my Alabama friends said, there are hires that your school makes that make football a Bourbon drinking sport only. This is one of those hires.

Well, Buffalo holds the record for the two longest losing streaks in Div 1a history. Maybe we can break those records.

Brilliant! Auburn, you sly fox! How do you get someone as good as Saban? You shoot yourself in the foot, put your program in complete disarray and wait for darkest point to hire a great coach. Auburn, my hat is off to you. You saw how Alabama did it and you have set the wheels in motion. Brilliant. Sick for the next decade but know that a Saban caliber couch is waiting on the other end. Genius!!!

ISU should hire Tuberville. I’d put money that if they did, ISU would have more wins than AU after two seasons.

Tubs should take it just to stick it in AU’s eye.

Auburn needs to change the tail number of the jet from N20RU to FAIL1.

I see someone has already reserved firechizik.com. I expect content will not be a problem once it goes live.

ICP @ 58 – Looks like the Auburn jet just landed in Ames to pick him up, after diverting to Des Moines (likely for weather). I would have figured a flight under the cover of darkness, so we’ll see that reaction in daylight after all.

http://flightaware.com/live/flight/N20RU

Hey, Alabama fans are rolling Toomers Corner in celebration of Gene Chizik!
http://forums.tidesports.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/3631098265/m/4101056618/p/4

Yeah….. Its still fucking hilarious.

Guys, you can compare and contrast Alabama fans reaction with the hiring of Nick Saban….overall, Bama fans were “Hell Yeah!”, while the Auburn fans reacting on their blogs are found here:
http://blog.al.com/auburnbeat/2008/12/auburn_officially_confirms_chi.html

The best one: “Can they de-confirm this, I have died at least one thousand times since the announcement.”

Scroll down and read them all, besides the former AU players spewing the party line about how its a good hire.

As someone completely unaffiliated with AU, this is the worst hire I’ve seen since Washington hired Ty Willingham. And it is probably worse, making this the worst hire of the decade. I challenge the readers to name a worse hire this decade. It wasn’t Zook, who was an NFL coordinator and a risk that might have worked. Rather than taking a risk, Auburn and UW hired someone who wasnt just mediocre (ala Tommy Bowden), but had already been a complete failure at the HC level. However, at least Willingham won at Stanford and one year at ND, prior to going to Washington. Furthermore, they hired a defensive guy when Auburn’s problems came solely from the offense. It is an epic failure of biblical proportions.

In related news, Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban was rushed to the hospital last night with breathing difficulties related to uncontrollable maniacal laughter…

This is might be the funniest thing I have heard in a long time..

http://blog.al.com/bamabeat/2008/12/coming_to_bryantdenny_the_fail.html

I thought AU had already named Chizik’s new office this though..

5-19. Five and nineteen. The horror… the horror… the horror.

Anyone who wants to see Chizik’s in-game coaching should watch the third quarter of their game against Iowa this year. The cyclone had 3 possessions in Iowa territory, and two trips to the red zone. They scored 3 points. There were multiple penalties for delay of games, and the plays were in late. Look at the UNLV game, where multiple unsportsmanlike penalties cost ISU the game. They were up by 20 against Kansas, but found a way to lose.

I think its a good hire. I would have done the same thing.

Checking in….BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA. Gene Fuckin’ Chizik, head coach at Auburn. It just makes me laugh uncontrollably.

I don’t know how the hell Herbstreit could say it’s a great hire with a straight face:

http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?categoryId=2378529&brand=null&videoId=3768045&n8pe6c=2

Probably a decision based on the fact that AU isn’t exactly the most coveted job out there…

Iowa St. is a bad program, but I would think you would have to still do a decent job (not 5-19) to move on to a bigger program…

Folks…you just don’t understand. A two year record of 5-19 in Ames is successful, and takes a Herculean effort just to reach that plateau.

Most coaches don’t leave there with their careers intact.

Oh God. Kill me now. Kill me now.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA He’s coming!!!!
http://flightaware.com/live/flight/N20RU
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This…this….this is priceless:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7TxIMAwc1k

ANY OF THEM!!!!

They couldn’t get someone they wanted, so they hired Chizik. He’ll keep a steady hand on the program for a few years but will fail. They’ll shitcan him in 3 years and hire Petrino when the buyout drops.

Just my theory.

ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd… I just found out why they hired Chizik for Auburn HC…..

it seems during the past year Chizik has been practicing magic tricks… and he has perfected the “reach behind your ear and find a quarter” trick to an amazingly professional level!!

Auburn hired him when he demonstrated he could do it with a hundred dollar bill just as well as a quarter…. and he said he would demonstrate the trick in front of potential recruits as many times as needed until they commited to Auburn!!!

This is amazing!! I bet Saban has to counter this by with his mental powers and convince the recruits that Auburn coaches only show them Monopoly money….

If you want to learn how Chizik does it, see this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3bRsL2M3MM

I am shocked, but not surprised, by this news.

Shocked, because it makes no sense whatsoever according to Earth logic.

Unsurprised, because I lived in Alabama long enough to know how far too many folks there think, and therefore hire. The questions “Do we know you?” and “Are you one of us?” are the primary considerations here. Only after those have narrowed the field, do the questions “Do you know what the hell you are doing?”, “Are you trustworthy and honorable?”, etc. come up.

Also, Alabamians are strict Hegelians. When they notice that a neighbor has pulled ahead of them in something, they determine that they must: a) accomplish the exact same thing, b) do so in the exact same way, carefully going through every historical step their neighbor required to get there.

For instance, when I left there around the turn of the millennium, there was a big push underway to attract pro football to Birmingham, by building a domed stadium. Delusional in any number of ways, yes…but let’s focus on the proposed building itself for now. It wasn’t a contemporary retractable-roof job, oh no…but rather the exact kind of domed stadium that they’d just blown up in Seattle, and have been dreaming of blowing up in Minneapolis.

Everyone instinctively understood that you couldn’t simply go ahead and build a 21st century stadium…you had to first build the Kingdome/Metrodome, presumably blow it up after a decent interval, and then build something that could conceivably attract an NFL team by current standards.

All this is a long-winded way of explaining why I am tempted to take seriously the theory that Auburn decided that in order to get their Saban, they must first hire their Shula.

(What? You think they might have been better off finding their own, distinct solution to the problem? That would be madness, son…)

Somehow, this is cheering me up. Only for the 2 minute interval of it though. Then it’s back to the suicide hotline…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfLAv3JHRwY

War we suck again!

The real fun begins in 15 minutes. The jet is 75 miles out.

http://flightaware.com/live/flight/N20RU

OT: 60 Minutes will have a segment with Pete Carroll hanging wit’ his peeps in da hood. But first, PIT-BAL has to somehow conclude.

I am so jealous of Jimmy Sexton.

#85:

“Alabamians are strict Hegelians” is by far the funniest comment I’ve read on this or any other football site. I understand, of course, since us Georgia fans tend by contrast to be strict Kantians, but for Jesus.

How ya feeling today, Orson?

@ 26- Too bad they couldn’t pull Charlie Strong away from that open minded Big Ten team that hired him a few years back.

But seriously (as one clown said to another in the post-game Circus locker-room):

Aside from his other dubious virtues, I gather from Iowa sources that the new AU coach is:

—a bad judge of assistant-coaching talent;

—prone to offend the fan base (viz. his gratuitous decision to change the ISU logo to get rid of Cy); and

—a dick.

The immediate market-test, though (beyond his survival of the first week) will be recruiting. AU has apparently already lost five previous commits, and the father of the savior QB recruit Cotton sped to publicly trash this hire. And then there will be the little problem of speculation that AU refused to hire Gill (or even to consider Charlie Strong) out of inveterate racism.

With Satan sure to get another top-5 class, a uninspiring fan-averse dick with a dubious staff who’s bleeding recruits is in a really bad position, it would seem.

My God. I think Toomer’s Corner is going to look like Watts 1965 tonight.

We can only blame The Machine.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machine

Say, Orson, have you talked to Cuddles in the past two days?

Were you the first person to break the news to him?

Most importantly, did you record the conversation for posterity?

I can only guess that Auburn thought they were sending out for Chick-Fil-A and they got Chizik instead.

BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

take breath

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Okay, I’m done. But seriously, in the whole “Aubarn is doing it the way Bama did it” scheme of things, shouldn’t this be AU’s version of Mike Price? In which case, he’ll be busted with a hooker by spring, THEN they’ll hire a “Shula.” And I realized I’m not done…

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Interesting…

http://blog.al.com/bamabeat/2008/12/coming_to_bryantdenny_the_fail.html

Dear Auburn,

What. The. Fuck?

Sincerely,
Everyone who knows what College Football is

I invested in Chizik Nickles to diversify my portfolio two years ago…BIG MISTAKE.

I had the most crazy dream last night. I dreamt that our biggest rival fired one of their most successful coaches of all time, and in his place, hired a sub .500 coach with 2 years experience from one of the worst football programs in all of the BCS conferences.

Opps….(Akkkkkkkwarddddd)

What a Hindenberg hire. Looks like Auburn shit and then fell back in it.

LSUFreek provides:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjeNPauuqNc

And I’m still laughing.

I just can’t wait to read the contract and see what kind of bullshit is locked in there. Better yet, here’s a preview of a post-game conference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjIuvB3Hykk&feature=related

Dear Everyone who knows what College Football is,

We. Don’t. Know… :-(

Sincerely,
Auburn

This makes me almost happy we kept Weis…..almost.

My favorite I’ve read so far.

5-19. Is Jacobs dyslexic?

ESPN Connecticut Yankees, it the law to have a “No JEW” covenant on the future sale of your house or do y’all just do it out of the neighborly goodness of your hearts? Seriously, Auburn will get what they so richly deserve by not hiring Gill but Hey Syracuse!! WTF???

Anybody?